Love.Matria^e^and Othet Perils 








Book. 



6L 



CopghtN^-j'^^ Z 



CQEffilGHT DEPOSm 




UNCLE HENRY 



UNCLE HENRY 



ANONYMOUS 




REYNOLDS PUBLISHING COMPANY, INC. 
NEW YORK 






Copyright 1922 
By P. F. Collier & Son Company 

Copyright 1922 
By Reynolds Publishing Company, Inc. 



MANUFACTURED IN U. S. A. 



SEP 28 '22 

©CI.A683407 



TO THE READER 

rpRUTH is not a thing to be handled in anger. It 
-*- has too keen a cutting edge. We want to get rid 
of the lies in our national life: the hypocrisies, the 
buncombe, the sham and shoddy ; but we want to do 
it in a way that won't hurt the patient. (Doctors 
to the contrary, no operation is a success unless the 
patient survives it.) 

Uncle Henry fills the bill as an almost ideal 
operating surgeon. He knows, and knov/s from the 
inside. There are few things he hasn't been at 
some time in his life, and very little that he hasn't 
seen. 

He has watched men and policies come and go, 
fashions change, and the flivver crowd out the sur- 
rey and the hack. What he has lost in illusions he 
has gained in humor and human understanding. 

As he talks along on marriage, politics, entangling 
alliances or home brew, we think you will see him 
for what he is: a man old enough to be past preju- 
dices, partisanship, and bigotry, young enough for 
tremendous interests and enthusiasms and wise 
enough to know that you can't get at people's minds 
by making them mad. 

3 



TO THE READER 



You are bound to laugh with Uncle Henry even 
when you don't agree with him, for this shrewd 
observer and good-natured humorist, with his 
hatred of bunk, love of laughter and intense interest 
in life and living, comes close to being the true 
American spirit. 



INTRODUCTION 

AS a general proposition, I think a preface to a 
'■book, next to buttons on a man's coat sleeve, is 
the most unnecessary thing in the world. It is as 
though a waiter delayed the patron's meal by de- 
scribing to him the merits of the meal forthcoming, 
instead of bringing the stuff along and letting the 
customer decide for himself. 

Moreover, in this special instance the good wine of 
Uncle Henry's sound ironies needs no bush from 
me or anyone else. All the same, and to the con- 
trary notwithstanding, I welcome the opportunity 
in this special instance of writing a brief but sincere 
foreword of the first volume of his assembled 
utterances. 

Since he made his bow to the American public 
from the pages of Collier's some months ago. Uncle 
Henry has been my friend. I meet him weekly and 
weekly I applaud what he says and the fashion in 
which he says it. He yokes a vigorous Americanism 
with a genial and penetrating humor. He slams at 
shams and he punctures bubbles. Even as you laugh 
with him, you are impressed by a profound con- 
viction that he goes down to the very sills of things 

5 



6 INTRODUCTION 

and makes fundamentals attractive for purposes of 
contemplation, because he has the knack of making 
them amusing. 

One of the keenest weapons the human family 
knows is genial satire. More evils have been tickled 
to death with a feather of wit than ever were 
bludgeoned into the past tense by heavy argument 
or the crass blows of ponderous oratory. An edi- 
torial may merely bruise the surface of bunkum, 
while a shrewdly barbed paragraph lets the corrup- 
tion out. 

Uncle Henry is one of our master satirists — a 
wizard at launching the indirect attack. In this 
volume he has flanked and enfiladed the bogusness 
of so many present-day issues, problems and nota- 
bles that one hesitates to pick a particular chapter 
as being better than the rest. One finds a way out 
of the dilemma by heartily commending the entire 
table of contents. 

September, 1922. ^ 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 

To THE Reader 3 

Introduction 5 

Love, Marriage and Other Perils 9 

The Irreconcilables 17 

Catch-as-Catch-Can Healing 25 

Passing of the Old Guard 35 

The Poor Little Rich Man 43 

The Yellow Peril 53 

Dehoovering Herbert 63 

Millionaires' Sons 73 

The Trouble with Congress 83 

Knee-Length Dramas 93 

The Harding Honeymoon 103 

Overmanufacture in Judges 113 

To Booze or Not to Booze 121 

Pants Across the Sea 131 

Freedom's Shriek 139 

The Newberry Case 149 

The Nude in Literature 157 

Bull-Jawed Brutes 165 

Dumdums and Diaries 173 

The Four-Power Pact 183 

Mr. Ruth and Mr. Dempsey 193 

Humanizing Science 201 

7 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 

The Yellow Kids 209 

The Missouri Spree 217 

Freedom's Faults 225 

America's Famous Mud Baths 233 

Fishes and Fishing 241 

Our International Policy 249 



LOVE, MARRIAGE AND OTHER 
PERILS 

FOR some time the conversation had been de- 
voted to "flappers," and the Cub Reporter took 
no pains to conceal his serious concern for the future 
of the race. 

"If ever I have children," he announced heavily, 
"I'll—" 

" — have 'em," completed Uncle Henry. "Jes' that 
an' nothin' more. You can't lead their lives for 'em. 
In my time I've seen a lot of fathers give anxious 
an' authoritative thought to safeguardin' their off- 
spring an', aside from eatin' an artichoke, I don't 
know of any activity that gets less results in propor- 
tion to the energy expended. 

"I reckon I knew one of the country's very 
first stirpiculturists. He lived in the little Missouri 
town where I grew to what we called manhood, 
although Kansas always challenged the description, 
an' you wouldn't want to see a more perfect blend 
of South an' West. Kentucky gave him oratory, 
Missouri furnished stamina, an' death was the only 
thing that ever scored a successful interruption 
on him. 

9 



10 UNCLE HENRY 

"One day the news was brought to Colonel John 
that his son Juley had been ruthlessly deprived of 
liberty by the town marshal an' was at that very 
moment languishing for chicken stealin* in the local 
bastile. With one bound he gained the middle of 
the street, an' let out a bellow that stunned all ani- 
mal life for a radius of five miles. 

" Tollow the Roman father!' 

"Word flew that the Colonel was on one of his 
rampages, an' the whole town fell in behind him, 
marchin' in silence until we reached the public 
square an' grouped in front of the calaboose. Labo- 
riously liftin' himself up on the end gate of a wagon, 
the Colonel begged everybody to draw close while he 
tore away life's decent concealments, an' laid before 
'em a bleedin' heart. 

"From infancy, as he explained, the great Julius 
Caesar had been his idol, an' even as a boy he 
had vowed that if ever Providence should bless him 
with a son, that son should be given the name 
of the great Roman whose genius, like the lightnin', 
blasted even as it illumined. In tones that made 
the turtle dove sound rough an' peevish, he de- 
scribed the dawn of love, an' it was as good as a 
clarinet solo to hear him tell of that night of nights 
when the Wild Rose of the Western prairies placed 
her little hand in his — ^tremulous as a breeze-blown 
blossom — an' spoke the words that raised him so 



LOVE, MARRIAGE AND OTHER PERILS 11 

high even Jupiter had to move over an' make 
room for him. 

"Their married life flowed as a brook that winds 
its way through Hyblean meadows, an' every dawn 
was announced by the crash of celestial music. 
Came a day when the wife of his bosom bent low, 
the mystery of existence in her love-lit eyes, an' 
whispered those tremendous words that ring on 
man's ears like all the bells of heaven. Soul on fire, 
the Colonel straightway set himself to the task of 
preparation. 

"In a room that faced the south, a golden goblet 
that cupped the sun, an' caught every wind that 
blew from far citron groves, he hung pictures of 
Julius Caesar — all that he could find. Crossin' the 
Rubicon, conquerin' Gaul, master of Egypt an' Cleo- 
patra's lord, drivin' his legions through Britain's 
savage forest, refusin' the crown on the Lupercal, 
an' finally receivin' his death blow from the daggers 
of envious Casca an' ungrateful Brutus. An' as the 
Pearl of Price reclined upon her couch of royal 
purple, the Colonel read to her from the various lives 
of Julius Csesar that he had been years accumulatin'. 

"Came the mornin' when the wail of the new-born 
rang through the house — at once the faintest an' 
most far-reaching cry in all this world — an' women 
came to him, hands raised, cryin' : *Lo, a man child 
has been born!' In due course this man child was 



12 UNCLE HENRY 

borne to the altar, given the name of JuHus Csesar, 
an' not a step of those baby feet but followed the 
path of the mighty Roman. 

"* An' with what result?' 

"The Colonel's voice blared like a thousand trum- 
pets as he leveled the hand of doom at the calaboose 
where Juley's anguished face peeked through the 
bars. *A mean, dirty, rabbit-faced, double- jointed, 
egg-sucking chicken thief!' 

"No, Jimmie," continued Uncle Henry, "this here 
stirpiculture sounds good in theory, but it kind of 
leaves the track when you give it a practice spin. 
Most of human failures comes from tryin' to live 
other people's lives for 'em. It's like these high 
explosives. You can't ever tell when the darned 
stuff is goin' off. Any father that lives his own life 
properly will find that he's got his hands full, an' 
when you come down to it, an example is worth a 
hundred exhortations. 

"There's another small fault of yours that I don't 
mind correctin' while I'm at it. Two treatments the 
same price as one. Every now an' then I hear you 
makin' a noise like a Man that Knows Women. My 
dear boy. Nature has been makin' fools for a good 
many centuries. Why attempt to improve on her 
handiwork? In my youth I girled around with the 
town's prize lady killer — wavy hair, limpid eyes, 
classic features, a demon on the mandolin an' with 



LOVE, MARRIAGE AND OTHER PERILS 13 

a tenor voice that could suck poison out of anything 
from 'Juanita' to The Spanish Cavalier.* There 
was a couple of peaches we went with regular, an*, 
honest, I always thought both of *em were crazy 
over Norbert. The way they carried on about him 
to his face used to make me think that he ought to 
take out first papers in Turkey or some place where 
two wives are conventional. Well, sir, one night 
after a particularly fulsome bunch of adulation, I 
caught one of the girls winkin* at the other, an' it 
said : *0h, the poor boob !* as plain as though she'd 
shouted it. 

"That wink, Jimmie, was like the flash of lightnin' 
that shows the pit at your feet. To this very day 
I never talk to women that I don't turn quick every 
now an' then to see if they're laughin'. From the 
dawn of time women have lived an' kept their health 
by virtue of protective concealments, an' while we've 
given them a more even break these last few years, 
you can't throw off ancient habits in a minute. I've 
been married now for forty years, an' I wouldn't bet 
a German mark on what my wife was thinkin' at any 
given moment. 

"About all I do know is that we're not near as 
important in the scheme of things as we think we 
are. Even at your weddin' about all your advan- 
tage over the potted plants is that the florist doesn't 
take you away after the ceremony. An' when a baby 



14 UNCLE HENRY 

comes your only chance is to have rugs in the house 
that will furnish you with a little protective colorin'. 
After my first, I always stayed in the cellar when an 
addition blessed the family. Of course the nurses 
an* all the gathered women friends kept right on 
with their contempt for me, but it was some comfort 
not to have 'em lookin' it. 

"Women don't even dress for us. All their 
prinkin' and preenin' is for each other. Sometimes 
I think it's jes' the competitive instinct that makes 
'em marry us. If it wasn't for the abnormal vanity 
of the male, I hate to think what would happen to us. 
But old Nature's always on the job, generally puttin' 
things where they're most needed. Notice how fish, 
bein' a brain food, are located most largely right off 
the New England coast. 

"I suppose, of course, you've given a lot of thought 
to the things you want in a wife? O youth! O 
spring of the year! When I was your age I had a 
list of exalted feminine qualities worked out myself 
— a regular doctor's prescription that I ran around 
with, waitin' to have filled. Funny thing, the girl 
I married didn't have a single darned one of 'em. 
Somehow the list got lost. It's jes' as well. Even if 
you get a girl that checked up on every item, it 
wouldn't make any difference. The things we like 
in a sweetheart are never liked in a wife. Women 
are the same way. The minute they feel the ring 



LOVE, MARRIAGE AND OTHER PERILS 15 

on the finger they begin lookin' you over with a view 
to extensive alteration. Yessir, marriage may be a 
divine institution, but it never fails to operate along 
the lines of an improvement society. Did you ever 
see a man who could dance with his wife? Cer- 
tainly not! She's too busy with constructive criti- 
cism. It's like that in everything. 

"But don't understand me as sayin' a word against 
marriage. It's a great institution. Hard to live 
with, of course, but a good deal harder to live v^ith- 
out. To my mind, most of the trouble comes from 
people lookin' at it the wrong way. Marriage isn't 
a week-end party, a ride on a roller coaster, or an 
adventure in jazz. It's a job. The biggest job that 
any man or woman ever tackled. You've got to 
work at it, jes' like you work at everything else, if 
you want 100 per cent results. Half the time an' 
thought most folks devote to things a million times 
less important would make a success of the unions 
that are now in the divorce courts. A failure in 
matrimony ought to be considered as reprehensible 
a thing as failure in business. 

"You'll start out on the Romeo an' Juliet basis, of 
course. You're the romantic type. That's all right 
enough, but you can't raise babies on a balcony. It 
will all depend upon whether you've got sense enough 
to climb down quietly an' carefully, or whether you'll 
wait until life pushes you off. It's that awful bump 



16 UNCLE HENRY 

that busts most marriages. Maybe your Juliet will 
have the sense. It's about the only hope for most 
men, as a plain matter of truth." 

"When I marry," said the Cub Reporter in accents 
of grim finality, "I mean to be the master in my own 
home." 

"A wise woman," said Uncle Henry gently, "will 
always let you think so." 



%t 




THE IRREGONCILABLES 

AS a usual thing, the presiding genius of the cigar 
-^A. stand was a carnivorous reader who took his 
fiction raw, but this particular morning found him 
deep in the editorial page of the New York "Times." 
For a brief space the movement of his ears was 
rhythmic, and then mental mastication commenced 
to get slower and more labored until at last the paper 
dropped from his nerveless hands. 

"Say,'' he muttered heavily, "every time they men- 
tion Borah and Hiram Johnson and Medill McCor^ 
mick and that bunch, they call 'em 'irreconcilables.* 
Just what is that, anyway?" 

"You're certainly lucky, my boy," beamed Uncle 
Henry, who had been watching the short cut to cul- 
ture with some interest. "I'm about the one person 
in the United States you could ask that question with 
any hope of a Christian answer. An Irreconcilable, 
Barney, is a senator who has jes' come from hearin' 
Washington deliver his Farewell Address. The emo- 
tion of the moment is still strong upon him, an' his 
voice is choked with it, though not as much as you 
could wish. What he wants America to do is to hold 
fast to her isolation, standin' jealously aloof from 

17 



18 UNCLE HENRY 

the rest of the world until she gets her strength an' is 
able to hold her own against predatory nations like 
Belgium, Holland, Norway, an' Costa Rica. All this 
talk about enterin' a league of nations drives him 
plum frantic. Never, as long as his larynx holds out, 
shall the United States be ruled from Geneva. He 
had a watch from there once, an' it never did keep 
time. 

"I'm a bit surprised at your question, though, for 
you can tell an Irreconcilable as far as you see him. 
He wears buckskins an' a cap made out of the whole 
coon, an' is rarely seen without Old Betsy, his trusty 
smooth-bore rifle. When Congress convenes he goes 
out of the woodlot, saddles his horse an' rides 'cross 
country to Washington, watchin' the trail for bear 
signs an' ever on his guard against the pesky red- 
skins. He sleeps with one eye open, an' all his 
mouth, an' his cry is something like that of the hoot 
owl. 

"Nothing deceives him, not even his eyes. He sees 
railroad trains, automobiles, skyscrapers, Ziegfeld's 
Follies, ocean steamers, an' electric lights, an' every 
now an' then he meets an item in the papers that 
mentions America's population as 113,000,000, but 
none of it fools him. He knows that it's all jes' an 
optical delusion. The roar of airplanes is merely 
distant thunder; he laughs at the mad notion of 
layin' a cable across the Atlantic, an' when anybody 



THE IRRECONCILABLES 19 

mentions radio he backs away quickly, with some 
soothin' remark that they'll be all right after a 
night's good sleep. 

"As far as your true Irreconcilable is concerned, 
Barney, America stands to-day jes' as Washington 
left it. They can print all the geographies they want, 
but he knows that these United States are bounded 
on the east by the uncharted waters of the Atlantic ; 
on the north by the trackless wastes of Canada, 
whose virgin forests echo to the cries of wild beasts 
an' even wilder men ; on the south by Mexico's deso- 
late wastes, peopled only by wanderin', savage tribes, 
while on the west rage the wdld waves of the Pacific, 
unplowed since the days when Spanish adventurers 
dared all in their mad quest of gold. 

"It isn't that he's cowardly, but jes' cautious. 
America is goin' to be all right when she gets her 
full grovd:h, but that's a long time off, an' he feels 
we can't be too careful in the meantime. Worryin' 
over Europe keeps him up nights, for he knows 
George III has never forgiven Bunker Hill, an' real- 
izes that England's seeming friendship is merely the 
crouch of a tiger about to spring. Napoleon's fair 
words ring false to his keen ear, for is it reasonable 
to presume that the despot of France will not turn 
his bloody gaze upon the United States after he's 
through conquerin' the Old World? An' what of 
Austria, where the subtle Metternich sits like a 



20 UNCLE HENRY 

spider in his web an' plots schemes for the aggran- 
dizement of his Hapsburg masters? An' does any- 
one imagine for a minute that miHtaristic Switzer- 
land does not rebel against her narrow confines, 
an' isn't waitin' impatiently for a chance to seize 
America, with her wealth of fertile valleys, her great 
forests, her majestic mountains, an' more navigable 
streams than anyone would believe until he'd looked 
over a copy of a Rivers an' Harbors bill ? 

"He's glad it takes a sailin' vessel thirty days to 
cross the Atlantic, for he knows that our detached 
an' distant situation is the only thing that saves us 
from bein' conquered an' enslaved by some rapacious 
European power. 

"Kings, even when he holds 'em, fill him with 
fear, an' when he retires to his shuck mattress at 
night, the last thing he does is to take the tallow dip 
an' look to see if there's any European monarchs 
under the bed. The Chinese are the only people 
he really admires. He can't speak too enthusiasti- 
cally of their Great Wall, an' he's still hopeful that 
the United States will have the intelhgence to build 
one jes' hke it. 

"No entanglin' alliances for him. Politically he's 
a widower. As long as he lives an' keeps his voice, 
he's goin' to see that nobody but true-blue Americans 
get the chance to give this country the worst of it. 
Better than anyone he knows what Washington 



THE IRRECONCILABLES 21 

meant when he warned against the insidious wiles 
of foreign influence, for once upon a time he too 
bought a rug from an Armenian peddler. 

*'Not only are foreigners not to be trusted, but 
they are far below us mentally. He's met lots of 
'em, an' though he talks to 'em loud enough to leave 
him hoarse for a week, he's never yet been able to 
make even one of 'em understand plain English. All 
in all, Barney, he's a real American — the true spirit 
of '76 — none of your 2.75 content, but full 100 per 
cent. Good on the fife, a demon with the drum, an' 
wearin' out a brand-new flag every day. 

"Never think that the Irreconcilables haven't got 
their hands full. I saw Bill Borah an' Hi Johnson 
an' Bob La Follette up the Capitol the other day, an' 
you could see the strain's beginnin' to tell on 'em. 
It's our infernal length of coast Hne that makes it so 
difficult. After workin' in the Senate all day, it's no 
easy job doin' night patrol from Maine to Florida, 
with side jumps to the Great Lakes an' the Pacific. 
On every headland they've got great piles of drift- 
wood all ready to light the minute a hostile fleet 
appears in the offing, an' horses are kept saddled so 
that outlyin' farmhouses can be warned. They had 
a bad scare the other night up at Niagara Falls. La 
Follette was on-^uard, an' along in the early mornin' 
he saw a covey of boats push off from the Canadian 
shore. With oarlocks muffled, an' not even a lantern 



22 UNCLE HENRY 

showin', the strange an' sinister bevy of small craft 
crept nearer an' nearer. Although it was plain to be 
seen that they outnumbered him fifty to one, Bob 
bravely drew a copy of his last speech an' dashed 
down to the water's edge. 

" 'British?' he demanded sharply. 

"*No,' came back a whisper. 'Only Scotch an' 
Irish.' 

"It's not only foreign malice that Bill an' Hi an' 
Bob have to contend with, but domestic dissension as 
well. Business men an' farmers keep talkin' about 
the paralysis of industry an' agriculture, all the 
time insistin' that things are not goin' to pick up 
until the purchasin' power of the world is restored. 
Mutterin' continually about exchange an' export, an' 
how our entire production is based on sellin' 25 per 
cent of it abroad. Sometimes I think Hi Johnson is 
right in wantin' to shoot 'em for traitors at sun- 
rise, but Borah still believes that they can be won 
back to patriotism by argument. As he points out, 
what if all the copper mines are shut down? We 
don't need any more pennies, anyway. An' why 
should there be all this worry over unsold com when 
the Iowa experiments have proved that it is almost 
equal to anthracite as a fuel? When it comes to 
complainin' about the collapse in wodl, however, he's 
plum' contemptuous, statin' quite frankly that he 
doesn't believe this country ever did produce any, 



THE IRRECONCILABLES 23 

because he's been buyin' all-wool suits for thirty- 
years an' hasn't ever found a thread of wool in 'em 
yet. Then the laborin' people are constantly kickin' 
about unemployment, not seemin' to be satisfied by 
his explanation that all work an' no play makes Jack 
a dull boy. 

"The worst of it all, though, is the sick fear of 
treason in their own ranks. They're not quite sure 
about Warren, for he's got a sort of idea that the 
league can be Americanized by namin' it the Happy 
Family or the Yearly Luncheon Club. An' Charlie 
Hughes has 'em scared almost to death. That's the 
worst of whiskers. You never can tell what's goin' 
on behind 'em. Of course, they keep pretty close 
watch on him, but they caught him in a bathin ' suit 
the other night, an' while they can't prove it abso- 
lutely, they're certain in their own minds that he 
met Lloyd George off Sandy Hook. An' only last 
week they found Herb Hoover tryin' to crawl over 
the French ambassador's back fence, a nail hap- 
penin' to interfere. Actually, they don't know who 
to trust. 

"Frankly, Barney, I'm sorry for 'em. Compared 
to their fiery torments, the Boy on the Burnin' Deck 
went to glory in a refrigerator. I wouldn't blame 
'em a bit if they shook the dust of this ungrateful, 
country off their feet, an' went to make a new life 
in Mexico or Tibet or some other country intelligent 



24 UNCLE HENRY 

enough to live by itself. About the only ray of hope 
they have is Colonel George Harvey. Even if 
America v^on't turn against the v^orld, they're con- 
fident George can turn the v^orld against America." 

"I'm against having anything to do v^ith Europe," 
declared Barney, "an' if you ask me, I'll say men 
like Johnson an' Moses an' McCormick are the bone 
an' sinew of America." 

"Well," said Uncle Henry cautiously, "I don't 
know about the sinew." 



GATGH-AS-GATGH-GAN HEALING 

"TTTHERE'S Barney?" asked the Cub Reporter, 

VV looking across the lobby to where a stranger 
presided over the cigar stand. 

"At home in bed," answered Uncle Henry, putting 
down his paper. "He got cured yesterday by one of 
these here chiropractors. The family's worried, but 
they think rest an' quiet will pull him through." 

"What do you know about that!" The rising 
young journalist shook his head as he slumped into 
one of the hotel's big leather chairs. "Well, how 
those birds get away with it is a wonder to me." 

"Perfectly simple," said Uncle Henry philosophi- 
cally. "They've got sense enough to keep on cater- 
ing to one of the strongest passions of the human 
race, that's all. Love cools, friends fail, an' tastes 
change, but ill health, my boy, is something that's 
with you from birth to death, absorbin' at the outset 
an' growin' in interest from year to year. You're 
young now, an' you think you know what pleasure 
is, but just wait until you've passed the careless 
twenties, an' you'll find out that life holds no joy 
like a good reliable ailment, especially when it's 
more or less imaginary. 

25 



26 UNCLE HENRY 

"In the big towns you don't get the full thrill of 
the chase, but in smaller places it's the national 
game. Take Missouri where I grew up, livin' on 
roots an' herbs till twenty-one, when acorns were 
allowed. Our little town had no theatre, the only 
book was Hostetter's Almanac, an' the prevalent 
religion didn't allow us cards, music, or dancin', so 
you can see that one's health was the only possible 
entertainment. Laugh all you want to, but you'd 
be surprised at the amount of excitement to be 
gotten out of it. There was Old Man Bassett, for 
instance. As a boy he'd received a lot of benefit 
from some medicine that came in a square bottle, 
but, unfortunately, the darned label got washed off, 
an' in huntin' for some more he had nothin' to guide 
him but the shape. For forty years he sampled 
every square bottle that came to town, takin' 'em 
as they came an' dodgin' nothin'. Don't talk to me 
about Columbus, Peary, Daniel Boone, or Buffalo 
Bill! For sheer courage, thrillin' experience, an' 
hairbreadth escapes, none of 'em had anything on 
Old Man Bassett as he threaded his perilous way 
along the drug-store shelves, never knowin' but 
what the next swallow would be his last. 

"Every public-spirited physician was in on the 
game. When I walked into Doc Mallon's office, an' 
commenced givin' a brief synopsis of my interior, 
I had the same keen pleasure as though I was 



CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN HEALING 27 

p— — — — — — — ■ ———————1^.^—1 

pickin' up Treasure Island* for the first time. But 
don't get the idea that his part of the performance 
ended with intelligent listenin'. No, sir! When 
you stopped for breath or stumbled over a comma, 
Doc was right there with intelligent understandin'. 
No matter how bad off I thought myself, he could 
always make it a little bit worse, though never fail- 
in' to end with the assurance that I had come to him 
jes' in time. Lookin' back, I reckon the most of 
'em gave us bread pills when it wasn't a case for 
calomel or quinine, but they never let us know it. 
When we went out of their offices, it was with the 
conviction that, while other people might have more 
ailments, we were in a class by ourselves when it 
came to the terrible an' mysterious. 

"All of a sudden this Golden Age came to an end. 
The doctors, rushin' in with loud cries, dragged all 
sorts of organs out of concealment an' commenced 
to make 'em the subject of excited conversation. 
The stomach particularly. Everything was blamed 
on it. Doc Mallon was bit by the madness the same 
as the rest. I'd been in Washington for a session 
of Congress, an' on my second day back home I 
thought I'd run in on Doc an' give myself a nice 
emotional half hour. Before I'd gotten more than 
skin-deep he stopped me with a bark like a dog's. 

" *Overeatin' !' he said. 'Exercise your muscles 
instead of your teeth. That's all.' " 



28 UNCLE HENRY 

"An' then he spilled a lot of stuff about calories 
an* proteins an' vitamines, an' added up a column 
of figures to get a total that represented my per- 
centage per meal, or something like that. *Go 'way 
from me!' I said to him when indignation left off 
chokin'. Tayin' for three meals a day is bad enough 
without havin' my dinner cooked in an addin' ma- 
chine an' served by an expert accountant. No, sir!' 

"As it was with me, so it was with everybody else 
who found their pleasures in prescriptions. We 
didn't know what to do. There w^e were with symp- 
toms pilin' up on us an' no place to go. An' then, 
when everything was most stale, flat, an' unprofit- 
able, along came a large, portly gentleman with as 
fine a pair of dark bay whiskers as you'd find in a 
day's travel. Dr. Bahama was his name, an' he lost 
no time in restorin' human ills to their proper place 
in the Hst of human excitements. Nobody could fool 
him by any talk about teeth, nor was he deceived by 
any outward show of health. In great thunderin* 
tones he brought the message of disease to us, an' 
made us personally acquainted with every great 
affliction from bubonic plague to Asiatic cholera. 

*'Goin' home from the op'ry house that very first 
night, Jim Peavey, the undertaker, proposed to one 
of the Ramsey girls on the strength of his prospects. 

"But Doc Bahama was there with the remedy as 
well as the revelation. As a result of years of study 



CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN HEALING 29 

an' research, he'd stumbled upon the great truth that 
all the ills the human flesh is heir to are divided up 
between two colors. In his office, therefore, he had 
two windows — one painted red an' green glass in the 
other — an' at the bottom of each window was a 
shinin' copper plate. With one glance of his eagle 
eye the good old doc would decide the color of your 
trouble, an' then you'd strip to the buff an' 
get on the plate in front of the red window or 
the green window, as the case might be. After 
wavin' his hands all over to gather strength an' 
healin' from the air. Doc would slam both palms 
hard on the shoulder blades, an' start a quick down- 
ward rubbin' — long, powerful strokes that sent 
all your disease into frenzied retreat through the 
stomach an' legs, past the knee caps an' ankles, 
an' out the feet into the copper plates, never to 
return. 

"Within a week the whole town was in a quiver 
of excitement. If the doc had lasted, I reckon he'd 
have rinsed out the entire population, but he drank 
considerable, an' when pink elephants began comin' 
in through his green window he felt that the place 
was becomin' too crowded. 

"It's the same way to-day. We're in the doldrums. 
When I was out back home last Christmas, Old Man 
Lyons told me it was next to impossible to get a 
medicine that would 'take holt.' Worst of all, when 



80 UNCLE HENRY 

the regular docs tired of cook books, what did they 
do but go an' take up dream books. 

"The minute I saw 'em goin' crazy over this 
psychoanalysis I feared the worst, for we're still a 
virile people. After I've set in a doctor's office for 
an hour, readin' the annual report of the County 
Medical Society for 1904, I ain't in no humor to be 
told my rheumatism comes from havin' seen the 
snowstorm in *Hazel Kirke' fifty-two years ago. 
Nothing was more inevitable than that a school of 
healiri' like the chiropractors would spring up. It's 
got the punch, my boy. A wallop in both hands. A 
red-blooded system for red-blooded people; healin' 
under the rules of catch-as-catch-can. 

"Between you an' me/' said Uncle Henry, sink- 
ing his voice to a confidential whisper, "an' not 
wantin' it to go any further, I had an experience 
with 'em myself. One mornin' not long back I got to 
readin' some of their advertisin', an' before I knew 
it I had the darn'dest pain in my back you ever felt. 
The more I read the worse I got until finally my 
whole spine was involved, an' if I'd taken the 
pamphlet with me I'll bet I'd have died on the car. 

"By the time I reached that there chiropractor 
I could feel pieces of vertebrae clinkin' against my 
knee caps. Well, sir, the doc shook his head the 
minute he saw me, an' even before I opened my 
mouth told me I'd got to him jes' in time. 



CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN HEALING 31 

"'What do you think's the matter?' I asked him, 
tryin' hard to keep up a brave front. 

" *We chiropractors don't have to think/ he said 
with a pityin' smile. *We know. It's your spine/ 
he said, sinkin' his finger into my back up to the 
very knuckle. *It's a wonder you ain't dead.' 

" What do you mean ?' I exclaimed, scared right 
away, for the old spinal column, as a matter of fact, 
hadn't been added up for years. 

" *Why,' he said, *every single one of your verte- 
brates is out of place. Darned if your back don't feel 
like a roller coaster. An' your neck !' he said, givin' 
it a sudden twist that made every cord hum like a 
jew's-harp. *If you came down here in a street car, 
it's funny you didn't fall to pieces. Reckon you've 
been goin' to some of the old-fashioned pill doctors, 
haven't you?' he murmured, givin' my head a 
last idle spin that lost me both collar buttons. *How 
them fellers have the nerve to take money is 
more'n I can see. Well, it's goin* to take all I've 
got,' he said, rollin' up his sleeves an' spittin' on his 
hands, *but I'm game if you are. Peel off the top 
clothes.' 

" 'Don't you believe in diagnosis at all ?' I asked 
him while I was unlacin' my shoes. 

" *No, indeed,' he said. *A medicine like that 
would kill you in your present condition. Climb up 
on the table there,' he said, *an' lay face down.' 



32 UNCLE HENRY 

"I did so, an* with one leap he straddled a leg an' 
was hammerin' away at my foot. Before I could 
ask him what in thunder he was doin' he'd dropped 
everything an' was fairly sweatin' explanations. 

"Y'see, he'd been a blacksmith up to the last six 
weeks, an' habit was still strong in him. Between 
apologies he pulled the table apart until there was 
nothin' to support my stomach but the batter cakes 
I'd had for breakfast, an' then there was a moment 
of silence, followed by a kind of puffin' an' blowin*. 
Squintin' around out of the corner of my eye, I saw 
the chiropractor leap from a chair to the top of the 
bookcase, an' then make another jump to the 
chandelier. 

"As long as I live I'll never forget the look in his 
eyes. I couldn't move. It was as if I'd been para- 
lyzed. For a full minute he hung from that chan- 
delier, swingin' backward an' forward until he'd 
obtained a terrible momentum, an' then he let go an' 
launched himself right at me. I tried to dodge — to 
scream out — ^then something hit me square in the 
center of the back, an' I knew no more. I returned 
to consciousness to find a terrible pain in my back 
and a hand in my mouth. 

" The way that snap sounded,' the chiropractor 
was murmurin', *made me think the trouble might 
be in your throat. Ever have anything the matter 
with your bronnicals?' 

U. H.— 1 



CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN HEALING 33 

"Well, it's been years since I carried a gun, an' 
the only thing in the office that offered itself at all 
was a big glass paper weight clear across the room. 
Jes' as I was gatherin' every ounce of energy to 
make a spring for it he let my throat alone an* 
grabbed up one of my hands. 

" 'Too bad/ he says, shakin* his head sadly. 'I 
thought you had it when I first seen you.' 

"^Had what?' says I. 

" Tuberculosis,' says he. 'Look at the color of 
that nail ! An' the width of it ! But consumption's 
my specialty, friend, so don't be worried.' 

"I wasn't, for the finger he had hold of was one 
that had gotten in the way of a foul tip fifty years 
before. Well, I had an awful time gettin' home, 
but aside from two weeks in bed, an' havin' to lie 
to my wife — she wouldn't have understood — ^there 
wasn't anything much the matter with me. 

"An' I'll say the cure was permanent. Whenever 
I see one of these chiropractic advertisements now 
I make a rush for the cellar, put on a chest pro- 
tector, grab the ax, an' refuse to let anybody come 
nearer than the top step. No, siree! Nobody's 
ever goin' to macadamize my back for me again, 
not if I know it. 

"Lord knows what's goin' to come of it all. One 
thing sure, the regular schools can't stand up 
against it seein' as how this here chiropractic 

U. H.— 2 



34 UNCLE HENRY 

doesn't call for long study an* preparation. All 
you've got to have is $68.98, or thereabouts, an' an 
address where the mail carrier can easily find you. 
There's none of the grind an' worry that keeps so 
many ambitious young Americans out of regular 
schools. An' the diplomas are beautiful! Even if 
you can't read what's on 'em, the picture tells its 
own story an' is an ornament to any office. 

"No question either about the change it's goin' to 
work in the racial type. Lord, but I'd like to come 
back here in a hundred years an' see what people 
look like. For a while, what with every Sunday 
paper addin' a magazine section, it looked as if we 
were goin' to get more an' more mental until there 
was nothin' left of us but a great shinin' forehead 
restin' shakily on a gumdropsical chest an' a pair 
of property legs. But chiropractic's saved us ! It's 
the old virile note that's bein' sounded again, my 
boy. 

"The mollycoddle days are over. Inside of this 
century I'll bet you'll find Americans classed among 
the fur-bearin' animals, an' livin' in trees when 
they're not tearin' them up by the roots to beat off 
a doctor." 

"What did you say the course cost?" asked the 
Cub Reporter, a dreamy look in his eye. 



PASSING OF THE OLD GUARD 

^''PVON'T talk to me about conservation/' ex- 

■^-^ claimed Uncle Henry. "We Americans are 
the most wasteful people that ever squandered the 
natural resources of a country. Before you know it, 
there won't be any wild life left at all." 

"What's the matter now?" asked the Cub Reporter. 

"Oh, these election results in Indiana an' Penn- 
sylvania. Elder statesmen of the Grand Old Party 
defeated by rank outsiders like Beveridge an' Pinchot 
an' Frazier. First it was the buffalo that went. We 
never stayed our ruthless hands until all of 'em had 
been killed off. Then we cleaned the forests an' 
streams of every single livin' thing. Bear, deer, 
antelope, otter, wild pigeons — a continuous slaugh- 
ter! An' now it's the Old Guard. There are no 
females of the species any more an' one by one 
the great herd bulls are bein' brought down. Poor 
old New! The least Beveridge can do is to have 
him stuffed an' presented to the Indiana Histor- 
ical Society. A magnificent specimen, measurin' 
eighteen feet from hip to hip. 

"Up to twenty years ago there were hundreds 
of thousands of Old Guards, pawin' the ground 

35 



36 UNCLE HENRY 

wherever you looked, an* fillin' the air with joyous 
bellowin*. All through the McKinley Administra- 
tion there was a closed season on 'em, an' the great 
corporations took a keen scientific interest in their 
protection an' improvement. They let the tariff 
grow high in those days, never cuttin' it, an' there 
the Old Guards had their wallows, comin' to immense 
size an' incredible sleekness. Taft was jes' as kind, 
an' many a time, when the winters were hard, he'd 
bring herd after herd right into the White House 
grounds an' feed 'em with his own hands. 

"About that time was when you first heard of Gif- 
ford Pinchot. One day he let fly right into the 
bunch, badly cripplin' an old ballinger that was 
standin' shoulder deep in a crib, an' throwin' an 
awful scare into the rest. Nobody wanted anything 
done to him — ^you know yourself how it is when a 
youngster first gets hold of a .22 — ^but Taft went 
wild, an' it was only by the hardest work that friends 
got Giff's sentence commuted to a life term in 
Pennsylvania. 

"Aside from accidents like that, everything was 
lovely until 1912, when Roosevelt discovered the 
beauties an' values of the moose. He demanded all 
the grazin' grounds for 'em. Old Guards were a 
pest. They ate the seed corn. Away with 'em! 
Lord, what a slaughter it was! Out West there 
wasn't a home that didn't have a hide nailed to the 



PASSING OF THE OLD GUARD 37 

fence, an' it got so after a while they didn't even 
stop to skin 'em, jes' left 'em where they lay. 

"The frenzy passed, of course, an' in 1916 Teddy 
himself led a movement to restore the breed. They 
tried crossin' 'em with Progressives an' got some- 
thing they called Standpattives, but it didn't work 
very well. Then Harding got to be President, an' 
the first thing he did was to comb the country for 
every survivin' Old Guard he could find, an' give 
'em stall room in Washington. But now the hunt is 
on again. It's the old blood lust of 1912. The guns 
are out, an' only in the high peaks is there safety. 

"In Connecticut the Humane Society is concealin' 
Brandegee in the hills, carryin' him food at night. 
The Smithsonian Institute has asked Congress to 
save Lodge an' Smoot for historical purposes, an' 
Johns Hopkins is after Fordney. Curtis knows 
every prairie-dog hole in Kansas, an' there's a 
chance for him. Truman Newberry depends en- 
tirely on protective coloring, an' is hidin' out in the 
mint. Between you an* me, however, I don't think 
one will be saved. When Americans get up their 
huntin' fever, it's hard to stop 'em. 

"I suppose you might call it inevitable, but still 
it's sad, for when they pass somethin' mighty fine 
an' noble will have gone out of our life. Where's 
our stability goin' to come from? You hear a lot 
nowadays about standin' for things, but this new 



38 UNCLE HENRY 

generation doesn't know what standin' really means. 
Gibraltar might get tired an' move around a bit, an' 
the Rockies commence to fidget an' squirm, but the 
Old Guard never knew what it was to change a 
position. In the days of Aldrich, you couldn't tell 
the Senate from Arizona's famous petrified forest. 
Visitors used to chip pieces off of 'em, an' they'd 
never bat an eye. 

"An' what a passion for service! Look at all the 
years they attended to politics for us! Day after 
day, night after night, they sat in stuffy back rooms, 
pickin* out the candidates most calculated to do the 
people good. Why, their patient care made election 
days more like a happy game than anjrthing else. 
For all the mental effort required, we might as well 
have been playin' blind man's buff or pin the tail 
on the donkey. An' leavin' all the cheerin' to us 
while they did the onerous, thankless drudgery of 
countin'. 

"It makes my heart bleed when I think of how 
we're requitin' their selfless devotion. Not only did 
they do all the thinkin' for us, but we didn't even 
have to go to the polls if our arches bothered us. 
At all times they stood ready to supply somebody to 
vote for you. When I think of those days it makes 
me laugh to hear Conan Doyle acclaimed as a discov- 
erer. Why, the Old Guard had established connec- 
tions with the next world before Sherlock Holmes 



PASSING OF THE OLD GUARD 39 

was born. With my own eyes I've seen *em vote a 
whole graveyard. 

"Almost every paper an' magazine I pick up has a 
whole lot to say explainin' the Indiana, North 
Dakota, an' Pennsylvania results. Some think it's 
because Beveridge is an author. Well, there's no 
doubt that Indiana is crazy over literature. They 
tell me there isn't a home in the State that hasn't 
got a book, an' sometimes two if you count the tele-^ 
phone company's authoritative work. They have a 
way of plantin' poets an' novelists by the dark of 
the moon that seems to get results. New himself 
was worried over Beveridge's writin' an' started a 
'Don't waste paper' campaign, but, as for me, I 
don't think literature had anything to do with it. 

"Here's the real reason as I see it. It was an 
outraged people's revolt against fifty-seven years 
of deception. Some way or other, the Republican 
voters got on to the fact that Abraham Lincoln was 
dead. Nobody knows who let the cat out of the bag. 
Harding swears it wasn't him, an' Daugherty has a 
good alibi. He's been busy these last few years 
perfectin' the Morse code. Borah would be sus- 
pected instantly if everybody didn't know that he 
had been in Russia an' Ireland this whole session 
of Congress. 

"It was practically the same thing that brought 
on the Democratic Old Guard's attack of catalepsy, 



40 UNCLE HENRY 

only they were clever enough to keep the secret 
more than a hundred years. What happened in 
1920 was that some Southern senator — whether he 
got liquor or religion isn't quite clear — spilled the 
beans an' let it leak out that Thomas Jefferson was 
no longer an active candidate. No question about 
the shock bein' profound. I don't think Missouri 
ever will be the same, for out there they hadn't 
even heard of his illness. 

"Of course there are a lot of other causes con- 
nected with the Old Guard defeats. Women, for one 
thing. The minute they came into politics I knew 
we were headed hell bent for trouble. It isn't that 
they don't want to do the right thing, but they jes' 
haven't got the savvy. I remember a franchise 
election we had once, an' the water company had 
the bright idea of hirin' all the women at $10 a day 
to act as canvassers or something like that. Well, 
when election came, darned if every female didn't 
vote in favor of municipal ownership an' against 
the private monopoly. The poor creatures didn't 
have sense enough to know that they had been 
bought Men have a hundred times more honor. 
In my time I've seen thousands of dollars paid 
for votes, an' I've never yet heard of a man actin' 
dishonestly. 

"Prohibition also had a lot to do with the outcome. 
Red-blooded men can't do good work on sundaes. 



PASSING OF THE OLD GUARD 41 

In the days when the saloon gave vim an' vigor to 
the citizen, I've seen 'em start votin' early in the 
mornin' an' keep it up until dark without turnin' 
a hair. You can't get up any sort of enthusiasm for 
your civic duty on Eskimo pie. Nowadays people 
are ready to call it a day after they've cast one 
ballot. 

"As a matter of course, all these changes put the 
Old Guard up in the air. Why, out in Indiana they 
didn't even know that Beveridge was campaignin' 
until too late to do anything about it. They looked 
in the barber shops, the livery stables, the pool 
halls, an' even where the saloons used to be, but 
they couldn't find hide or hair of him. 

"To be sure, they heard a steady buzzin' that 
seemed to come from the churches an' Chautauquas 
an' homes, but who would ever have dreamed of 
lookin' for anything political in places like that? 
An' that's where Albert was all the time. They 
begged him to come outside an' fight like a man, 
but he wouldn't take any notice of 'em. Jes' kept 
on talkin' about present-day issues, hardly ever men- 
tionin' George Washington an' virtually ignorin' 
the Civil War. 

"Lord knows what the end of it is goin' to be, 
Anything's possible when outsiders like Beveridge, 
Frazier an' Pinchot can \\in. The mania's liable to 
spread, an' before the year's over you're liable to see 



42 UNCLE HENRY 

"■"■""■ '■■ „.,J 

rank outsiders hoppin' up all over the place, oustin* 
men who've given their whole lives to politics. 
Cranks yellin' around about good government an' 
service an' efficiency ! Now understand me, I don't 
say that they're not all right, but we've gotten along 
for 147 years without 'em, haven't we? 

"An' what's goin' to become of the grand old 
parties? When you once release forces of chaos, 
my boy, there's no controllin' 'em. Unless some- 
thing's done you may yet see the day when men in 
office will actually think of other things than the 
organization. It sounds like sacrilege, I know, but 
we must not allow any sick sense of honor to blind 
us to probabilities. It's not alone the Middle West. 
The Solid South is showin' great cracks an' even in 
New England they're havin' difficulty in confinin' 
political discussions to Appomattox." 

"People are sick of the old bunk," placidly asserted 
the Cub Reporter. "A wave of reform is about to 
hit the country." 

"Maybe so," said Uncle Henry, "but it remains 
to be seen whether it's a permanent wave or jes' 
a temporary crimp." 



THE POOR LITTLE RICH MAN 

"OPLENDID!" exclaimed Uncle Henry. 

i^ "What's splendid?" asked the Cub Reporter, 
looking up from his own paper. 

"The recovery of the English. For a long time 
our cousins across the sea have been depressed. 
Cricket, croquet, marmalade, an' all their other 
hardy sports lost zest, an' oftentimes it was all of 
4.10 or 4.15 before they'd get up heart for tea. But 
everything's all right now. The optimism of Old 
Albion has come back on the hop, an' the empire is 
again ablaze with the faith that moves mountains. 
They're actually talkin' about getting some good out 
of the peerage by substitutin' an aristocracy of 
brains for an aristocracy of birth. It says here that 
Lieutenant Colonel Lowther, A. E. I. 0. U. an' some- 
times W. an' Y., has introduced a bill in Commons 
providin' for a radical reorganization of the House 
of Lords, proposin' to change the color scheme 
entirely by kickin' out blue blood. 

"It's an encouragin' sign, Jimmy, but I doubt very 
much if anything will come of it. Y'see, it isn't as 
if the House of Lords was something new an' sent 
on approval. Heaven only knows how old it is, for 

43 



44 UNCLE HENRY 

Chauncey Depew once told me it was runnin' when 
he was a boy. Anyway, the English are a whole lot 
different from us when it comes to antiquities. Here 
in the United States when a thing gets old — say, 
fifteen or twenty years — we tear it down as soon as 
the strikers go back to work, but in England they 
put a brass tablet on it an' charge admission. 
They're proud of age an' particularly proud of the 
ailments that go with age. That's why they've got 
such a warm spot for the House of Lords. 

"Membership in that august body, I may explain, 
used to be a reward for havin' supported the King. 
You can take that any way you like. A peer does. 
Some monarchs were hard pressed by foes, others 
by creditors, but in no case did they fail to ennoble 
the gallant lads that came to the rescue. I'm no 
Anglomaniac, but my heart can't help from beatin* 
faster at some of the tremendous pictures that his- 
tory paints for us. A king at bay, his back against 
the wall — battle field or race track, it doesn't make 
much difference — an' he blows his horn or nose, a 
sign of distress, an' from every side his supporters 
spring forward, armed either with swords or check 
books, dependin' on the generation, an' when the 
danger is past, the grateful prince, tappin' shoulder 
after shoulder, says: 'Arise, Sir Geoffrey Strong- 
bow, Earl of Pembroke,' or: 'Get up, Moe; you're 
now a baron, so where's my note?' 



THE POOR LITTLE RICH MAN 45 

"Yessir, the House of Lords was a wonderful in- 
stitution — well managed — fine medical staff an' 
kindly keepers — but there's no question that Lloyd 
George has pulled it down considerable. They tell 
me it got so he actually hawked titles. When he 
was buildin' up the Coalition Liberals, an' raisin' 
money for the campaign, you couldn't go anywhere 
in London without hearin' his shrill cry: Teers 
put in ! Peers put in !' If a home gave any appear- 
ance of wealth at all, he'd go right up an' knock on 
the front door, an' many a hard-workin' man's come 
home at night to find the whole month's household 
money spent for a baronetcy. Undoubtedly you 
yourself have heard the expression 'coming across 
in the peerage'? 

"As a consequence, the House of Lords is so 
crowded now that they're sleepin' in their seats. A 
duke sleeps the longest, but an earl the loudest. All 
of 'em are searched at the door for ideas. 

"No question that England has got to do some- 
thing. These are times when St. Vitus is on the 
rampage, an' more than any other country. Old 
Albion is sufferin' from the jumps. You see, Jimmy, 
the White Man's burden isn't what it used to be. 
Ten or even fifteen years ago it was simply a case 
of takin' it down to the bank an' gettin' a deposit 
slip for it. Now you've got to hide it in the cellar 
an' throw a police guard around the house to keep 



46 UNCLE HENRY 



the infuriated owners from gettin' it back. Jes' 
look at the way they're carryin' on in Egypt an' 
India. After all these years of sturdy British rule, 
you'd think those heathens would all be civilized, 
but there are any number of 'em still at large. An' 
now with Lloyd George spendin' so much of his time 
in Genoa, an' almost all their novelists lecturin' here 
in the United States, the need for strong men is 
pretty acute. 

"The paper doesn't make it quite clear jes' how 
Colonel Lowther means to bring about his aristoc- 
racy of brains, but I'm mighty eager to learn the 
details. Between you an' me, if the idea is a good 
one the United States might do a whole lot worse 
than steal it. Lord knows, we've tried hard enough 
to get brains by the elective process, but we've fallen 
into the habit of confusin' 'em with sweetbreads. 

"As things are to-day, we're runnin' our biggest 
business — the Government of the United States — 
with our littlest men. When an English boy doesn't 
show any particular ability to earn a livin', they put 
him in the church, but over here we put him in 
office. If it's a quiet case, with symptoms more or 
less latent, he's given some important administrative 
position, but if the ravin' stage has been reached, he 
goes to Congress. When it comes to huntin' men 
for the public service we've always used a micro- 
scope an' an air rifle. 



THE POOR LITTLE RICH MAN 47 



"You know as well as I do that the brains of 
America, except in a few exceptional cases, aren't 
in public life. England may suffer from an aristoc- 
racy of birth, but we've got an aristocracy of money 
that's about as useful as a hangnail. When big 
men do take an interest in politics, it's usually at 
10 or 20 per cent. Instead of runnin' the Govern- 
ment, they generally prefer to run the men that 
run the Government — the power behind the bone. 
I don't know as I blame 'em much, considerin' the 
gantlet an office seeker is compelled to run these 
days, for why should a man take a mud bath publicly 
when he can go to Carlsbad or French Lick an' get 
it private? 

''Year by year the situation grows w^orse. Wider 
an' wider stretches the gulf between public service 
an' private protiteerin'. Little men m.akin' laws an' 
big men breakin' 'em. The finest lot of executive, 
administrative, an' organizin' genius that any nation 
has ever produced, great financial abilities, dynamic 
energies, rare technical skills, marvelous legal talent 
— all permitted to concentrate on their own personal 
an' selfish advantage, while the government of the 
country bumps an' rattles along like one of the old 
high bicycles I used to ride when I was a boy. An' 
we talk about efficiency! 

"What makes it worse is that the whole thing is 
such a colossal cheat all the way round. The Gov- 



48 UNCLE HENRY 

ernment gets shoddy instead of an all-wool article, 
an' men who might have lived in the hearts of their 
countrymen go to the grave with a vague, sick sense 
of failure. In all this world I don't know of any- 
thing more pathetic than the sight of an aged mil- 
lionaire tryin' to win popularity by slingin' his 
money around until a man's afraid to venture out 
unless he's got a steel helmet on. It used to bring 
tears into my eyes to watch old Andrew Carnegie 
runnin' around from town to town with his libraries, 
reachin' a stage of frenzy where no community with 
a vacant lot was safe. An' his pension list for super- 
annuated college professors! Starvation wages 
through their useful years, but three meals a day 
when they lose their teeth. 

"An' look at my old friend Rockefeller! If you 
leave a buildin' site out overnight, he'll have a Foun- 
dation on it before mornin'. Institutes for anything 
an' everything, educatin' the Chinese until you can't 
get a shirt back under two weeks, an', greatest effort 
of all, a million-dollar refuge for migratory birds. 
I've never seen 'em, but they say you can find 
Old John an' Young John in the thickets almost 
every day, roundin' up imperiled canaries an' 
reckless robins, or herdin' jaybirds down the south- 
ern trail. 

"Don't remember Harriman, do you? He died 
in his own harness, never thinkin' of government 



THE POOR LITTLE RICH MAN 49 

except when he wanted some privilege. An' there 
was Jim Hill, who went to his grave without ever 
havin' held an office. I can give you a list as long 
as my arm of men that the country needed, but 
never had the sense to draft. If we ever had any 
of the intelligence that we love to brag about, do 
you know what we'd do? Take the cases I've jes' 
mentioned. Some mornin' the President would 
have looked up from his reports an' said to him- 
self : *H-m-m ! There's a bunch we can use. Better 
catch 'em young before they form bad habits.' 
An' the next thing you'd be hearin' this sort of 
conversation : 

" *Now listen to me, Andy. Steel is about the 
most important question before the House jes' now, 
an' you know too darned much about it to be outside 
the Government service. Come on in an' get busy. 
Figure out better an' cheaper methods of produc- 
tion, tell me to-morrow what's a fair price per ton, 
an' keep your eye peeled so nobody slips any puttied 
armor plate over on us. Hustle, or I'll see you don't 
get any haggis for a week. 

" * Hey, you Rockefeller! Quit chasin' that dollar 
an' come here. There's your desk an' you can get 
down any time you Want to if it's before eight. Dig 
out a plan for oil development, refinin' an' distri- 
bution, an' all that sort of thing. Cheap oil's the 
idea, John! Cheap an' good! An' hand me some 



50 UNCLE HENRY 



red-hot ideas on how to make competition fair an' 
open. You ought to know. 

" 'Harriman ! Put that railroad back where you 
found it an' report for duty. What we want is a 
good sound transportation scheme for America — a 
model for the world. Fly at it! 

" 'Hello, Hill. You've done some big things, but 
we're goin' to give you a chance to do 'em big- 
ger. There are thousands an' thousands of miles 
of desert that have to be turned into orchards — 
mountains to tunnel — streams to harness — forests 
to save an' forests to plant. There's a young fellow 
named Luther Burbank that we can turn over to 
you, an' a Dutchman named Weyerhauser who's a 
wizard at timber. Here's your hat, old man, an' 
good luck.' 

"Do you think they wouldn't have leaped at the 
chance? Let me tell you this, my boy. There was 
never a people in the history of the whole world 
that cared less for money. It's nothing but chips 
in a game, an' only prized because it's the one 
present way we have of makin' success visible an' 
victory tangible. I sat here durin' the war an' 
watched most of the big men of America answer 
their country's call. Many came at first from a sense 
of duty, but when they began to get the meanin' 
of public service, an' got some of the applause that 
unselfish effort always commands, pride an' happi- 



THE POOR LITTLE RICH MAN 51 

ness bubbled up in 'em until hard-boiled gents of 
sixty nickered like colts. They loved it, an' when 
politicians kicked 'em out at the end of the war, 
every man Jack went back to his money makin' 
with an ache in his heart. 

"There's the answer. We've got to make peace 
as important as war, beatin' it into men that it's 
jes' as fine to live for their country as to die for it." 



THE YELLOW PERIL 

''TT7ELL, thank the good Lord, we've got rid of 
VV the Yellow Peril at last!" Uncle Henry 
heaved a sigh of relief as he leaned comfortably 
against the cigar counter. 

"No, not the Sunday supplements. It's China I'm 
talkin' about. Yessir," he continued happily, "a 
great shadow has lifted from the world. No more 
will the peaceful an' industrious Caucasian have to 
live under the fear of the violent an' predatory Celes- 
tial. The white man can now take up his burden 
wherever an' whenever the owner has been foolish 
enough to leave it out overnight. The teeth of the 
heathen Chinee's been drawn, a stern proceedin', but 
in line with the best modern medical practice. Acid's 
his trouble. 

"It certainly is a great relief to me to get the 
straight of things, for I don't mind tellin' you I had 
this China business all wrong. Up to lately, I fig- 
ured the Chink as a sort of walkin' banana that 
anybody could skin an' did. A simple childlike soul, 
bringin' his wife's family to live with him, regularly 
handin' over his pay envelope to his great-grand- 
mother, or the oldest survivin' ancestor, an' eatin* 

53 



54 UNCLE HENRY 

nothing stronger than chop suey with now an' then 
a grain of rice for the stomach's sake. For years, it 
seems to me, I never picked up a paper without see- 
in' that some great power or other, without even 
troublin' to wear a mask, had civilized poor old 
China the night before. Accordin' to the lyin' his- 
tories I used to read, it started as far back as 1842 
when the impracticable Chinee tried to stop the 
opium traffic. 

" *You would, would you!* cried outraged Eng- 
land, who'd built up the business from nothing you 
might say. *Have you no respect for vested rights ? 
Take that, you anarchist ! And that ! And, by way 
of drivin' home the moral lesson, just hand over 
Hongkong. Also slip us the triflin' sum of $42,000,- 
000 while we've got our hand in your pocket. You'd 
only spend it, anyway.' 

"France, eager to find room for her decreasin* 
population, the congestion in the Folies Bergere 
bein' something frightful, was the next power to 
make war on China. I forget the cause, but I think 
a shirt was scorched or maybe Hop Lee wouldn't 
turn over the laundry without the ticket. Anyway, 
the militant Frank took Cochin-China, and since 
the wagon was backed up to the door, an' lots of 
room left, also loaded in Annam and Tonkin. 

" *Help !' yells China. Tor the love of Confucius, 
help!' 



THE YELLOW PERIL 55 

"What's the matter?' says Russia, runnin' up 
with a lope. 

" 'IVe been robbed. Twas France an' England. 
I could identify 'em anywhere.' 

" *But why didn't you scream for the police?' asks 
Russia. 

" 1 did/ moans China. 

" 'At the top of your voice?' 

" 'Louder than that.* 

" *An' did nobody come?' 

" 'Nobody at all.' 

" 'Then I think I'll take a few things myself,' says 
Russia, helpin' herself to the Amur River an' a 
large slice of Manchuria. 

"It bein' England's turn now, John Bull picked up 
the map of China and saw a province called Sikkim. 
He did, an', bein' on the ground, took over Burma 
at the same time. 

" 'My move/ says France, an' grabs Cambodia. 

"Up to this time the Japs had been confinin' their 
imitations to Navajo blankets an' German silver, 
but now they got ambitious. Stealin' the French 
an' English patterns, they made a Chinese war that 
you couldn't tell from the original, an' after it was 
over, awarded themselves the Liaotung Peninsula, 
Formosa, an' the Pescadores Islands. But the 
scoundrels hadn't taken outraged civilization into 
account. 



56 UNCLE HENRY 

i— —■—^^^»^^^——^^—— ^—^— —————— i^"^ 

" ^Bandits !' cried England, France, an* Russia in 
one horrified voice. 'Thieves ! Bums ! Waging v^ar 
on a weaker nation, violating the territorial integrity 
of China, not to mention infringing on our patent 
rights. Don't try to make out you didn't see our 
signs.' 

"So the Triple Extract made Nippon hand back 
the Liaotung Peninsula, an' no sooner was it back 
than all three made a rush for it, Russia winnin' by 
a bayonet's length. 

"Just then they heard a loud shout, an' before 
they could get out an injunction, the Kaiser was 
among 'em. 

" 'You seem to have your hands full,' he says 
enviously, 'but I'm fresh an' strong an' also willing. 
What's that over there?' he says. 'Shantung? Well, 
it's not much of a chance to show what Kultur can 
do, but I'll take it/ he says, 'an' maybe I can work up 
a demand.' 

"The more England got to thinkin' things over, 
the worse she felt about it. 

'"I'm a loafer in the vineyard,' she says. 'I'm 
not carryin' my fair share of the White Man's bur- 
den. To be sure, I've got Ireland on hand,' she says, 
'an almost impossible people to civilize,' she says, 
'bein' so fleet of foot, an' goodness knows India an' 
Egypt take most of my spiritual advisers/ she says, 
'but still, by cuttin' down a bank holiday here an' a 



THE YELLOW PERIL 57 

cricket match there, I think I can find the time,' she 
says, 'an' the ammunition.' 

"So she takes the harbor of Weihaiwei, an' before 
KipHng could get through writin' a poem about it. 
Old England grabs a 400-mile chunk of Kowloon an' 
then the whole Yangtze Valley. Poor Rudyard had 
to hire two journeymen poets an' an apprentice, an' 
even then he couldn't keep up with the grand old 
Union Blackjack. 

"Meanwhile the Japs had not been idle. Appre- 
ciatin', at last, the benefits of civilization, they'd 
been takin' a correspondence course in culture from 
the well-known Krupp school, an' tutorin' up be- 
tween times with some learned professors from 
West Point an' Potsdam. Armed with their diplo- 
mas, an' a few other things, they took the affirmative 
in a debate with Russia, an' won handily. After 
givin' this plain proof of a superior civilization, the 
Japs took over Port Arthur, Dalny, an' all the other 
Russian holdings in China, an' fallin' in love with 
their new work, annexed Korea, an' benevolently 
absorbed southern Manchuria an' inner Mongolia. 

"*Is she sufficiently civilized to hold 'em?' asks 
England anxiously. 

" *Yes,' said France, after a long, careful look at 
the Jap navy. *I'm afraid she is.' 

"The Great War gave the Little Brown Brothers 
another chance to show that their hearts were in 



58 UNCLE HENRY 

the right place, an', givin' barbarous Germany a 
rousin' kick, they pouched Shantung. 

"That's the way I used to look at the Chinese ques- 
tion in the old days," went on Uncle Henry^ "when 
I was full of prejudices an' ignorant of the facts in 
the case. But this here Conference on Pacific an' 
Far Eastern questions that we had in Washington 
some time ago has opened my eyes to the truth. All 
that stuff I jes' told you is lies. Pure Chinese prop- 
aganda. Things never happened that way at all. 
Hongkong, Kowloon, Weihaiwei, an' the Yangtze 
Valley have always been Anglo-Saxon heritages. 
Gilbert an' Sullivan discovered 'em, an' Lipton set 
out the first tea orchard. Cochin-China, Tonkin, 
Annam, an' Yunnan are all historically French. 
Science proves it. Only the other day, learned 
archeologists, diggin' in the ruins of Hanky Poo, or 
wherever it was that civilization struck the last 
time, discovered perfectly preserved French pastry, 
or somethin' just as hard. From time in memoriam 
Shantung, Manchuria, Korea, Mongolia, an' the rest 
of 'em have been Japanese possessions, although it's 
only lately that they've been able to move any- 
thing in. 

" 'Twas Arthur Balfour that let the light in on our 
darkness. There's a man for you! A wonderful 
grasp on affairs, an' anything else, an' a mind so 
clear you can see to the bottom of it if y' come up 



THE YELLOW PERIL 59 

that way. They tell me that for passion an' pathos 
there hasn't been an equal to his speech since Harry 
Daugherty got Taft to pardon Charlie Morse. 

" *I come now/ Arthur says, when the conference 
had decided upon disarmament for France and Italy, 
'to a matter in which there is no profit for anyone, 
at least, not any more,' he says. *Needless to state^ 
I refer to the Anglo-Japanese Alliance. An' in con- 
sidering this momentous matter, ' he says, 'put aside 
your prejudices, an' particularly your color blind- 
ness. 'Tis China, an' China alone, that's the Yellow 
Peril,' he says, *for Japan is the Little Brown Bless- 
ing. See things as they are,' he says, 'an' quit being 
deceived by the lacquered exteriors of the devilish 
inmates of the Flowery Kingdom. Not even the 
rapacious Irish, the ferocious Egyptian, or the des- 
perate Hindu is more to be feared when they once 
get their faces out of the macadam.' 

" *For years,' he says, 'single-handed an' alone, 
England has been carryin' the torch of civilization/ 
he says, *an' the gun. For the last ten,' he says, 
'we've been standin' between the peaceful people of 
little Japan an' the desperate predatory hordes of 
China,' he says. 'But the time is come when the 
white man's burden is too much for us,* he says, 
'We've had to give up Ireland for lack of time an' 
attention, an' India an' Egypt show signs of relapsin' 
into barbarism unless we concentrate upon 'em,' 



60 UNCLE HENRY 

he says, *good an* hard. We need help, an' I can see 
from your face,' he says, appealin' direct to Charlie 
Hughes, *that the Anglo-Saxon in you is moved,' he 
says, *an' that you're ashamed an' envious that you 
haven't been doin' your part. Don't try to deny it,' 
he says. *Not for nothing have I read the life of 
your greatest thinker, P. T. Barnum, an' while you 
may try to hide your true feelings behind a granite 
mask,' he says, *I know the soft heart within you,' 
he says, 'to say nothing of the head. 

" 'England asks you to join vidth her for the 
future protection of the Little Brown Brother,' he 
says, *an' for the preservation of peace in the Far 
East,' he says, *so that all of us can go forward in- 
dustriously to the development of our heritages,' he 
says, 'which the owners are always trying to get 
back. There's the place to sign,' he says, putting 
his own fountain pen in Charlie's hand. *An' watch 
out as you pass Wellington Koo.' 

"Like Warren/' concluded Uncle Henry, "I haven't 
got it all quite clear in my h^ad yet, but it looks as if 
the Orient was going to get peace and get it good. 
With America and England guaranteeing protection 
to Japan, lawless China is going to think twice be- 
fore it starts anything. No longer will British and 
Japanese provinces in Japan rest under the menace 
of foreign invaders coming back to see what's been 
done to their homes." 



THE YELLOW PERIL 61 

"Doesn't China get anything out of it at all?" 
asked the Cub Reporter in some perplexity. 

"Sure," answered Uncle Henry. "She's guaran- 
teed in the possession of her unavailable rights." 

"And where do we come in?" 

"Through the Open Sore, of course." 



DEHOOVERING HERBERT 

"TDOOR old Herb !" Uncle Henry heaved a sigh as 
-L he laid the paper aside. 

"Herb who?" asked the Cub Reporter. 

"Herb Hoover, of course. It*s a gallant fight 
he's makin', but a losin' one. Slowly but surely 
they're pushin' him off the front page. Look at this 
here interview of his on Government aid for better 
complexions. Snappy stuff, every line of it, yet the 
want ad section is the best it gets. An' yesterday, 
when he gave his opinions on Russian conditions, 
with some inside dope on Vatican life, an' a de- 
scriptive bit on Babylonian art, they buried it on 
the market page. Yessir, I'm afraid Herb's got 
about as much chance as a cockroach in a porcelain 
tub. No protective colorin' an' even less foothold. 
But, pshaw! I don't suppose you've got any idea 
what I'm talkin' about?" 

"I have not," said the Cub Reporter coldly. 

"You journalists!" Uncle Henry shook his head 
despairingly. "Each day sees life's colorful tide 
risin' an' roarin' all about you, thunderous with 
romance an' adventure, struggle an' high resolve, 
laughter, tears an' hate, tragedy an' farce; yet un- 

63 



64 UNCLE HENRY 

less a gun goes off or a scream rings out, it means 
no more to you than the monotonous flow of an 
irrigation ditch. Victims of the obvious. Take 
Hoover, for instance, to you he's jes' another one 
of those Secretaries of Commerce, runnin' aroun' 
newspaper offices with articles on shark meat an' 
the home life of seals, an* bustlin' out of Cabinet 
meetings with a lot of seed catalogues under his 
arm to give an effect of vast emprises. Yet, under 
that placid exterior lives a soul on fire, an' those 
feverish activities, so meaningless to you, are des- 
perate moves an' countermoves in a Titanic struggle 
for the kingdom, the power, an' the glory. 

"Don't remember the Great War, do you? No, 
I suppose not. It was a full three years ago, an' 
talk about it was hushed up almost at once. Well, 
Woodrow Wilson was President an' Hoover head of 
the Food Administration, a big job an' one that 
brought him close to the great, hungry heart of the 
American people. 

"Lord, but the following that man built up! 
Under the inspiration of great slogans like *Food 
will win the war,' 'Service without sacrifice,' an' 
*Eat until it hurts,' he led his millions along the 
grim, bleak way of service, a glorious army without 
a straggler. Some days he would take away every 
bit of red meat, leavin' nothin' to sustain life but 
fish an' chicken, an' at other times he'd order wheat- 



DEHOOVERING HERBERT 65 

less weeks, durin' which terrible periods only cake 
an' corn bread could be obtained, but though it 
seemed that such sufferin' must inevitably result in 
rebellion, a word from Herb never failed to send 
people back to the table. An' always the forces of 
rapacity at work — ^tireless, insatiate! Hotel men, 
for instance, cuttin' portions in half, discardin' 
sugar, butter, an' wheat bread entirely, an' then 
wantin' to raise prices 500 per cent, but Herb 
fightin' 'em an' beatin' 'em, an' forcin' 'em to rest 
content with a 200 per cent advance. 

"Through it all he remained jes' as modest as he 
was in the beginnin'. Applause Was positively pain- 
ful to him, an' there wasn't anything he left undone 
to avoid the adulation of the crowd. Before enterin' 
a room or a hall or a town, a troupe of his young 
men would go on ahead an' try to make the people 
understand. They couldn't stoop to deception, of 
course, an' had to admit the true greatness of their 
chief, but after frankly confessin' all of Herb's 
achievements an' genius, they'd explain his in- 
vincible modesty an' beg everybody as a favor not 
to make any more of a fuss over him than they 
could help. But the people couldn't be stopped. 
When the war ended, Herb was easily the most pop- 
ular man in the United States; in fact, the only 
popular man. Naturally enough, a presidential 
boom started for him, an' spreadin' with the sweep 

U. H.— 3 



66 UNCLE HENRY 

of a prairie fire, soon penetrated to every corner of 
the Food Administration buildin*. Unlike Mitchell 
Palmer's boom, which began an' ended in Mitchell's 
office. Herb's kept goin'. The New York 'World' 
considered his claims carefully, an', after hearin' 
from every ouija board in the editorial department, 
came out in a demand that the Democrats nominate 
Herb. 

**Even while the leaders hesitated, word came that 
Bryan was jes' turnin' the corner. Panic stricken, 
they threw the nomination in Herb's lap an' de- 
manded instant acceptance. 

" *I don't know how to thank you for the honor,' 
says Herb, keepin' one hand on the nomination, care- 
less like, an' usin' the other to push aside the curtain 
so's he could look down the street in the direction of 
Republican headquarters, *but at this time,' he says, 
*when most anything's liable to happen,' he says, 
*I would be less than true to myself if I didn't con- 
fess that I'm a man who puts principles above party. 
Principles never betray you,* he says, *not if you 
change 'em often enough. I'll not declare what I 
am at the present moment,' he says, *but now that 
you know the way, drop in any time,' he says. 

"I want to tell you that the Republicans were 
some embarrassed. Harding had been agreed on 
long before, but the boys had had eight mighty lean 
years, an' it was bein' planned to let the other 



DEHOOVERING HERBERT 67 

entries do a little helpful spendin* before puttin' 
Warren over. So you can see that Herb was sure 
some monkey wrench in the machinery. There he 
stood, independent as a hog on ice. If they didn't 
take him, the Democrats would, an' his election was 
a cinch. All he had to do was to say nothin' an' 
look noble. 

"In sheer desperation, more'n anything else, the 
Old Guard sent for the green goods squad. One was 
jes' back from sellin' a big order of linen dusters 
to the Iceland Government, an' the other two were 
completin' the sale of the the Metropolitan Art 
Museum to a group of Indiana bankers. All three 
could run over the keyboard of a piano with wooden 
shoes on an' never make a sound. 

"I've been in politics all my life," Uncle Henry 
continued after a thoughtful pause, "commencin' 
with the precinct an' endin' with the national, an' 
in my time I've seen almost everything stuffed — 
ballot boxes, candidates, an' people — but from now 
to eternity there'll never be anything like the stuffin' 
of Herb. I wouldn't have believed it. Why, darn 
it, the man had the presidency in his pocket with a 
safety pin run through it. I don't suppose we ever 
will really know what happened between Herb an' 
the Old Guard experts. While Herb's got back most 
of his inlays, they tell me there's a lot of his bridge 
work that's missin' to this very day. Accordin' to 



68 UNCLE HENRY 

the story I heard, they started off by urgin* him to 
put all Democratic nonsense out of his head. *Even 
if you won, you'd have a Republican Congress,' they 
said. *The thing to do is to take the nomination 
from; us, insurin' harmony and accomplishment. 
The question of a platform needn't bother. It never 
has. Write your own, my boy. All you want. The 
more the merrier.' 

"They showed him the nomination, let him hold 
it in his hand, an' even told him he could keep it. 
Placin' it in a small black leather bag, they locked 
it right before his eyes, an' helped him put it away 
in the safe. Jes' as they were leavin', an' obviously 
as a mere afterthought, they brought up the ques- 
tion of Herb's politics. A triviality, to be sure. It 
really made 'em feel foolish to mention it. But the 
boys didn't like Herb's independent stuff. After 
you've beaten organization into a bunch for fifty 
years, you can't turn around overnight an' tell 'em 
it's a bad thing. 

" What we want you to do,' they said, *is to come 
right out an' say you're one of us ; that you belong 
to the party of Lincoln, and that whether in Russia, 
China, Borneo, or Kansas, you always voted the 
straight Republican ticket.' 

**An' Herb falls. *I'm a Republican,' says he, *an' 
always have been. As for the villainous charge that 
I was once a Democrat, it must have been started 



DEHOOVERING HERBERT 69 

by some one who saw me when I was gettin' over 
an attack of typhoid/ 

"A few days later the Old Guard called again. 
Another little thing had occurred to 'em. 'The Dem- 
ocrats hold their convention after us/ they ex- 
plained, 'an' some malignant wretches have started 
the gossip that you'll take the Democratic nomina- 
tion if you don't get ours.' 

"So the next day Herb comes out with another 
statement in which he gives his full name as Herbert 
Glue Hoover. He's a boy that sticks. Not the kind 
that's here one minute and there the next. No, 
siree! Put him down an' before you can say Jack 
Robinson he's sunk six tap roots an' has laterals 
branchin' out for a full fifty feet on every side. 

" *Not only am I a Republican,' says Herb, *but 
live or die, sink or swim, in jail or out, I'll stay one. 
No bolting for me.' 

"As a result of this announcement, the Old Guard 
reported that the boys had reached the stage of 
hysteria. Everything over but the shoutin'. It was 
really time for Herb to commence work on his speech 
of acceptance. An' where was his Prince Albert? 
But just a moment. Another detail. Really a trifle, 
but still possessin' a certain importance. Some of 
Herb's supporters were regrettably loose of tongue, 
an' had been heard to speak roughly of various party 
leaders. Surely Herb remembered the unfortunate 



70 UNCLE HENRY 

occurrences of 1912, when harsh language worked 
irreparable woe. Burstin' into tears, Herb sends 
for his people, an' warns 'em against givin' ammuni- 
tion to the enemy. 'Boost!' he begs. 'Don't knock !' 

"Well, sir, you've got to admit it was some job! 
You could walk all around Herb, under him an' 
over him, an' you couldn't find an inch that wasn't 
covered by good, stout clothesline, all tied hard an' 
fast in knots that even Houdini himself couldn't 
have budged. He was a Republican, he wouldn't 
bolt, an' he wouldn't criticize. An' all the time poor 
old Herb was huggin' the black bag with the nomi- 
nation in it. He never did get wise until he opened 
it at the convention, an' saw the two soiled paper 
collars in it. The old green-goods switch! 

"After Warren's election, as per schedule, the Old 
Guard thought of Herb again. It looked like a good 
idea to keep him under observation for a while; 
anyway, he'd be company for Laddie Boy. So the 
Three Statesmen went back, an' after a lot of work 
got Herb so he quit askin' if anybody had been 
saved. 

" 'We're still puzzled/ they said. 'We simply can't 
understand it. The delegates just got the bit in their 
teeth an' ran away with the leaders. Ah, well, in 
a democracy anything may be expected. But what 
does the individual matter? It is America that calls. 
Warren wants you. He needs your aid and inspira- 



DEHOOVERING HERBERT 71 

tion. It is the Secretaryship of Commerce that he 
offers. Now wait a minute! We know what you're 
going to say, an' you're wrong. It's one of those 
positions that's as big as the holder wants to make 
it. There's no Hmit to its possibilities. World recon- 
struction,' they crooned, passin' their hands rapidly 
over Herb's face. 'World commerce ! World glory !' 
Inside of ten minutes they were able to stick pins 
in him an' break rocks on his chest. 

"Poor old Herb! It took him all of a month to 
find out that the Department of Commerce is where 
the Government keeps its sense of humor. 

"Aside from lookin' after the lighthouses, popular- 
izin' shark meat as a food, an' teachin' the Pribilof 
Island seals to bounce rubber balls, there wasn't 
another thing that the Constitution permits Herb 
to do. Nine men out of ten would have walked right 
into the morgue an' made Cal Coolidge move over, 
but not Herb ! No matter whether you like him or 
not, you've got to admire him. Colonel House is 
makin' no braver, finer fight against catalepsy. 
Herb's buildin' up as fine a stock of opinions as ever 
graced a counter, an' people are commencin' to un- 
derstand that it's no trouble for him to show goods. 
At one time or another he's settled most every prob- 
lem that's vexed humanity — 'Shellac Varnish as a 
Beverage,' 'Are Women's Clothes Coming Down?' 
'Baldness—Fault or Misfortune,' What Would 



72 UNCLE HENRY 

Abraham Lincoln Do?' *How to Tell the Stars/ etc. 
No subject's safe from him. 

"To be sure, the President's been mighty nice to 
him, helpin' Herb in every way he could. There's 
the unemployment situation he's given him to settle, 
also Russia. An' when he gets through with them, 
I hear Warren's goin' to hand him the Ulster boun- 
dary, the soldiers' bonus, the servant-girl problem, 
the wage-reduction question, prohibition enforce- 
ment, an' the celebrated Billy Patterson case." 

"Don't you think Hoover is too big for his job?" 
asked the Cub Reporter. 

"Not if he's really big," answered Uncle Henry. 
"The beauty about an American job is that it isn't 
cast, but hand-forged." 



MILLIONAIRES' SONS 

"TXT ELL, I see where another millionaire's son 
VV has been indulgin' in the practices peculiar 
to his sect," remarked Uncle Henry as he pulled up 
a chair for the Cub Reporter. "I only saw the head- 
lines, but it's something to do with a workin' girl. 
Whether he married her or ran over her, whether 
she was in his car or under it, I don't know. Any- 
way, it doesn't matter much. The important thing 
is that he's a millionaire's son. 

"No wonder you've got a happy light in your eyes. 
What with Hollywood committin' nothin' worse than 
its usual pictures, these last few uneventful weeks 
must have been a terrible strain on you newspaper 
people. But everything's all right now. I'm willin' 
to bet when you get back to the office you'll find all 
the old cheerfulness restored, while from the cages 
of the editorial writers will float a merry song as the 
wise graybeards of twenty-four commence quiverin' 
with indignation over the failure of the American 
parent. It may be hard for a rich man to break into 
heaven, but the front page is certainly easy for him. 
"Well, sir, I used to think society divorces made 
the best readin', but I've changed over in favor of 

73 



74 UNCLE HENRY 

these millionaire-son cases. Not only do they give 
you your scandal, but you also get a wonderful 
chance to wag your head an' wall your eyes. They 
can talk to me all they want about pleasure, an' 
IVe had more than a speakin' acquaintance with 
many brands, but I want to say there's no enjoyment 
like a good long lick at your moral chops. We're 
a nervous people, so the doctors tell us, but when 
it comes to sittin' in judgment we can hold our posi- 
tion for hours an' never even ask for a head rest. 

"Particularly with respect to wealth. From the 
way a crowd laughs whenever a millionaire ventures 
upon the slightest witticism, you might think we 
loved the rich. But, even while mirth is givin* an 
imitation of hysteria, every man of the lot is think- 
in' to himself that there's something wrong when 
a boob like that can make money while an intellec- 
tual giant, not mentionin' any names, has a hard job 
keep in' one jump ahead of the sheriff. We're always 
layin' for the malefactors of great wealth, an' while 
it's true we don't get much chance at the crafty 
wretches themselves, the sons are always good 
huntin'. 

"Poor devils!" Uncle Henry sighed sincerely. 
"Jes' between you an' me — ^though I'll deny it if the 
charge is ever made — ^the average millionaire's 
youngster gets about as much chance for his white 
alley as a Democrat in Maine. It's not only that the 



MILLIONAIRES' SONS 75 

eyes of the press are upon him always, hopefully, 
expectantly, so that he's afraid to take a bath with 
the lights on, but his own parents rarely fail to play 
leadin' parts in the conspiracy against him. 

"Out in the town where I grew up,' ' he continued 
irrelevantly, a habit that never failed to disconcert 
the Cub Reporter, "a Miz' Simmons lived down at 
the end of our street. Dyin' was about the only 
favor her husband had ever done her, an' a son was 
the only contribution he'd made to her support. The 
town's a city now, with as fine a lot of social dis- 
tinctions as any Eastern community can boast; but 
in those days we were a benighted lot, an' Miz' Sim- 
mons belonged to the Modern Priscillas along with 
everybody else, an' Abner, the boy, played with the 
rest of us when he had any chance to play. This 
wasn't much, for in the summer there were berries 
to pick an' sidewalks to clean in the winter, an' 
papers to carry an' milk to deliver all the year round. 

"We'd *oo-hoo' him when we went swimmin' or 
skatin', an' now an' then he'd come out to watch us 
start, but mostly he didn't have the time even for 
that. He wore our old clothes, an' as we got 'em sec- 
ond-hand ourselves, they looked like fish nets when 
they reached Abner, contributin' in no small degree 
to our childish pleasures. There were no compulsory- 
education laws in those days, for a tyrannical gov- 
ernment hadn't yet commenced to lay hands on our 



76 UNCLE HENRY 

personal liberty, so Abner's right to remain igno- 
rant was never interfered with. He couldn't even 
cut his initials on a tree. 

"Miz' Simmons died when Abner was fourteen or 
so, an* he went to work on the trains as a news- 
boy. We didn't hear anything of him for years, 
an' then one day the news came that he'd struck 
it rich out in the minin' country. Goin' over the 
mountains, he'd had the rare intelligence to hitch 
his mule to the right tree, an' while he was plan- 
nin' an assault on his appetite with a piece of sour 
bread an' a bit of bacon rind, the faithful animal 
pawed a hole in the snow an' laid bare a bunch of 
nuggets. Of course a lot of socialists said the gold 
belonged to the mule, but there was nothin' acci- 
dental about Abner's progress after that. If I told 
you his right name, you'd know he was the man that 
took Trust out of the dictionary an' put it in the 
criminal code. A prudent man too, watchin' his pen- 
nies an' puttin' no faith in that old talk about dol- 
lars bein' able to take care of themselves. After a 
time, when he'd got his chattel mortgages trained 
so that they foreclosed of their own accord, he re- 
turned to the town of his birth. You don't get the 
real good of money until you go back with it to the 
place where you were poor. 

"Along with his chaperoned shekels, Abner 
brought a little boy an' a wife that he'd been care- 



MILLIONAIRES' SONS 77 

less enough to accumulate before accumulating his 
fortune. Funny, isn't it, how hardship takes the 
rough edges off a man an' puts them on a woman. 
Boxin' gloves were the one kind she could wear with 
comfort, an' nitroglycerin was the only soothin' lo- 
tion that would have done her face any good. But 
I'll say this for Abner, he never tried to trade her in. 

"Right off the reel Abner built a house that was 
the finest example of the Rutherford B. Hayes school 
in that whole section. The only tools used on it were 
scroll saws. It fairly oozed nonusable balconies an' 
turrets an' cupolas, an' a regular litter of cast-iron 
dogs romped over the yard in friendly association 
with some stags at bay. Ah, me, those dear old 
days when you bought your art by the pound an' 
knew exactly what you were gettin' ! 

"Orville, the son an' heir, was about six years old 
when he first maimed our vision. He came to us in 
curls an' a velvet suit of the style made notorious by 
Little Lord Fauntleroy, an' each year added to his 
clothes an' took from his manners. You wouldn't 
think grown people would mind the comments of a 
child, but that brat had an almost uncanny knack 
of pickin' out adult weaknesses. To this day I can't 
put on a Prince Albert without hearin' Orville's 
derisive cackle, an' after a few experiences with 
him, young Doc Whitcomb sacrificed a set of chin 
whiskers that he'd been years in growin'. 



78 UNCLE HENRY 

''Spoiled ! Say, that kid was plum rancid. There 
wasn't anything his father didn't give him. He had 
the first bicycle, the first Shetland pony, an' the first 
Flobert rifle, an' if they didn't let him be captain 
he'd take his ball an' bat an' go home. As a boy, his 
father gave anxious hours to the expenditure of a 
penny, rubbin' his nose up an' down the show case, 
feverishly undecided whether to invest in something 
that tasted good or something that lasted. But 
Orville thought nothing of tossin' a dollar on the 
counter, although he made his friends eat a lot of 
dirt before he let 'em eat his candy. I don't know 
of anything more unprofitable than pointin' out the 
faults of children to their parents, but once I did 
get up courage to intimate to Abner that a little 
bringin' up by hand wouldn't hurt Orville. 

" *I know you mean right, Henry,' he said, *but 
you don't understand. Until I made my strike I 
never had a day that wasn't bitter in my mouth. 
You remember how it was when / was a boy? The 
cast-oflF clothes? Never any time for play? Never 
havin' anything other boys had? Well, Orville's 
goin' to have everjiihing I didn't have. He's my 
luxury. Wliat's money if it isn't for that?' 

"What was there to say? If a man can't see with 
his own eyes, you can't see for him. W^ell, after 
Or\alle had got through high school, by special an' 
unanimous request, Abner managed to get him in 



MILLIONAIRES' SONS 79 

one of the swell Eastern colleges. He took pains to 
find out what was the biggest allowance received 
by any boy, an' topped it by a large margin. No- 
body was goin' to look down on Orville, not if he 
knew it. From the news that drifted back from 
time to time, we gathered that Orville had gone to 
work on the night shift, but as this kept him out of 
sight of the professors, everybody was pleased. 
After three months the little college town actually 
regarded him as an asset, an' figured on his fines as 
fixed income in plannin' local improvements. 

"Of course he got over to New York now an' then 
an' lived up to the highest academic traditions by 
tryin' to whip a waiter. An' he wrote the usual 
number of letters to the usual chorus girl, for which 
she soaked Abner the usual price. Not anything 
bad, an' nothing that would have merited notice if it 
hadn't been for Abner's money, I don't know what 
the last straw was that broke his alma mater's back, 
for the president didn't go into details in his letter. 
He merely said that acquaintance with Orville had 
been interestin' an' educational, an' that if he ever 
mounted to the higher place for which the whole 
faculty felt that he was destined, he would ap- 
preciate the favor of a ticket to the hangin'. 

"For a while Orville was utterly disconsolate at 
havin' his lot cast among rubes, as he delicately 
phrased it, but as time went on he managed to 



80 UNCLE HENRY 

achieve a certain tolerance for his environment, de- 
velopin' various saloons into cultural centers an' 
buildin' up a night life that had real urban values. 
It v^as an almost unanimous conviction among us 
fathers that he should have been put to work, for 
his example wasn't breedin' industry in any of our 
boys, but Abner wouldn't hear of it. 

" *I've done enough work for both of us,* he said. 
'I never had any youth myself, an' Orville's bein' 
young for two.' 

"Orville certainly appreciated his responsibility. 
Mornin's found him somewhat tired, but as evenin' 
came on he took up the burden manfully, an' mid- 
night found him goin' strong. He had the first 
automobile that came to town, an' for a while all of 
us had high hopes, but Orville fooled us by learnin* 
to run the crazy thing like a born mechanic. 

"Things rocked along this way until a couple of 
old school friends came out to visit Orville. Right 
from the start it was plain to be seen that his 
parents were a sore trial to the young host. Abner's 
grammar bagged at the knees, an' his table manners 
generally needed pressin', while as for Miz' Sim- 
mons, she was practically a total loss. Well, Abner 
happened to come downstairs one evenin' when 
Orville was explainin' Eastern standards to his 
mother, an' goin' over her various lacks in a frankly 
critical manner. I never did learn exactly what 



MILLIONAIRES' SONS 81 

happened, but the royal visitors left next mornin', 
an' a few days later, still wearin* a slight limp, 
Orville punched a brand-new time clock in a lum- 
ber yard his father owned. Society knew him no 
more, for after doin' the bunny hug with planks all 
day you're kind of fed up on dancin' when evenin' 
comes. Anyway $4 a week isn't what you'd call a 
sociable salary. 

"I was in Washington after that for about a year, 
an' it was some time after my return before I met 
Orville. He was swingin' up the street behind a 
man-sized jaw, an' when he shook my hand I 
thought I'd lost the use of it. He told me he'd left 
his father's employment some weeks before — not 
that dad wasn't a fine old boy, but you know how it 
is — and was now superintendent of another yard. 

" 'But there's nothing in workin' for somebody 
else,' he confided to me at the last. 'I've got my 
eye on a dandy little lumber concern, ah' as soon as 
I close in on enough dough to make a first payment, 
you'll see me in business for myself.' 

"No," said Uncle Henry, "God never meant sons 
to be considered as luxuries. If He had, the poor 
wouldn't have any." 



THE TROUBLE WITH CONGRESS 

''T DON'T know what's come over Congress lately/* 
■*■ irritatedly remarked Barney, the cigar-stand 
man. "What's the matter with 'em, anyway?" 

"Everything but laryngitis," sighed Uncle Henry. 
"For months the poor creatures have been out of 
their heads, knowin' nothing of what's goin' on 
around 'em, babblin' feverishly an' pickin' at things 
until they'll never get well. The best veterinary 
surgeons in the country have confessed failure, an' 
while chiropractics are still workin' away, they've 
admitted privately that there's too much bone for 
'em. Word's been sent to all the relatives an' friends 
— maybe it was jes' relatives — but still the sufferers 
hang on. It's the lingerin' nature of the illness 
that's so terrible." 

"I'm serious," insisted Barney. 

"So am I," said Uncle Henry. "So's everybody 
else. It's no longer a laughin' matter. I can re- 
member the days when the mere mention of Con- 
gress would bring a smile to the lips of the glum- 
mest, while, as for the gay an' light-hearted, their 
mirth was uproarious. But that's long ago. It's 
been months since anybody saw anything funny in 

83 



84 UNCLE HENRY 

Congress. Laughter has been pulled without the 
aid of anesthetics, an' sorrow reigns. What is it the 
poet says ? 

Woe awaits a country when 

She sees the tears of bearded men. 

"Nor can it be called a silent grief. Up from the 
nation comes a steady bellowin' that makes the 
horned herds of Bashan sound like honey drip. 
Maybe that's the matter ^vith Congress. There's so 
much noise they can't hear themselves think. Cer- 
tainly nobody else can. All the important business 
of life is bein' seriously affected. Captains of in- 
dustry have lost the use of their wooden clubs en- 
tirely an' employ a niblick on every tee, while the 
openin' of the ball season found less than ten 
thousand people outside when they shut the gates 
an hour before the game. 

"Go where you will — keep your ears akimbo from 
morn till night — an' you can't hear anybody say a 
good word for 'em. If it keeps up the august body 
is going to rank with the grippe an' flu, an' 'Have 
you had Congress yet?' is goin' to be a common in- 
quiry. A lot of cities are talkin' about quarantinin' 
against Washington. 

"Of course there's a lot of hope runnin' round 
loose. Thirty-four senators an' four hundred an' 
thirty-five representatives come up for election this 
fall, an' the optimists — those hardy perennials — are 



THE TROUBLE WITH CONGRESS 85 

keepin' their feet on the gas as they talk about the 
great changes that are goin' to be made. Well, in 
the first place, the senators aren't any of our con- 
cern. They pay as they enter. In the second place, 
before any changes can be worked in the average 
of the four hundred an' thirty-five congressmen, 
you've got to tear the American people up by the 
roots an' plant 'em over again. We may be a care- 
less race about many things, my boy, but in the im- 
portant matter of insurin' the absolute inefficiency 
of Congress, we have spared neither time nor 
thought. Yes, sir, I've been through the mill, an' I 
want to tell you the Hindenburg Line was as full of 
holes as a player-piano record compared to the forti- 
fications that guard Congress against the approach 
of an intelligent man. If one does manage to get in, 
it's because he hid his ideas in the cellar an' bor- 
rowed some adenoids for campaign use. 

" *Votin' the Ticket Straight' is a prize barrier, 
bein' even less of a mental strain on the voter than 
it is on the candidate. It gives thousands of Ameri- 
cans a chance to make their mark. Then there's the 
'Me Too' system, or 'Chip of the Old Block Head' 
method. A sort of inheritance tax on intelligence: 
young men walkin' up on the twenty-first birthday 
an' havin' the paternal politics taken out of the safe 
an' handed to 'em. Both sound systems an' practi- 
cally foolproof. Even the most harum-scarum can 



86 UNCLE HENRY 

be allowed to handle 'em without the slightest fear 
of accident. 

"Of course certain sections have worked out in- 
ventions an' improvements of their own. Down 
South an* up in New England, for instance, they've 
evolved a thought-savin' device that comes darned 
near bein' automatic. Before a candidate is allowed 
to declare himself, he's got to make oath that the 
one burnin' issue is the Civil War, an' '61 is the 
closest that he can come to present times. News 
of Appomattox hasn't reached those parts yet, an' 
f eelin' still runs high. The only fly in the ointment 
is the well-known carelessness of printers. Once 
in Maine the Eagle an' the Rooster got reversed on 
the ballot, an' a Republican stronghold elected an 
entire Democratic ticket. 

"The rest of the country, however, doesn't have 
it so easy. West of the Mississippi the Berlin-Tilzer 
test is generally used, an' it calls for a lot of work 
an' some mighty nice discrimination. There's no 
hope for a candidate for Congress if he can't make 
a speech that people can dance to. He's got to have 
endurance as well, keepin' it up for two hours at a 
stretch without changin' the needle an' takin' care 
to let nothing sensible creep in. I've seen an idea 
no bigger than a mustard seed throw a whole crowd 
out of step. The orator that's got the best rhythm 
is the boy that wins. It saves graphophones an' has 



THE TROUBLE WITH CONGRESS 87 

the added merit of keepin' the electorate on its toes. 
Moreover, it certainly accomplishes its purpose as a 
bar to intelligence, for, although I know your pas- 
sion for music, I think you've got to agree with me 
that the best brains don't have player-piano attach- 
ments. 

"You can tell that election time is near at hand, 
for the boys are stringin' up already, an' Washing- 
ton's like some vast orchestra pit. Yesterday I 
dropped in at the house of a young congressman 
who's goin' back home to start his campaign, an' 
found him hummin' over a few speeches. Naturally 
enough, after two years of silence, he was afraid 
of startin' right in on his high notes. I didn't care 
much for some of the verses, but he had as nice a 
chorus as I ever heard — somethin' about this fair 
land of ours where there's snow enough for courage 
an' sunshine enough for song. 

"I've heard 'em all in my time, but I want to tell 
you again that Bill Bryan was the Anglo-Saxophone 
that could make your feet itch. Joe Bailey was good 
on the hoedowns, Beveridge has no equal when it 
comes to parlor music, an' Jim Reed is as good as 
any tuba you ever listened to; but for all-round 
work there never was anybody like old W. J. B. 
He could triple-tongue until the cows came home. 
At that, I wasn't so bad myself. I used to have a 
little waltz movement that started in with 'when the 



88 UNCLE HENRY 

mornin* stars sang in their glory/ an' rippled on 
down through *bosky dells* an' 'American queens,' 
endin' at last in a patriotic medley that didn't leave 
an idle foot in the house. Lord, Barney, sometimes 
I think I've got a tune in me yet. 

"Efficacious as this 'Say-it-with-Mush* plan 
proved, I always thought the best of 'em all was the 
County Directory method, or, more colloquially, the 
*You-don't-remember-me' test. From the time a 
candidate went into a district until he went out, a 
steady stream of people flowed by him, each demand- 
in' instant an' exact identification. Men first, 
then the women and children, an* finally houn' 
dawgs, an' the candidate that remembered the most 
of 'em got the nomination. Talk about torture, I've 
seen strong men crack under the strain an' gibber 
like maniacs. 

"Once, when I was runnin' for reelection, a full 
set of whiskers came up to me an' said: 'Howdy.' 
I knew a man was behind 'em, for I could see his 
ears wigglin', but for the life of me I couldn't place 
him. The race was awful close, for I'd missed out 
on three babies an' a setter pup that mornin', so I 
braced as hard as I could an' tried to bluff it out. 

" 'Well, well, I certainly am glad to see you,' I 
said, givin' him my richest stomach tones; 'you're 
certainly a sight for sore eyes.' 

" 'Bet you don't remember me,' he rasped. 



THE TROUBLE WITH CONGRESS 89 

" 'Hah-hah-hah !' I let my hearty laugh have full 
play again, but in spite of every effort I knew it 
didn't have the right ring. 'Not remember you? 
The very idea ! Well, I do hope we'll see a lot of each 
other before I go back to Washington/ 

" *You don't know me at all/ he insisted stub- 
bornly. 

" 'Not know you?' I turned loose another burst of 
desperate laughter. *Why, you might as well say I'd 
forgotten my own brother.' 

" 'All right, then,' he said. * What's my name?' 

"For a full ten minutes I stood there, sweatin' 
my life away, now takin' off his hat, now lookin' at 
him from the north, now tryin' the southern ex- 
posure, an' all the while tryin' to pass it off as one 
of those inexplicable absurdities that sometimes 
creep into the most orderly lives. At last, however, 
I had to give up an' admit that I didn't remember 
him. He was too put out to talk much, but before 
takin' his insultin' departure, it developed that he 
was the man in the gray hat that stood over by the 
pump when I'd made a speech at the Oakridge 
schoolhouse three years before. After the hyena 
left me, he moved down the corridor an' started the 
same performance with old Bud Peasley, who'd told 
me jes' a few minutes before that he'd quit politics 
for good, havin' finally qualified for a job as rail- 
road lobbyist. 



90 UNCLE HENRY 

" *Howdy, judge?' he chirped. 

" *Howdy?' said Bud, keepin' his hands in his 
pockets. 

" 'Don't remember me, do you V 

" *Why should I?' snarled Bud. 'In this country 
there are about one million speckled faces like yours. 
Name one single thing that would enable any intelli- 
gent man to bear you in mind for more than a 
minute even if he wanted to.' 

"I didn't say anything, for my throat was too 
choked. I jes' walked over to Bud, put my head on 
his shoulder an' sobbed out my gratitude like any 
child. 

"Fine an' effective as these tests are, don't think 
for a minute that that's the end of effort. Notwith- 
standin' all the various schemes an' systems, an' the 
never-sleepin' vigilance of the great American 
people, it's still the case that a lot of really able, in- 
telligent men manage to slip into Congress by some 
hook or crook. No tellin' what they might do if you 
left 'em alone, so you can see for yourself the neces- 
sity of hogtyin' 'em so that the high average of 
defectiveness Won't be dragged down. We've at- 
tended to that by fixin' the terms of representatives 
at two years. No sooner are the poor devils elected 
than they've got to begin runnin' again, a bitter 
necessity that leaves little time for anything else. 
The first step in a campaign for renomination, as a 



THE TROUBLE WITH CONGRESS 91 



matter of course, is gettin' jobs for every con- 
stituent, an' never think this doesn't call for sweat. 

" *Men put in ! Men put in !' From dawn to dusk 
you can hear their mournful cry ringin' through the 
corridors of the Government buildin's. An* when 
business has been bad, an' they haven't had a single 
job, you can see 'em hangin' around the corners after 
dark, plum' afraid to go home. 

"It's not only jobs, but, worse an' more of it, 
there's pork! America's Favorite Food! Gettin' a 
million-dollar post office for a town of 2,000 people 
is quite a task, an' it takes a lot of time to swing the 
trade that will secure an appropriation to widen an' 
deepen Hoot Owl Creek so it can take its proper 
place among the navigable streams of the world. On 
top of it all, the trains keep comin' in bearin' con- 
stituents who can hardly wait to see the Monument 
an' be taken out to Mount Vernon. That ain't the 
half of it, but it's enough. When you come right 
down to it, that famous one-armed scratchin' paper 
hanger is jes' about as idle as a congressman, an' 
has much the same amount of time to give to public 
questions." 

"Maybe we ought to elect 'em for longer terms," 
observed Barney. 

"Or else furnish each voter with a graphophone 
of his own," said Uncle Henry. 



KNEE-LENGTH DRAMAS 

"T WENT to the theatre when I was in New York 
■*- last week," casually remarked Uncle Henry 
after purchasing his fine cut. 

"Was it a good show?" interestedly inquired 
Barney, the cigar-stand man. 

"Did you ever hear of a visitor in New York takin' 
in a good show?' ' Uncle Henry's tone was chill with 
reproof. "What do you think a man leaves home 
an* family for? I might have missed this piece if 
some preacher hadn't come out the Sunday before 
an' condemned it in the highest terms. Some say 
he was a friend of the manager's ; anyway, it was all 
I could do to get a ticket. Tired business men, nobly 
conquering fatigue, put up a battle at the door that 
scattered toupees all over the place, an' the repre- 
sentative of a local antivice society had her mud 
guard torn off entirely. A typical New York audi- 
ence. When the orchestra played *My Old Kentucky 
Home' an' 'On the Banks of the Wabash Far Away,' 
the whole house stood up. The man in the next seat 
was an inmate of Akron, an' wanted me to under- 
stand that he was only there because he had a 
nephew, and it was next to impossible to advise the 

93 



94 UNCLE HENRY 

young properly unless you knew life in all of its 
phases. I saw his nephew, an' went him one better 
with two nieces. 

"I didn't get the plot exactly — there was some 
noise at the back that made me miss several lines 
— ^but it was somethin' about the sex problem. A sort 
of Margaret Sangerfest. However, I don't want 
to give you the idea that the piece was all bad. The 
heroine, for instance, turned good at the last, an', 
desertin' the vice of Broadway, hurried back to the 
little country village an' put a weddin' ring on the 
trustful young hero that she'd jilted in the first act. 
Then one of the other girls, usin' local anesthetics 
entirely, extracted $10,000 from a wild millionaire 
who was celebratin' a corner in the marshmallow 
market; but, before the piece ended, it developed 
that her action was in no sense a pleasure, but a 
duty. She did it for a sick brother. I'll admit it 
was a lesson to me. Hereafter, when I see a thing 
like that, I'm not goin' to pass judgment until I've 
made the round of the hospitals. 

"An' I'd be a dog if I didn't praise a big motif — 
look the word up yourself — that the leadin' lady 
struck. Before she came on the stage, all ready for 
a chiropractic treatment, I thought I knew what 
faith was, but she carried me to heights I hadn't 
dreamed of. I've seen men risk everything on one 
suspender button^ an' there have been times when I 



KNEE-LENGTH DRAMAS 95 



myself have put no small dependence on a pin; but 
never in all my life have I seen such implicit confi- 
dence in a string of beads. Strong men stood up in 
their seats, an' the vice representatives shook so they 
could hardly adjust their telescopes; but through it 
all the little lady moved calm an' serene, clothed in 
her simple faith. Never again will I have a doubt, 
for I know now there's nothing you can't get away 
with if you've got the right sort of backbone." 

"Something ought to be done about these dirty 
plays," rumbled Barney when convinced that there 
were no further details to be had. "Demoralizing 
the youth of the country, that's what they're doing. 
I'm about beginning to believe this here movie cen- 
sorship ought to be spread out to take in everything." 

"Now you're talkin' !" Uncle Henry exclaimed en- 
thusiastically. "It isn't only the young that have 
got to be protected, but all of us. Nobody's safe. 
Vice is all around us. I don't ask you to take my 
word for it. Read the reports these reform societies 
send out. Lord, when you begin to realize all the 
dangers that purity is called upon to run in the 
course of a day, you're almost ready to take yours off 
an' put it in a safe-deposit box. An' jes' look at the 
stupid, inefficient way we're meetin' the dread 
menace! Only movie censorships in a few States, 
only a reform organization here an' there, an' only 
a few post-office inspectors at Washington to handle 



96 UNCLE HENRY 

the thousands an' thousands of books published 
every year. I figured the other day that, even if 
they worked on a ten-hour schedule, they'd only have 
one minute to a volume. Now you know yourself, 
Barney, that ain't time enough for an effective smell. 

"More men an' better methods! We've got a 
leisure class of from three to five millions. Put 'em 
to work, say I. But it's not enough to put a skirt 
measurer on every stage an' inspectors in the home 
of each movie star until every closet is crowded. 
We've got to get at the source! Why wait until the 
lewd play or novel is written? What we ought to do 
is to put a copper right at the elbow of every author: 
an' dramatist an' editor. Artists too! Make 'em 
tell what they're thinkin'! Smash the wicked 
thought before it can reach the customers. 

"Stronger penalties too! Whenever a man goes 
into court an' says: 'Judge, such an' such a play 
aroused such an' such f eelin's in me, ' there oughtn't 
to be any foolin' around with trials an' juries. That 
dramatist ought to be shot at once, or burned in oil, 
if it isn't too high. 

"It isn't only that we've got to get more censors, 
but better ones as well. Vice is as sly as they make 
'em. It never looks the same two days hand 
runnin*, an' changes about from place to place until 
you get dizzy followin' it. In my own time I've 
seen the darned creature slip right away from you 



KNEE-LENGTH DRAMAS 97 

when it didn't seem to have a chance of escape. For 
instance, there was the waltz, that arrived during 
my boyhood. We'd always had a sort of sus- 
picion of the lancers an* quadrille, an' even the 
Virginia reel, but when the waltz came in we 
felt sure we'd got Vice located an' surrounded at 
last. A sort of scorched smell came out of every 
ballroom, an' old Deacon Foster, who peeked through 
a window saw Vice with his own eyes, an' reported 
it as plum' rampant. Well, the ministers carried 
on at such a rate that vigilance committees were 
finally organized, an' one dark night we crept up 
on a place where waltzin' was bein' committed. We 
surrounded the buildin' so a mouse couldn't escape, 
but when we jumped in, there wasn't hide nor hair 
of Vice to be seen. Only a lot of nice young people 
pushin' each other around. Vice had gotten clean 
away. 

"Perhaps The Black Crook' was the best chance 
we ever had. Vice threw off all disguise an' ac- 
tually went ahead of the show as advance agent, 
strikin' shame an' anticipation to every heart. I 
can remember my father sayin' we'd never again be 
able to hold up our heads as a nation, an' that we 
might as well tell Europe to roll over an' make room 
for us in the Old World gutter. 

"Even now I blush when I think of it, but the 
sinful fact must be stated that the portly matrons 

U. H.— 4 



98 UNCLE HENRY 



who lumbered about the stage at odd moments wore 
tights. It don't seem much to you now, maybe, but 
jes' remember that up to that time public decency 
had managed to conceal the shameful fact that 
women have legs. Bein' a roue was so easy an' in- 
expensive a process that thousands of young men 
were lured to their ruin. All you had to do was to 
go to The Black Crook.' Jes' that, an' a clove now 
an' then took you out of the simple life an' made you 
a man about town. Full of confidence, we raided the 
theatre one night; but instead of catchin' Vice, all 
we found was a lot of natural-wool union suits. 

"The next thing we knew Vice was makin' open 
scandal with a hoochy-koochy dancer at the Chicago 
World's Fair — a big, billowy young Egyptian, all 
wrapped up like a sore thumb, except for the solar 
plexus, where the bandages had slipped, who went 
through a few elementary calisthenics whenever the 
crowd reached a point where newcomers had to be 
pushed in with a shoe horn. It was terrible. If 
Sodom an' Gomorrah couldn't get away with it, how 
could a frame-built burg like Chicago expect to 
escape? The preachers thundered again, an' the 
papers, eager to protect the home, ran columns each 
day, pointin' out new an' even more disgustin' de- 
tails of the repellent orgy that was causin' so many 
unthinkin' people to ignore the machinery exhibit 
an' the interestin' display of ores in the Mines 



KNEE-LENGTH DRAMAS 99 

i^— —— ——■———■■■— ■——■—— ^ ' — 

Buildin'. Again we thought we had Vice cornered, 
but when we dragged in our net there wasn't any- 
thing in it but a nice, hard-workin' fat girl from 
Ohio, who thought you spelled Egypt with a j. 
Vice had got away again. 

"That's why I say we've got to have better cen- 
sors. Vice isn't a Woolworth Tower, so that all 
you've got to do is raise your eyes an' say *Ah!' 
Catchin' it is a job that calls for an expert^ one 
that's known Vice for a good many years, an' is 
now willin' to turn state's evidence. Men an' women 
that Vice can't fool. Maybe we'll have to go to the 
penitentiaries for them, but what of it ? I'm sick to 
death of these amateurs like Crafts an' his crowd, 
who start off without any clues except that Vice was 
last seen wearin' ridin' breeches an' smokin' a 
cigarette. It's jes' as if you'd drop a village con- 
stable down in Broadway. He'd hand the victim an 
awful soak on the head an' send off the robbers for 
the patrol wagon. 

"The right sort of censor's also got to be up on 
morals until he can tell the vintage without lookin' 
at the bottle. They're almost as cunnin' as Vice 
when it comes to changes. One generation buys its 
morals with all sorts of guarantees against fadin', 
shrinkin', or runnin', an' by the time the new gen- 
eration comes along they're either ready for the rag 
bag or else out of style. There's also the question 



100 UNCLE HENRY 

of place to be considered. What's proper in New 
York an' San Francisco would bring out the entire 
police force in Bangor an' Tallahassee. Legs are 
immoral in the West, an* in the East it's ears. 
What bores Chicago shocks Boston. Boggs Center 
draws the line at ankles, an' Philadelphia at 
kneecaps. The country regards nine o'clock as the 
hour when all decent people ought to go to bed, an' 
the city regards it as the time when all decent 
people ought to get up. The standard theatres re- 
fuse to let an actress be kicked, even in a friendly 
manner, an' the burlesque houses prohibit the use 
of *damn.' 

"What with the thousand an' one different laws 
in each of the States, a railway journey is the most, 
immoral thing I know. I may start out a decent, 
respectable member of society, barrin' my terms in 
Congress, but I'm liable to be black with depravity 
by the time I reach Kansas, an' passin' through 
Texas, you'll likely find me hidin' under the seat an' 
bribin' the porter to push me food at the end of a 
stick. 

"No, sir, I don't know of anyj'ob that calls for 
more actual genius. As I've tried to explain, locatin' 
Vice, an' gettin' the goods on it, is difficult enough. 
But when you think of the way morals are cut up 
by state, municipal, an' township lines, an' that there 
are thousands of brands, each one of a different 



KNEE-LENGTH DRAMAS 101 

date, the task is absolutely staggerin'. An' even if 
we get the two or three million censors we need, so 
that there's one for everj^body, an' if they're suffi- 
ciently vicious themselves to know Vice, there'll 
always be a disturbin' thought." 

"What's that?" asked Barney in some alarm. 

"That the only kind of morals worth havin' are 
homemade," said Uncle Henry. 



THE HARDING HONEYMOON 

'^TTTELL/' said the Cub Reporter, pursing his 
VV Hps importantly. "From the way the Demo- 
crats talk, I'm very much afraid we're going to 
witness a revival of partisan feeling." 

"You don't mean to tell me!" exclaimed Uncle 
Henry, shaking his head regretfully. "Well, well, 
that's too bad. It'll certainly be a blow to the Presi- 
dent. I was talkin' with him the other day, an' I 
violate no confidence in tellin' you that there's noth- 
ing he would like more than for the Democrats to be 
big enough to jes' forget party as long as he's in 
office. If they commence to act mean, it's goin' to 
hurt him no little, for he's different from the others. 
Roosevelt didn't care what people said, an' Wilson 
never heard 'em ; but Warren's more like McKinley 
an' Taft. The old Ohio school. Picked for the 
presidency by birth, cottonwrapped from infancy, 
elocution the only exercise, an' never allowed to 
run the streets or take the usual precaution against 
cramps at the old swimmin' hole. No question 
that Foraker an' Hanna raised 'em properly, but 
you can see for yourself that there wasn't much 
chance to get any of the protective callus that's 

103 



104 UNCLE HENRY 

almost as helpful in public life as the statute of 
limitations. 

"Why, son, where the rude winds of the golf 
course haven't been permitted to touch, Warren's 
as soft an' pink as the day of his birth. Do you re- 
member that time durin' the campaign when some 
Baltimore blatherskite shot a question at him right 
in the middle of his speech? I was there an' saw 
it all. Warren went on bravely enough, givin' no 
sigh of pain, an' endin' with as fine a burst of hand- 
shakin' as I ever saw. Once outside, however, his 
collapse was pitiable. 'Hurry, boys,' he muttered, 
*I'm afraid he got me.' 

" Thank Heaven, a doctor was right in the hotel, 
an', after administration of a powerful heart stimu- 
lant, the clothes were cut away an' the wound laid 
bare. By one of those freaks of chance, the heckle 
had hit the family copy of Bartlett's Quotations that 
Warren always carries, but, even so, the tender flesh 
was bruised from neck to kneecaps. 

"What makes the situation worse is that I kinda 
have the notion that Warren's let himself be some- 
what enthused by his first year in the White House. 
You can't really blame him. From the days of the 
immortal George, the presidential honeymoon's been 
as much of an institution in politics as in matri- 
mony. In both cases the purpose is kindly, I reckon, 
springin' from the f eelin' that the victims deserve a 



THE HARDING HONEYMOON 105 

little pleasure before the truth is broken to 'em. 
Taft loved it to a point where you could hear his 
purrin' for miles, an' even Woodrow emitted mews 
of pure enjoyment durin' his first twelve months. 
All of 'em, as far back as I can remember, have 
taken the gladsome start-off as a sign of love an' 
popularity instead of realizin' that it's an ancient 
custom an' about as personal as the hearty break- 
fast they give a condemned man. When all is said 
an' done, it's a brutal institution, for the end catches 
the poor devils all unprepared, an' reality hits 'em 
with the soft impact of a ton of ice. History teaches 
'em nothin', for each one sort of gets the feelin' 
that he possesses those qualities that will keep love 
at fever heat. 

"It can't be done, personality or no personality. 
We talk a lot about baseball, but when you come 
right down to it, president baitin' is the real na- 
tional game. Ever since the time they banished 
old Aristides, because they got so sick an' tired of 
hearin' how just he was, good report has been first 
cousin to fatigue. Even the strongest of us break^ 
under the strain of hearin' anybody praised. Bein' 
a reporter, you ought to know that. Did you ever 
pick up a paper in your Hfe an' see a scarehead 
about the decent, creditable events in a man's life? 
An' even if this wasn't so, the Democrats couldn't 
reasonably expect to get themselves in, an' the 



106 UNCLE HENRY 

Republicans out, by singin': Tor he's a jolly good 
fellow/ 

"It's goin' to be harder on Warren than the others 
because his honeymoon has lasted longer. The Wil- 
son job, owin' to its enthusiasm an' thoroughness, 
was more than usually exhaustin', an' it's only now 
that the old American spirit is beginnin' to paw 
the ground an' look for red rags. For more than a 
year Warren has flitted from pleasure to pleasure — 
papers sayin' it with flowers, golf champions lettin' 
him beat 'em, music, cheerin' an' presents, the soft 
serenades of office seekers, an' the Mayflower always 
on hand to repair the ravages of mental effort like 
namin' Laddie Boy an' Doc Sawyer. When the 
change comes, an' criticism begins to hit that tender 
skin, he's goin' to give the world something new an' 
startlin' in the way of hives. An', from all the signs, 
it's goin' to begin mighty soon. 

"Between you an' me, I think the Four-Power 
Pact a tremendous contribution to world peace, but 
others regard it as a mustard plaster. It isn't 
enough for the folks who want a league of nations, 
an' it's too much for the sturdy old Plymouth 
Rockers who think that America isn't safe except 
in a prairie-dog hole. But even if Warren had a 
100 per cent record, there's the sad fact that Con- 
gress drags it down to something more like Vol- 
stead's famous percentage. 



THE HARDING HONEYMOON 107 

B— ■ B^in— I Wl m ilBIH ■■■i m i M IIIII I I M IIIIIIII WW II WH IIIIB U BII HIW IIIIII W I H I I i m illll l » I IW III H I M I' IHi« L WIMn a 

"Congress!" Uncle Henry flapped his hands de- 
jectedly. "Oh, my soul ! How Bryan can look at 'em 
an' keep on denyin' the Darwinian theory is more 
than I can make out. Time may heal the wound, 
but the scar's goin' to be with us always, a mute 
reminder of terrible sufferin'. Worst of all, nobody 
knows what to do about it. Some think the trouble's 
a form of whoopin' cough, an' others are firm in the 
opinion that Madame Montessori ought to take 'em 
in charge. 

"At that, things wouldn't be so bad if the darned 
fools hadn't promised so much. All through the 
campaign, when I heard the Republicans tellin' the 
assembled masters of the nation how they were goin' 
to reduce taxes an* restore prosperity, I had the 
f eelin' that trouble was goin' to come of it. Son, I've 
been in politics all my life, an' I want to tell you that 
a party courts disaster whenever it leaves the Glori- 
ous Past an' takes a chance on the Present. Abraham 
Lincoln an' Thomas Jefferson are about as close as 
you can come in safety. Ponzi would be rich an' 
respected to-day if he hadn't made the mistake of 
fixin' dates for repayment. But Congress is almost 
entirely made up of lawyers, an' they're so used to 
gettin' continuances I don't suppose it ever entered 
their minds that they'd have to come to a showdown. 

"Well, the showdown's come ! Instead of rampin' 
over South America huntin' for a plesiosaurus, those 



108 UNCLE HENRY 

scientists might have even more excitement stayin' 
right here in the United States searchin' for a man 
who's satisfied v^ith Congress. Three full years — 
for our Republican friends got control in November, 
1918, you remember — an' never a minute of the time 
when you could tell it from Old Home Week in a 
coconut grove. 

"Purely as a matter of tatics, I think the Demo- 
crats are foolish to start anything. If Thomas 
Jefferson was alive to-day, an' Andrew Jackson an' 
Grover Cleveland, not to mention Boss Tweed, they 
couldn't do any more for their party than Lodge an' 
Fordney an' Mondell an' Fess are doin' right now. 
Yes, sirree/ If Cordell Hull's got the sense I credit 
him with, he'll gag Bryan, chloroform Reed, lock 
Claude Kitchin in the cellar, an' let the Republican 
majority perform without interference or comment. 

"Don't imagine for a minute that the Best Minds 
aren't wise to the situation. Better than anybody 
else, they know what people are thinking of Con- 
gress — and Colonel Harvey — an' they've already 
written 'em off as total losses. The campaign now 
bein' laid out is goin' to be built up on one Warren 
Gamaliel Harding, an' never at any time is it goin' 
to get two inches away from him. Did you notice the 
statement that issued from the White House on 
March 4 ? None of your bombast about things done 
or undone, but merely simple announcement of the 



THE HARDING HONEYMOON 109 



fact that the President had shaken the hands of 150,- 
000 people durin' his first year of office. No tiresome 
an' unprofitable summin' up of achievements or em- 
barrassin' debate as to whether promises were kept, 
but a steady spotlight on Warm-hearted Warren, the 
Human President. *He opened the White House 
grounds.' There's a slogan for you. Basket parties 
welcome. A handshake for every citizen ! 

"Then there'll be movies of the Cabinet meetin's, 
showin* the happy family spirit. No goloshes, ear 
muffs, an' wristlets, but everything so warm an' 
human that they have to wear crash suits an' straw 
hats even in the dead of winter. At least a hun- 
dred feet of Secretary Hughes callin' at the White 
House. 

*' *Come in, Charlie, old hoss. Come right on in 
an' sit down. Take off your whiskers, or they won't 
do you any good when you go out.' An' then a fade- 
out an' a flash-back showin' Secretary Lansing, 
wearin' a baseball mask an' chest protector, leapin' 
out of Woodrow's office window about two inches 
ahead of the coal scuttle. 

"A full reel showin' the President leavin' an im- 
portant conference to meet the first white child born 
in Tulsa, or Jimmie Jones, the fourteen-year-old boy 
who grew roastin' ears in a window box. One 
thousand feet of the President pushin' away the in- 
vitations of the rich an' goin' out to play golf on the 



110 UNCLE HENRY 

municipal links with the plain people that are at 
once the strength an' pride of a democracy. 

"None of your granite stuff. No 'Come one, come 
all, this rock shall flee from its stern base as soon as 
me.' Positions an' principles changed every minute. 
Incessant variety. If you don't like the early- 
mornin' stand, come back for the matinee. If still 
dissatisfied, there's the nine o'clock show. 

"Call it hokum, if you want to, my boy, but it'll 
go big. A democracy may admire genius, but it's 
the good old average that the people like, especially 
in our high places. It lets you sit do^vn comfortably, 
loosen your vest, an' be reminded of the story that 
you got from a travelin' man. After ten minutes 
with Wilson, you began to think you had adenoids, 
but after an hour with Warren you have the vague, 
soothin' conviction that you could have been presi- 
dent yourself if you'd only given your mind to it. 
Genius makes us think, humanity lets us feel, an' 
I reckon I don't have to tell you that feelin' is a 
whole lot easier than thinkin'. Wilson wore us 
out; Warren rests us. We had to read Wilson's 
speeches two or three times before we got 'em; 
we can get Warren in the headlines. Yes, indeed! 
The Best Minds are on the job when they plan 
to ignore Congress, keep silent as to achievement, 
an' put entire emphasis on Warren's warm, pulsatin' 
humanity." 



THE HARDING HONEYMOON 111 

''Do you think they can get away with it?" in- 
terestedly asked the Cub Reporter. 

"When I was in London some years ago," Uncle 
Henry answered with seeming irrelevance, "I hap- 
pened to hear a coster praisin' his donkey to a group 
of friends. 

" 'Strong V he w^as demandin'. ^Strong ? Why, 
it's the strongest little moke y'ever see ! Th* strenth 
of a bloomin' Samson, s'elp me! Drored twelve of 
us to the Darby, 'e did. Yuss! to th' Darby! 
Strike me dead if 'e didn'. 0' course,' he admitted, 
*all of us 'ad to whip J " 



OVERMANUFAGTURE IN 
JUDGES 

"T'VE just come from the Senate," remarked the 
■■" Cub Reporter as he sank into a chair. 

"Live carefully, my boy, or you may go there," 
warned Uncle Henry. "An' what was goin' on in 
that august tribunal where the destinies of the 
nation are undecided? Was Lodge wantin' a tariff 
to protect the banana growers of New England ? Or 
maybe they were debatin' tremendous questions such 
as whether Eskimo pie comes under the Pure Food 
Act or the Bureau of Indian Affairs?" 

"No, they were debating a bill to create another 
bunch of Federal judges." 

"O my soul!" groaned Uncle Henry. "What on 
earth are we goin' to do with 'em? Already the 
congestion's somethin' awful. Right now they've 
got jurists sleepin' two in a bed at every seaside 
resort; they're standin' in line before the trout 
streams in Colorado an' California, waitin' for a 
turn, an' you can't slice a drive on any golf course 
in the country without runnin' the risk of bein' cited 
for contempt of some court that's sittin' on the next 
fairway. The only way out of it that I can see is 

113 



114 UNCLE HENRY 



for Judge Landis to put in extra grand stands with 
cot attachments. 

"State judges aren't so much trouble. They den 
up in winter, never appearin' until the first thaw, 
an' in summer almost any veranda will do for 'em if 
it's equipped with a hammock an' fly screens. But 
it's mighty different with those Federal boys. Ever 
since Congress passed a law givin' 'em an extra ten 
dollars a day whenever away from their o-wn dis- 
tricts, they've been about as stationary as the St. 
Vitus dance. 

"St. Louis, bein' a central point, has always been a 
sort of spring rendezvous for 'em, an' I used to watch 
the spectacle with a fascination that never palled. 

"Along about May you'd commence to see great 
dust clouds that obscured the sun, an' from every 
throat would burst a cry: *The judges are com- 
in'!' In they'd pour by the hundreds an' thousands 
until the roar of the human stream drowned out 
the majestic flow of the Father of Waters — from 
the granite ledges of New England, carryin' their 
crullers in shawl straps, up from the sun-swept 
reaches of the South, each with an extra shirt in 
his hand, down from the Dakotas an' the Minnesotas, 
over plain an' torrent from the Rockies an' the far 
Sierras, a mighty assemblage that made old-timers 
recall the days when the thunder of buffalo herds 
shook the prairies. 



OVERMANUFACTURE IN JUDGES 115 

*'At first you'd think it didn't have any more order 
to it than a Shrine convention, but after a while 
you'd see a well-oiled machinery commence the deli- 
cate work of distribution. The rheumatics moved 
off to the Hot Springs an' Mount Clemens dis- 
tricts, the hay-fever sufferers of the mountain 
an' plain changed places with military precision, 
an' the line for New York City always formed on 
the right. 

''Those that had never been in California raised 
their hands an' slips were provided for such as 
wanted to visit the Grand Canyon an' Yellowstone 
Park. With all that mass of detail you'd think mis- 
takes would be made, but not once in ten years, so 
they tell me, has any judge been sent to a district 
that lie knew anything about. 

"You can see for yourself that there is nothing 
temporary about the problem. Federal judges are 
appointed for life, you know, an' the people don't 
get anything off for good behavior. 

"Nor is it like the good old times when the cor- 
poration attorneys used to make themselves entirely 
responsible for the entertainment of the whole Fed- 
eral bench. They can talk to me all they please 
about Southern hospitality, but in the matter of 
generosity an' thoughtfulness, there was never any- 
thing like a railroad lawyer in his social contacts 
with Federal judges. When the rude hand of 



116 UNCLE HENRY 

suspicion destroyed 'em, something very sweet an' 
beautiful went out of our American life. 

"Ah me, the fineness an' delight of it all! For 
instance, in those days of demagogy out in Missouri, 
when the Legislature was always tryin' to reduce 
railroad fares or put across a maximum freight- 
rate bill, the lawyers would stroll over from the 
offices an' the judge would drive in from the coun- 
try club, an' for an hour or two there'd be a feast 
of reason an' a flow of soul that would have turned 
Mark Twain green with envy. No vulgar story- 
tellin', such as plays so prominent a part in modern 
conversation, but brilliant retorts, keen satire, an' 
instantaneous humor, until the attorneys for the 
State slunk away in shame an' embarrassment. 

"Then, with a courtly wave of his hand, the judge 
would issue a bunch of temporary injunctions, each 
guaranteed to last a lifetime, an' away all of 'em 
would go to Miami or Catalina or Topolobampo on 
a private car, the jurist a loved an' honored guest. 

"Nothing noble, however, seems to be able to es- 
cape the stain of muck in these latter days. After 
one such occasion, such as I have jes' described, a 
lot of wretched agitators raised an awful hullabaloo, 
presentin' a long table of figures showin' that every 
fish caught by the judge cost the people of Missouri 
at least one million dollars. The clamor even reached 
a point where they tried to impeach him. 



OVERMANUFACTURE IN JUDGES 117 

"Even after bein* severely rebuked, however, the 
wretched demagogues kept up their attack, demand- 
in' to have a pond put on the post-office lawn 
an* stocked with tarpon, claimin* it would save the 
people money in the end. Nothin' serious ever 
came of it, but you can't put back the bloom of 
a peach. 

"There is no longer the old, gay companionship be- 
tween judges an' attorneys, the long, happy jaunts 
together on private cars an* yachts — an', as a con- 
sequence, the burden of entertainin' the judiciary is 
now one of the people's problems. 

"But there's no use whinin' or worryin', my boy. 
We can't prove false to one of America's most sa- 
cred traditions. When the Fathers, in their wisdom, 
foresaw the necessity of a leisure class, they con- 
ceived the idea of a Federal judiciary, an' Congress 
after Congress has kept the faith an' carried on. 
We've put our hand to the plow an' we can't take it 
away. Nothin' must ever be allowed to interfere 
with the creation of more Federal judges. I'm hurt 
an' surprised that Congress is only providin' for 
twenty or thirty more. Never before in the history 
of the Republic has the time been so ripe for whole- 
sale appointments that would straightway give us 
more judges than all the rest of the world combined. 
When was our deficit ever so huge? What's a few 
millions more in salaries an' expenses?" 



118 UNCLE HENRY 

■11 1,1—— ——Bag— a— ■MMIIima ll^llMaaMMaMMBiMWMBWMBBiMMlMaMMBMM— ■wim hm 

* We've got too darned many judges now," sud- 
denly remarked the Cub Reporter. 

"Too many!" Uncle Henry exploded. "What on 
earth are you talkin' about? What we really need, 
and what we've got to have, is a judge for every 
citizen. I suppose, of course, you've got the usual 
layman's idea of what constitutes law. A sort of 
slot machine? Press a button an' out comes justice 
in exact quantities an' qualities? Simply a matter 
of diggin' out the facts an' passin' on 'em? Why, 
you poor simpleton, don't you know that it's been 
forty years since a fact got before any American 
court? What do you think lawyers are for, anyway? 

"Didn't you see in the papers the other day about 
that mule case out in Illinois? The mule died ten 
years ago, not one of the original judges is left alive, 
an' the grandsons are carryin' on the litigation. 

"Once a decision was nearly reached, but a Su- 
preme Court justice found a misspelled word in one 
of the affidavits. Old Eagle Eye they called him. 
When it came to commas, he didn't have an equal. 

"Again a member of a high court rendered a 
notable opinion based upon the findin' of King Al- 
fred in the celebrated case of Giles the Archer, 
caught killin' a roebuck an' its sears. But Gilhooley, 
J., dissented, curtly declarin' that he wouldn't hang 
a dog on Saxon evidence, an' endin' up in a strong 
denunciation of all the Georges, King and Lloyd. 



OVERMANUFACTURE IN JUDGES 119 

"No, sir, Jimmie, litigation isn't any haphazard 
process in these United States. In the days of our 
ignorance they couldn't drag out a case for more 
than a year or two, but now we've reached a stage 
of excellence where even the smallest an' most un- 
important suit will last forty or fifty years. 

"If you're goin' to go to law, you've got to start 
in your 'teens, an' even then you may have to be 
carried into court to hear the final verdict. An' all 
the time there's the risk of havin' everybody forget 
what it's about. Back in 1874 a friend of mine sued 
on a mortgage, an' when the decision was rendered 
in 1906 he got ten years for arson. 

"In many ways it's been our salvation. The high 
cost of suin' puts the law out of the reach of the 
workin' classes, an' since this dissipation was taken 
away from 'em, they report for work on Monday 
mornin's, an' savin's-banks deposits have more than 
doubled. It's an occupation for the rich an' does 
much to scatter those vast fortunes that are the 
causes of so much discontent. More than anything 
else, litigation has brought a note of hush an' halt 
into the hurly-burly of American life, permittin' us 
to realize the true meanin' of eternity !" 

"Sometimes I think we're crazy," sighed the Cub 
Reporter. 

"Oh, no, not as bad as that!" said Uncle Henry. 
"Jes' judge addicts, that's all." 



TO BOOZE OR NOT TO BOOZE 

''OUT their souls go marchin' on," murmured 

■^ Uncle Henry dramatically. 

*'Whose?" idly asked the Cub Reporter. 

"Washington's! Jefferson's! Lincoln's! Any of 
'em or all of 'em. America's body may break, but 
the spirit lives. One hundred an' forty-six years old 
an' still goin' strong. 

"Under the hammer blows of tyranny Freedom's 
bloody but unbowed. Why, it's gettin' to a point 
where I can hardly read the papers, they thrill 
me so. A fresh Declaration of Independence for 
breakfast every mornin' is too much for my blood 
pressure. 

"Listen to this," he exclaimed, picking a front 
page out of the pile beside his chair, and reading 
impressively. "Deaths from alcohol jumped 50 per 
cent in 1921. Seventeen young people stone blind 
in New York after a session with wood alcohol! 
Poison gin kills five in Wisconsin. Out in Illinois 
a whole neighborhood paralyzed by a single round 
of benzine highballs. Missouri father murders wife 
an' six children followin' dispute over home brew. 
Still explodes, manglin' nine. 

123. 



122 UNCLE HENRY 

**Brave loyal hearts! As truly martyrs to free- 
dom as though they had fallen on some stricken 
field with their faces turned against the invader. I 
see where the Personal Liberty League is raisin' 
a monument fund, an' they've already got Governor 
Edwards at work on a funeral oration entitled 
^Nathan Hale, You Said It.' 

"What makes the showin' even more remarkable 
is that the champions of constitutional government 
are fightin' under the handicap of havin' been taken 
completely by surprise. All this prohibition busi- 
ness came down on the country like lightnin' from 
a clear sky. Not since Abraham Lincoln and Uncle 
Tom hid behind a hedge and jumped out on slavery 
has there been anything so secret. 

"I had a long talk yesterday with an old friend 
who used to be in the brewery business out in 
St. Louis. As fine a type of American as you'd 
want to meet, though I don't suppose he ever will 
get naturalized now. The secrecy of it is what Gus 
can't forgive. If the prohibition people had only 
acted square and open; if they'd ever let anybody 
know they weren't satisfied with the way saloons 
were being run, Gus says things could have been 
fixed up nice and satisfactory all around. But no! 
The derned fanatics didn't have manhood enough for 
that. Of course Gus blames himself for not havin' 
been more on his guard, but how was it possible for 



TO BOOZE OR NOT TO BOOZE 123 

anyone to have so much as a suspicion of the con- 
spiracy that was hatchin'? Why, darn it all, if 
anything in the world seemed settled, it was an 
American's right to drink what, when, an' where 
he pleased. 

"Time after time we had made it clear that liberty 
was no mere abstract principle with us, but a sacred 
thirst. When we got sick an' tired of havin' the 
British tell us what we could an' couldn't put in our 
systems, an' jes' naturally rose up an' dumped all 
that mess of tea into Boston Harbor, v/hat was it 
but a bold announcement that we claimed the right 
of self-determination in the matter of beverages, 
an' that hereafter we meant to take our freedom 
straight? An' what about the Battle of the Brandy- 
wine? An' the Black Hawk an' Old Crow Wars? 
Not a dry page in all our history! With such a 
record, who would ever have thought of a new 
attack? Who could dream that bigotry would dare 
to raise an impious hand an' strike freedom's goblet 
from the lips of a patriotic an' thoroughly parched 
people ? 

"What's that you're mumblin'? State after State 
and city after city was dry before national prohibi- 
tion came? Utter nonsense. I've talked with hun- 
dreds of brewers, distillers, rectifiers, and bar- 
tenders, an' all of 'em tell me that not until the 
blow fell did any of 'em have the least warnin' 



124 UNCLE HENRY 

of danger. Compared to that prohibition crowd, 
moles were as open an' aboveboard as airplanes. 
You ought to hear Gus tell how they slipped it 
through Congress. 

"The House an' Senate, slippin' out of Washing- 
ton by ones an' twos, met on an island in the Poto- 
mac at midnight, an', speakin' entirely in whispers, 
voted to submit the accursed amendment. State 
legislatures;, with equal stealth, gathered after dark 
in swamps, graveyards, and haunted houses to ratify 
the savage pact. Not till then was any citizen per- 
mitted to know anything about it. 

"I'll never forget the day the news broke. June 
it was^ — soft, calm, an' still — ^that quiet hour be- 
tween the mornin' bracer an' the noon sustainer. 
Save for a cry from some alcoholic ward, or the 
raised voice of an unreasonable wife refusin' to let 
her husband have the children's bank, not a sound 
broke the stillness. Here an' there a sturdy free- 
man, worn out by the pursuit of happiness^, slept 
where he'd fallen the night before, an' now an' then 
a happy little child dashed out of a Family En- 
trance with a pitcher or a bucket, but for the most 
part the streets were deserted. No rattle came from 
the swingin' doors of the saloons, an' inside the 
bartenders dozed at their posts, conservin' their 
energies for those strenuous later hours when the 
manhood of America would gather an' show to the 



TO BOOZE OR NOT TO BOOZE 125 

world how a strong man can either take it or leave 
it alone. 

"I was sittin' here jes' as I am now, drinkin' in 
the peace of it all through a straw. Over at the 
cigar stand a new member of Congress from Texas 
was tryin' to buy tobacco with his telegraph frank, 
an' down by the cafe door the hat boy and the head 
waiter were matchin' emeralds. Jes' a nice pleasant 
hush everywhere. Suddenly I saw a dust cloud 
comin' from the direction of the Capitol. 

"Soon came the hoarse clamor of many voices: 
*Mad dog! Mad dog!' it sounded like, but when it 
came nearer it was: 'Volstead! Volstead!' 

"A few figures became visible, dartin' from side 
to side like rabbits, and then the dust cleared, dis- 
closin' confusion. Some of 'em had it in bottles, 
jugs, and kegs, but I saw lots of tubs and wash boil- 
ers. A bunch of after-dinner speakers streamed by, 
an' a platoon of musical-comedy managers. *What'll 
we do now? What'll we do now?' came from them 
in a moan. They made their last stand down there 
by the school, where Murphy's Buffet was then. 

"Faster and faster the hordes streamed by, 
panicky for the most part, but along toward the 
end I saw some superb rearguard fighting. Only a 
handful, but how they did fight ! I thought I knew 
the two men in command, and who do you think it 
was? Why, William Randolph Hearst and Arthur 



126 UNCLE HENRY 

Brisbane, of course. Beaten back, inch by inch, they 
took up a defensive position over there by the 
library, only then it was McCarty's place. For a 
while they held their own, shoutin' their battle cry : 
'Beer an' Light Wines,* an' then the human tidal 
wave rushed over 'em. It was that way wherever 
you looked. Simply overwhelmin' ! By eleven 
o'clock all the root-beer signs were in place, an' at 
noon Bryan an' Volstead entered an' were given 
the keys to the cellar. 

"It's goin' to be a long while before the bitter- 
nesses of that day are healed," Uncle Henry pre- 
dicted sadly. "Y'see, it wasn't only the unfairness of 
the attack, owin' to its secrecy, but there's also the 
blacker crime of treachery. For they done what 
they did while two million American boys were 
away in France fightin' to make the world safe for 
democracy. That's what hurt. These boys sailed 
away little dreamin' that the real danger was not 
in front of them, but behind. 

"When you stop to think of this black treachery 
piled on the top of all that secrecy, was it any won- 
der that our courage was crushed down into the very 
dirt for a while? Finally, however, the old Ameri- 
can spirit commenced to lift itself, an' here an' 
there, in cellar, attic, or lonely field, the worm be- 
gan to turn, or maybe distill is the technical term 
for it. From Maine to California a movement 



TO BOOZE OR NOT TO BOOZE 127 

started to make corn meal the national flour, an' 
varnish dealers put in little marble-topped tables 
an' bought straws. 

"I'm sorry not to be able to give credit to all alike, 
but the fact remains that the burden of the battle 
has been borne by our so-called upper classes. It 
has been wonderful to see our best people bravely 
turn their own homes into barrooms. No sacrifice 
has been too great for 'em. Even the children have 
been enlisted in the struggle, an' I'm hopin' some 
great artist will paint the picture of the modern 
father swingin' a flask to his young son's hip an' 
biddin' him a last good-by in the name of Ameri- 
can liberty. 

"It's been a brave fight," said Uncle Henry, pre- 
parin' another wad of fine cut for insertion in the 
mastoid process. "None braver was ever waged, 
but, jes' between you an' me, I'm afraid it's a losin' 
one. On every hand bathrooms are bein' restored 
to their natural uses, an' as you come down the 
street in the mornin' you can smell other things be- 
sides sour mash. Many bitter disappointments have 
contrived to shatter courage an' confidence. After 
all the talk an' high hope, yeast turned out worse'n 
nothin' at all. Same way with raisins. Even after 
treatin' 'em with a wrinkle remover, they had noth- 
ing to offer that was in any ways competent, rele- 
vant, an' material. As for the various varnishes. 



128 UNCLE HENRY 

benzines, wood alcohol, an' sweet spirits of niter, 
it's simply the case that we've gone too far away 
from the old, sturdy pioneer stock. We can't stand 
'em. Too many years of soft livin' an' soft drinkin' 
behind us. No sociability about 'em either. Wild 
stuff, some of it. A good friend of mine out in 
Missouri's been up in top of a tree for three weeks, 
an' they jes' can't get him to come down. 

"Of course a brave front's still bein' kept up. 
There's a lot of talk about the direct results to be 
obtained by feedin' juniper berries to dairy cows, 
an' here in Washington a bunch of congressmen 
have the idea they can bring about a repeal of the 
Eighteenth Amendment. Not a chance ! At various 
times I've lived in Kansas, Colorado, an' other 
States where they've been prohibitionin' for the 
last twenty years or so. When it's once done, 
my boy, it's done for all time. Liquor never 
comes back. 

"Your average American will bellow about his 
booze an' even fight for it, if the other fellow isn't 
too big, but he won't vote for it. When you're 
fightin' you've got company, but when you vote 
you're by yourself. I don't want any saloon by my 
home where I'm tryin' to bring up my children de- 
cently. Then what right have I got to put it by 
some other man's home? I don't want my children 
to become drunkards, but if the law legalizes it. 



TO BOOZE OR NOT TO BOOZE 129 

what can I do about it? Worst of all, each year sees 
a new generation comin' on — boys an' girls who 
never saw a saloon an' don't know what you're 
yellin' about. Then private stocks run out, judges 
quit treatin' bootleggin' as a joke, an' at last there 
comes a day when you hear yourself sayin': *Me? 
Why, I was always for it !' " 



U. H. 



PANTS ACROSS THE SEA 

"TTAVEN'T seen any movies of Ambassador 

■L-*- Harvey in his plush breeches, have you?" 
asked Uncle Henry. 

"You mean silk, don't you?*' corrected the Cub 
Reporter. 

"Well, it won't be long before he changes to plush, 
so what's the difference? We're a race that slips 
fast an' furious if we ever get started. Once induce 
an American to let loose of his long pants, an' be- 
fore you know it he reaches a point where even fig 
leaves mean nothing in his life. The full reports are 
not at hand, but from the little news that has 
dribbled across I gather that the colonel throws a 
wicked leg. Of course, the Cold Cream Guards claim 
a slight thickness in the pastern. Either that or his 
speech, I forget which. Anyway, the effect's good 
as far as Anglo-American relations are concerned. 
The people follow him in crowds, laughin' an' 
shoutin' an' friendly as you please. 

"His appearances at court are no less impressive. 
What with the short pants an' a bad cold, hardly 
anyone suspects him of bein' an American. Of 
course, he doesn't fool any of the English, but the 

131 



132 UNCLE HENRY 

commutin' princes an' princesses are completely 
taken in. Some of 'em actually stand around for 
hours waitin' for him to pull a rabbit out of his 
pocket. 

"I don't know how the Corn Belt is goin' to take 
George's plunge into knee pants, but as for me, I 
approve of it. No longer will our ambassador at the 
Court of St. James's be taken for a waiter, an', by 
the same token, no more will the sturdy tray bearers 
of Old England be taken for the American ambassa- 
dor. An unhappy confusion that has existed ever 
since the colonel went over is done away with for- 
ever. Pants across the sea ! With this last source of 
discord so happily removed, there's no reason why 
the Anglo-American alliance shouldn't go on an' on 
until everything we have belongs to the English as 
much as to us. 

"As far back as I can remember, this question of 
uniforms for our ambassadors an' ministers has 
been what you might call a burnin' issue. Some ten 
or fifteen years ago it even reached the point where 
a dauntless American envoy refused to accept the 
Berlin post unless given the right to wear something 
that would make people know he hadn't come in with 
the caterer. A big man he was, who'd amassed a 
fortune through pickin' the right father, an' whose 
fitness for foreign service was above question, for 
never at any time had he permitted the Corrupt 



PANTS ACROSS THE SEA 133 

Practices Act to come between him an' his campaign 
contributions. Well, sir, this chap stated flatly that 
he wasn't goin' over there to have a lot of chinless 
Guten Nobbins orderin' him to hustle a chair, hurry 
with the beer, or else dumpin' wraps on him until he 
looked like a rummage sale. 

"Nobody knew what to do for a while. He didn't 
belong to the Knights of Pythias or the Shrine, an' 
as he didn't play anything, a drum major's uniform 
was out of the question. Finally the President, in 
sheer despair, told him to go ahead an' get up some- 
thing himself. Bein' a millionaire, money was no 
object, an' he called a regular convention of tailors, 
modistes, scenic artists, textile workers, an' color 
experts with Ziegfeld an' Belasco as expert ad- 
visers, 

"There were so many feathers on the hat that the 
Humane Society had to collect flannels for the sur- 
vivin' ostriches. The coat assayed ten pounds to the 
inch, an' officials from the Government mint were 
called in to make the proper drape. A sash of 
crushed rose kept the ensemble from bein' too 
somber, at the same time guardin' against frontal 
fullness an' furnishin' a sort of brassiere for the 
hips. The one weak spot was the pants. Either he 
distrusted his bob veals or lost courage at the last 
moment; anyway, he kept 'em long. Gold stripes, 
however, were provided as a species of distraction. 



134 UNCLE HENRY 

an* some costly Hamburg edgin* was tacked on to the 
bottom. The cape^ thrown back from the shoulders 
an' held in place by a family heirloom that he'd 
bought the day before, was a deep rich crimson 
velvet handpainted with the coat of arms that he 
liked best. The sword, while charmingly done in 
blue enamel, had a real blade to it, for, as his secre- 
tary explained, some rude boor from Texas might 
see him some time. 

"They tell me he hit Berlin like an explosion in a 
paint factory. The Kaiser was delighted, an' gave 
him a place in the second row, third from the end, 
actually promisin' him a speakin' part if he made 
good. Fashion journals wrote up the costume an' 
an imperial edict had to be issued to keep the 
Liberian minister from stealin' it. The Siamese 
representative took to his bed, for once the Turk was 
actually unspeakable an' threatened to get out an 
injunction, an' the Busch Circus might as well have 
been in another town for all the business it did. 

"Then, jes' as things were at their loveliest, there 
came the crash. While Bill Taf t was ferociously 
clampin' his ear on Teddy's teeth, Woodrow crept in, 
an' one day Jimmie Gerard hopped off a local at the 
Bahnhof, an' asked if it was Berlin. When they 
showed Jimmie the official costume, he exploded in 
a burst of sound that would have made the Collins- 
De Valera debate listen like a love chat between 



PANTS ACROSS THE SEA 135 

deaf mutes. He bit the Court Chamberlain, jes' 
previous to goin' through the window, and even 
when they caught him in the Black Forest an' 
brought him back, he wouldn't take off anything at 
night but his hat. For years after, even the sight 
of an Easter egg threw him into a violent tremble. 

"It's been the same way in almost every country 
but England. With the British it's always been 
different, an' I reckon it'll continue to be different 
to the end of time. We're able to stand up before 
French, Germans, Italians, Austrians, or any of 'em, 
an' brag about our bank statements, the wife's new 
car, an' the brick block goin' up on Main Street, but 
when we reach London we jes' burst into tears, com- 
mence explainin' that it's our first offense, an' beg 
'em to believe that our previous record's always been 
good. 

"Old Albion's certainly got the black bean on us. 
I've seen strong men bellow a sturdy, self-respectin' 
way from Paris to The Hague, fairly itchin' for a 
king to start something, an' then turn into con- 
tortionists before they were halfway 'cross the Eng- 
lish Channel. It doesn't seem to matter who we send 
over, inside of a few months our British cousins have 
got 'em apologizin' for George Washington's dema- 
goguery an' askin' everybody not to judge our crudi- 
ties too harshly, as we're a young people with the 
fur still on our horns. 



136 UNCLE HENRY 

"It isn't only ambassadors, but everybody. You 
remember how Admiral Sims wanted to march his 
ships on Dublin, an' if we hadn't yanked him back 
when we did, Hiram Johnson an' Hank Lodge would 
now be fightin' over the kind of home rule the Eng- 
lish ought to give us. The college professors, how- 
ever, are the boys that sneak away my aged Nanny 
an' make it do back airsets. After a month among 
the Druid an' Asquith ruins, luggin' a lunch basket 
in one hand an' their steamer ticket in the other 
they come back eager to prove that Israel Putnam 
an' Paul Revere never rode on a merry-go-round, 
much less a horse. Now I hate a jingo as much as 
anybody, but I'm a darned long way from bein' 
ready to apologize for the American Revolution. 
Maybe we've stretched Paul's ride a hundred miles 
or so an' added a few hundred feet to Old Put's 
jump, but I wouldn't give a hang for a country that 
let facts come between it an' its heroes. 

"It isn't only that they do it to us over there. It's 
the same way here. The minute a boat docks an' we 
see people gettin' off in art burlap suits that don't 
fit, an' lookin' like early Christian martyrs jes' be- 
fore the lions are announced, we drop everything an' 
rush forward with apologies for the Statue of Lib- 
erty. 'Spare the snub an' spoil the child' is their 
motto as they go about the country, eatin' our din- 
ners an' leavin' early so as to write down all the 



PANTS ACROSS THE SEA 137 

delicious crudities of the hostess before they slip the 
mind. 

"I sat at the table with one the other night, a 
Lady Something or other who's here to give us the 
facts about India an' Ireland. Of course, as she as- 
sured us frankly, it was none of our business, but 
bein' as England was the soul of tolerance, an' since 
we did pay such extrornery prices for lecture tickets, 
she had decided to humor us for a while. Our queer 
food an' quaint accent kept her bubblin' with ques- 
tions an' laughter, an' when she got up to go, feelin' 
the call of the diary, her farewell remark was: 
'Isn't it amazing how I accept America?' 

"When I was a boy, livin' on a Missouri farm with 
the nearest culture eighteen miles away — a real 
Brussels carpet — we had a bunch of city relatives. 
They used to spend the summers with us pretty 
regular, an' I can remember now that they made 
us feel that every visit was a distinct favor. Noth- 
in' was like what they were accustomed to hav- 
in', they complained bitterly about the dull evenin's, 
but next year would find 'em on hand again, the 
wells of Christian fortitude havin' been replenished 
in some miraculous fashion. An' with what gracious- 
ness they received the packages of butter an' eggs 
an' preserved stuff we'd send 'em durin' the winter 
— highly amused, but never failin' to see the kindly 
heart under the rough exterior. 



138 UNCLE HENRY 

**Once I went to spend a week with 'em, an' to this 
day my ears burst into flame when I think of it. 
At the dinner the very first night I found myself 
explainin' that mother an' dad never had many ad- 
vantages, an' askin' 'em to believe that the pictures 
in our parlor didn't represent my taste in art. When 
I left, a finger bowl was more important to me than 
the Declaration of Independence, an' it's taken me 
fifty years to get over the conviction that usin' the 
wrong fork doesn't stamp you as a moron with 
criminal tendencies. Maybe it's that way with us 
an' England." 

"You're provincial," calmly remarked the Cub 
Reporter. "What was the matter with Ambassador 
Harvey's costume, anyway?" 

"Well," said Uncle Henry judicially, "for one 
thing, it lacked a muzzle." 



FREEDOM'S SHRIEK 

''T SEE where our old friends, Emma Goldman an' 
■*- Alexander Berkman, would like America to 
take 'em in again," said Uncle Henry. "TheyVe 
had just about all the freedom they can possibly 
stand. New Russia is too stimulatin' for 'em. 
Another month of liberty an' the doctors won't 
answer for the consequences. They want to come 
back to this land of bondage for a rest cure. 

"I kind of figured it that way from the first. 
Y'see, there's nothin' sedentary about the Russian 
brand of freedom. It isn't a thing that you can take 
sittin' down. It calls for youth, strength, endurance, 
an' speed — mostly speed. Under the Soviet, life is 
real, life is earnest, and the grave is not its goal, 
not if you can run fast enough. In the days of the 
brutish Czar, ordinary agility would serve, but now 
a citizen's got to be able to do a hundred yards in 
better than ten seconds. Bein' free is a blessin* 
guaranteed by Lenine, but keepin' free is up to the 
individual. Fallen arches is the same as a death 
sentence. 

"It isn't only the case that Emma and Aleck ain't 
as young as they used to be. You've got to take 

139 



140 UNCLE HENRY 

into consideration the years of sufferin' behind 'em. 
Bitter, soul-crushin' lecture tours that sapped cour- 
age, undermined stamina, an' played hob with the 
waist line! Day after day of weary travel on the 
enervatin' Pullman with the plush eatin' into your 
vitals an' the porter never around when you want 
him ! Meal after meal in expensive hotels, with the 
caviar about to hatch, the soup half cold, an' the fish 
seldom above suspicion! 

**Don't talk to me about the tortures of Siberia 
or Hiram Johnson's agony over not reachin' the 
Senate in time for the Newberry vote. All my 
sympathy's for Emma. Every time the proletariat 
got ready for revolution, a new Chaplin film would 
come along, an' only the loathsome rich seemed will- 
in* to listen. Night after night she would have to 
drag herself to her feet in the auditorium of some 
vulgar caravansary, an' face the assembled bour- 
geoisie vdth nothin' to support her but the con- 
sciousness that there wasn't an unsold seat in the 
place; half suffocated by the heavy odor of massed 
American Beauties, her nerves racked by a noisy 
meetin' of some Rotary Club on the next floor, 
an' always laborin' under the sick fear that the re- 
porters might not be present, but still forced to go 
on. I suppose there were hundreds of mornings 
when Emma an' Aleck just prayed for strength 
to keep on bearin' it. 



FREEDOM'S SHRIEK 141 

"An' on top of it all a drear sense of futility, the 
chillin' conviction that she was a voice cryin' in the 
v^ilderness. Oftentimes, after one of her most pas- 
sionate periods, vi^hen she'd ripped the capitalistic 
system wide open, an' had absolutely proved the 
necessity of destroyin' the existin' order, drownin' it 
in blood, like as not the banker's wife would say: 
'Isn't it too lovely!' Or maybe the daughter of a 
traction magnate would whisper: * Aren't you just 
^00 thrilled!' 

''Heaven knows what the end would have been^ for 
Emma was gettin' to be the rage with the accursed 
bourgeoisie. All over the country Near Thought so- 
cieties were demandin' her presence, an' chambers 
of commerce were wonderin' if a speech by her 
wouldn't liven up the annual dinner. Even Bryan 
got nervous about his Chautauqua job, an' began to 
think about puttin' some new stuff in 'The Prince 
of Peace.' 

"The order of deportation came just in time to 
save poor Emma an' Aleck. Another day an' they'd 
have had to diet. At first, however, they didn't dare 
to believe the glad news. It looked too much like 
some capitalistic trick. 

" 'Quit torturin' us,' cried Emma and Aleck, 
bracin' their four feet right up against the threshold 
of liberty. 'You don't mean to let us go, an' you 
know it.' 



142 UNCLE HENRY 

" 'Indeed we do/ said Uncle Sam. 'Our better 
nature has asserted itself at last. Bold, untamable 
spirits, no longer will we detain you here in this hell 
hole of despotism. Slaves of capitalism, you are 
free ! The beat of your wings against the cage has 
touched our hearts. The door is open, an' give it a 
good push as you go out. There's a spring lock on it. 
Over there, in the heart of the sunset, only it's houses 
burnin', is unshackled Russia. Fly to it an' at it.' 

"Even then Emma an' Aleck couldn't bring them- 
selves to realize that their day of release had come. 
Convinced that there was a catch in it somewhere, 
they tried everything their lawyers could suggest. 
Habeas corpuses, attachments, replevins, contribu- 
tory negligence, assumed risk, an' mechanics' liens 
— nothin' was left undone to make sure that the 
order of deportation was on the square. When the 
last decision was rendered, an' they knew that no 
corrupt judge could keep 'em from goin' to glorious 
Russia, their cries of joy were heart-rending. 
They simply couldn't contain themselves. Police- 
men had to do it for 'em. 

"All the Bolsheviks in New York were at the dock 
to see 'em off. The limousines took three hours to 
pass a given point. Lots of radicals would have 
gotten right on the boat with Emma an' Aleck, 
leavin' this sordid land forever, if their grand- 
fathers hadn't of put their money in trust. 



FREEDOM'S SHRIEK 143 

" 'Have our Russian comrades be of good cheer/ 
shouted the intercollegiate section. *The American 
revolution's at hand. All the sophomores came over 
to us yesterday.' 

" 'Cable us what's bein' v^orn in Petrograd,' 
shrilled the Daughters of the Commune. 

" 'We're doing our part in the campaign of ter- 
rorism/ was the message of the Greenwich Village 
delegation. 'Tell 'em we've started two more tea 
rooms.' 

"The Communist party of Newport, unable to re- 
strain himself, jumped up on the rail and began 
singin' 'The Internationale' in a clear, vibrant 
soprano that tore at the heartstrings. Blood lust 
swept the crowd, an' there was unanimous decision 
to give a demonstration of the proletariat's power. 
At least five thousand revolutionists were in the 
maddened throng, an' Lord knows what might of 
happened if Officer Kelly hadn't come by an' made 
'em move on. 

"As the good ship sailed away from this land of 
the fee an' home of the slave, you never in all your 
life saw anything more pathetic than the joy of 
Emma an' Aleck. It was days before they could get 
over it. But as they came close enough to hear the 
sound of shootin' and realized that they were soon 
to touch freedom's shores, they threw aside the past 
an' addressed themselves hopefully to the future. 



144 UNCLE HENRY 

" We must play our part in the great drama of 
liberty/ says Aleck. *I ain't thrown a bomb since 
that time I missed Frick in 1890/ he says, 'an' it's 
goin' to be hard at first. But I think I can come 
back. The old arm feels pretty good,' he says, 
pumpin' it up an' down. *After all, though, my forte 
is writin', he says, *an' I think I'll suggest it to 'em.' 

" 'It ought to be a great field for lecturing,' says 
Emma. 'Of course, I can't get my regular price, an' 
I may have to take it in by the week,' she says, 'but 
it's all for the cause. Did you bring the trokeys?' 
she says. 

"Well, Russia was reached at last, an' their re- 
ception was tumultuous. Rushin' forward, the Bol- 
sheviks threw their arms about the distinguished 
visitors as if they never wanted to let 'em go. Some 
of 'em didn't. Emma an' Aleck were overcome. It 
was quite a while before they were even able to walk. 
Willin' hands relieved 'em of every burden. Only 
Emma's shoes were left. They didn't seem to fit 
anybody. 

"When Emma an' Aleck made their names known 
to the commissars, nothing could have exceeded their 
courtesy. 

" 'In the name of the Revolution', they says, givin' 
'em the Soviet salute square on the jaw. 

" 'An' some folks say this ain't a strong govern- 
ment,' says Aleck, tryin' to find the rest of his teeth. 



FREEDOM'S SHRIEK 145 

" Too bad you came just now/ murmurs the 
chief commissar. 'Distinguished radicals like you 
ought to be shot at once, but a spirit of unrest 
has crept into the firin' squads. They're demandin' 
the eight-hour day an' time an' a half for over- 
time. Siberia's got a waitin' list as long as your 
arm, an' it would take a shoehorn to get you into 
a Petrograd jail.' 

" *How about the Moscow prisons ?' asks another 
commissar. 

" 'Crowded ! That's where we put the opposition 
editors, don't you remember? 

"'Kronstadt, then?' 

" Tull to the brim with misguided wretches who 
wanted an election.' 

*lt looked for a while as if they'd have to shoot 
Emma an' Aleck, regardless of the expense, but at 
last they found room for 'em in a provincial jail. 

" Treat 'em gently,' says the commissar, as the 
Red Guards led 'em away. The eyes of the world 
are on us,' he says, *an' we must show the capitalistic 
governments what liberty means. Anything worse 
than a compound fracture,' he says, 'will meet with 
a reprimand.' 

"Well, Emma an' Aleck hadn't been out of that 
jail for more'n a day when they were jugged again 
for walkin' on the grass. After that they put 'em 
back again for violatin' the ordinance prohibitin' 



146 UNCLE HENRY 

free speech. Emma had to confess that she'd talked 
without first submittin' her words to the official cen- 
sor. They just couldn't seem to get in tune with 
liberty. If they walked together, they were arrested 
for unlawful assemblage, an' if they walked alone, 
they pinched 'em as suspicious characters. Why, 
it got to be so that whenever Emma an' Aleck saw 
a jail, they'd walk right into it without waiting to 
be arrested. 

" *I don't know what to make of you,' says the 
commissar, out of all patience with 'em. 'Come out 
of the past into the glorious present/ he says. *Keep 
pace with the world an' with us. Realize that 
private property's been purged of its evil,' he says, 
'since we got hold of it.' 

"History," went on Uncle Henry earnestly, "has 
paid all too little attention to the smaller tragedies 
of life. What if Patrick Henry had had the mumps 
when he said 'Give me liberty or give me death?' 
Or if Paul Revere'd developed boils just before his 
ride? Porfirio Diaz might have been president of 
Mexico to-day but for an ulcerated tooth. At the 
very moment when Emma an' Aleck were gettin' 
Russia's new message, an' when it looked as if there 
was a chance for 'em, chilblains developed. That 
was the end. The Soviet was sorry to see 'em go, 
but Emma an' Aleck beat 'em to the Swedish frontier 
by a nose. 



FREEDOM'S SHRIEK 147 

*'The Swedish authorities were mighty nice, 
puttin' 'em in jail at once as a special favor. They'd 
gotten so they couldn't sleep anywhere else. An' 
now they want to come back to this land of wage 
slavery until their constitutions begin to mend." 

"I don't think they ought to have deported them 
in the first place," asserted the Cub Reporter, who 
took the "Nation" and was by way of being a radical. 

"Same here," said Uncle Henry. "It made the 
rest of the world think we'd lost our sense of humor." 



THE NEWBERRY CASE 

**^V\JELLy I suppose we never will hear the last 

V V of that Newberry case/' sighed Uncle Henry. 

"Newberry?" The Cub Reporter repeated the 
name in a puzzled way. "Oh yes! You mean the 
Michigan guy — the one that thought the Senate was 
being run on the pay~as-you-enter plan." 

"I don't blame you for bein' a trifle hazy," re- 
plied Uncle Henry. "It all happened so long ago. 
At least six months, wasn't it ? But there are some 
long memories in the Senate, especially Bill Borah. 
Time doesn't cool him off at all, an' he keeps in- 
sistin' that he's goin' to make Newberry an issue in 
the next campaign. Between us, I'm sorry, for I'd 
like to see the whole darned business dropped. Lord 
knows, I don't hold any brief for Truman, but it 
does seem to me he's suffered enough. They vindi- 
cated on him without usin' anesthetics, an' it looked 
for a long while as if the exoneration wasn't goin' 
to be a success. The stitches stuck an' blood poisonin' 
almost set in. An' just think of what he endured 
before they decided to exonerate ! 

"Ever hear about that man who went to a ball 
an' ripped his pants as he was gettin' out of the 

149 



150 UNCLE HENRY 

car? An' how his wife took him into a little side 
room an' said: 'Slip 'em off. Thank Heaven, I've 
got a needle an' thread.' An' when they heard the 
sound of women's voices she opened a door an' 
pushed him into what she thought was a closet. An' 
it wasn't a closet at all, but the ballroom. Well, that 
was poor Truman's fix for three years an' four 
months. Right out in the heart of things with 
nothin' on but a union suit. 

"My heart used to bleed for him, but Truman's 
courage never failed. Then, too, as time went on, 
the simple charm of the man made itself felt in 
some degree. Always, however, there remained a 
group of implacables like Lodge, Smoot, Moses, 
Brandegee, Warren, New an' du Pont — remote, de- 
tached, an' ascetic, livin' an thinkin' on so high a 
plane as to make it impossible for 'em to have either 
sympathy or understandin' where human frailty is 
concerned. Pure Roman types! Stern to cruelty 
in advocacy of virtue, an' feelin' dishonor like a 
wound. 

"Not once did this fanatic band show a sign of 
softenin' through the long years of Truman's travail. 
Time after time, out of their gloomy intolerance, 
they tried to stop all of the investigations, and if it 
hadn't been for the Democrats, noble enough to put 
patriotism above partisanship, poor, persecuted Tru- 
man never would have had any open hearing. 



THE NEWBERRY CASE 151 

" This shameful affair has already occupied too 
much of our attention,' was Lodge's incessant cry. 
'Larger an' safer questions beckon. The thing to do 
is to forget it all — cast it back into the oblivion from 
which it should never have been dragged.' 

"But the Democrats stood firm, aided by the kindly 
Borah an' the gentle Kenyon, an' at last the glad 
day dawned when Truman took the floor in his own 
defense. You ought to have been there. Never be- 
fore was there anything like it in the history of 
America. Excitement ran high. They let nobody in 
until they'd searched 'em at the door for concealed 
questions. After three years of waitin', the joy of 
it all proved too much for Truman. The sergeants- 
at-arms had to carry him in. 

"But the superb nerve that had sustained him 
through all of his trials came to the rescue. Takin' 
the statement that was handed him, he read it 
through without mispronouncin' a word. His voice, 
considerin' its long disuse, was remarkably clear, 
an' the speech itself was a marvel. I've been in 
politics for a good long while, as well as practicin' 
law in off years, but I'm frank to say I never heard 
the equal of Truman's address for masterly analysis, 
close reasonin', an' inescapable logic. 

" 'I don't know what you're talking about,' he 
says. 'What election? An' where,' he says, 'is 
Michigan?' 



152 UNCLE HENRY 

"As he ceased speakin', a great silence fell. For 
a moment men forgot Republicanism an' Democracy, 
an' remembered only that they were Americans. 
Hearts were purged of bitterness, an' into many a 
soul crept the resolve to be more sparing of harsh 
judgments in the future. Then a great shout arose 
— the emotional relief of a simple people. The noise 
even reached the White House, an' Warren came 
hurryin' to the gate to hear what it was all about. 

"The Senate, once convinced of Truman's inno- 
cence, was as generous as it had been cruel. Lodge, 
Smoot, Moses, Brandegee, McCormick, Pepper, an' 
all the rest, ashamed of their doubts, sprang forward 
with a will, an' the resolution of vindication was 
frank, manly, an' affectionate, leavin' nothing to 
conjecture or distortion. 

" ^There's no question that Truman's seat was 
bought,' it says, *an' as such sinful practices are ab- 
solutely contrary to a sound public policy, harmful 
to the honor an' dignity of the Senate, an' danger- 
ous to the perpetuity of a free government, be it 
hereby resolved that we severely condemn an' dis- 
approve 'em,' it says, 'from this day on, an' be it 
further resolved, that we accept Truman's apology, 
an' hereby order it spread upon the minutes in some 
inconspicuous place, specifically recommendin' in- 
visible ink for the whole proceedin's as compatible 
with the honor an' dignity of the United States.' 



THE NEWBERRY CASE 153 

"A splendid end to an unhappy business. The 
only untoward event of the day was Hiram John- 
son's apoplectic stroke. By some wretched mis- 
chance, he took the wrong train from California, an' 
pretty near reached Washington in time to cast his 
vote." 

*'Talk all you please," insisted the Cub Reporter, 
with some approach to stubbornness, "but I don't 
see any difference between Newberry and Lrorimer." 

"All in the world, my boy," rejoined Uncle Henry. 
"Lorimer did his owti marketin'. That's the dif- 
ference an' that's the issue. Truman's vindication 
was more than personal. It marked a millstone in 
the progress of the race. We've put provincialism 
away an' are now hand in hand with culture. A lot 
of people have had monuments put up to 'em for less 
than what Truman did. He made us realize that 
America's no longer a bunch of impoverished 
colonies, but the richest country in the world. 

"When I started out in politics it was right an' 
proper for us to buy our votes at a five-an'-ten-cent 
store, for we were a young people with frugality 
enjoined on us by poverty. But times have changed. 
Aboundin' wealth has come to us, an', as a plain 
matter of pride, we've got to live up to our new 
station in life. An office seeker to-day, especially 
when it's for a seat in the Senate, can't run round 
huntin' bargains, hagglin' over prices, an' puttin' 



154 UNCLE HENRY 

candles under votes to see if they're fresh. You've 
got to leave it to others, just as you leave marketin' 
to the kitchen help. Truman understands. He may 
be a hardy annual when it comes to ideas, but he 
knows enough to keep pace with progress. 

" 'What's good in town?' he says to his brother 
John one evenin*. 

" 'The Senate, so they tell me,' says John. 

"'A musical comedy?' asks Truman. 

*' 'Without music,' says John. 

" 'I think I'll go !' says Truman. 'Dawson,' he 
says, callin' his butler, 'a seat for the Senate,' he 
says. 'Something about the third row.' 

"With that he turns an' walks into his library, 
all aglow with its dark woods an' richly bound alma- 
nacs, an' shuts himself off from the sordid world, 
barrin' a telephone switchboard, a telegraph instru- 
ment, an' a few messengers. 

"Ask me, an' I'll say it was princely. Quite in 
the grand manner, as Ham Lewis puts it. Accord- 
in' to my reports, an' judgin' from the cottage- 
organ rash that broke out all over Michigan the 
day after the primary, something like half a million 
was spent. Civic interest ran so high that there 
was talk of doin' away with the State Fair an' 
makin' the election an annual event. They tried 
to show the books to Truman, but he merely waved 
'em away. 



THE NEWBERRY CASE 155 

" Tigures bore me/ he says. 'What is it,' he says, 
'that the seat's for? I've forgotten/ he says. 

"In my opinion, the importance of Truman's vic- 
tory can't be overestimated as far as its influence 
on our national life is concerned. For years the 
problem has been to get our best people interested 
in politics, but the sordid details of office seek- 
in' have always stood in the v^ay. Now that Tru- 
man has demonstrated that it needn't take a day 
away from work, an' necessitates no contact more 
personal than a telephone call, you're goin' to see a 
change. All over the country wherever any of the 
leisure class are gathered, there is the thrill of a 
new resolve." 

"Before they get through," the Cub Reporter 
prophesied darkly, "some of these birds are goin' to 
land in the pen. Just remember Newberry got a 
two-year sentence handed to him." 

"Jes' some of Henry Ford's personal spite," said 
Uncle Henry airily. "Havin' memorized the whole 
of Guffey's Fourth Reader he was crazy to go to the 
Senate himself. But don't forget that Truman didn't 
have to serve a single day. Thank Heaven, there's 
still some law in the land. The Supreme Court's 
decision in Truman's case may well be called a new 
Magna Charta, for it upholds the legality of office 
seekin' by proxy, an' affirms collective bargainin' as a 
fundamental political right. Truman's conviction 



156 UNCLE HENRY 

was reversed an' reprimanded, an' the Corrupt 
Practices Act handed over to the ash man. 

" * We've looked everj^where/ says the learned 
justices, 'in the Constitution, under it, behind the 
door, an' as far back as Alfred the Great, thinkin' 
it might have dropped out on the way, an' we can't 
find mention of any such law. How didya say you 
spelled it?' 

"But what does it all matter, anyway? Even if 
the Supreme Court should ever fail, it isn't as if 
any reputable men would have to stay in the peni- 
tentiary for more than a few days. A cough or two, 
an' then the pardon comes." 

"It's a disgrace," insisted the Cub Reporter. "The 
dignity of the Senate's been lowered." 

"Raised, you mean," Uncle Henry corrected. "By 
$250,000 at least. Why, there isn't another parlia- 
mentary body in the world that's got such an initia- 
tion fee." 



THE NUDE IN LITERATURE 

WHAT'S the book?" asked Uncle Henry. 
"Freud," the Cub Reporter admitted in a 
tone he strove to make casual. "He's the man that 
analyzed sex, one might say." 

"Popularized it, one might also say. And a thor- 
ough job he's made of it too. At the present time 
it's about the most conspicuous thing in the whole 
world. Go where you will, an' as far as you like, 
an' you're never out of sight or sound of it. Close 
your eyes and it jazzes on the eardrum. Sextettes 
sing it, sexaphones play it, and many an eminent 
author reaches sextremes in his sexplanations. 

"Lord knows where it's goin' to stop. Every time 
my grandson comes home from school I expect to 
hear that the multiplication table has been set for 
two, that your friend Freud has been substituted for 
McGuffey, or that Henry VHI is held up as an ex- 
ample for the young instead of George Washington. 
Each Sunday I'm prepared to learn that the earth 
was made in sex days an' that Job's trouble wasn't 
boils but inhibitions. 

"An* look what it's done to literature ! No up-to- 
date author thinks any more. He eavesdrops. Not 

157 



158 UNCLE HENRY 

long ago I picked up one of a bunch of new novels 
lyin' on my daughter's library table. She has the 
grace to hide 'em when her mother's around, but 
I'm one of those fathers that always kept the family 
discipline in my wife's name, so none of the children 
stand in much awe of me. The minx actually had 
the impudence to make me sit down an' read it, in- 
sistin' it would broaden me. It did. When I got 
home the garage door was the only one I could get 
through, an' I stuck twice on the back stairs. 

"The hero — I've got to call him that, for I grew 
up on literature in which the central character was 
always a hero — was a fattish man of forty-seven 
with a wife an' family, at least they call two children 
a family here in the East, an' sometimes they fill 
out with a Pomeranian or Pekinese at that. As 
the story opens, our hero is thinkin', an' the more he 
thinks the more convinced he is that life's holdin' 
something out on him. 

"After a chapter or so of thinkin', he kind of got 
the idea that his wife might be responsible for it 
in some way an' he began to giwe her the once over. 
As a consequence, he came suddenly to the crushin', 
blindin' realization that he didn't love her any more. 
When he looked at her there was no longer any effect 
of the Aurora Borealis doin' tail spins an' nose dives. 
Carefully, patiently, for he wanted to be just, he 
went over his feelin' an' discovered that what he 



THE NUDE IN LITERATURE 159 

felt for her was merely tenderness. Only that an' 
nothin* more. The old pulsatin', prismatic chaos had 
gone. You can see for yourself that there wasn't 
but one thing for him to do. He set out immediately 
to catch up v/ith life an' make her come across with 
all her hidden meanin's. 

"Well, sir, you never heard of a more thorough, 
painstakin' cuss. He jes' gave up golf an' business 
an' everything for the search. 

"Came a day, as all the good writers put it, when 
his niece's husband was goin' to leave her because a 
movie actress had taught him the meanin' of the 
word bourgeois. Nobody could call him that an' get 
away with it. However, it's an ill wind that blows 
nobody good, an' this one certainly blew our hero 
good and plenty. The movie girl had a rich rela- 
tive, one of the leaders of New York's Four Hun- 
dred, an' he went to see her about preservin' his 
niece's home. The bleak hauteur of the lady — ice 
had been f ormin' on her for forty years — chilled him 
at first, but in reachin' for a dish of tea he happened 
to touch her knee. She gave a low moan an' jumped 
over the piano an' two davenports, but despite her 
iron restraint, he discerned inner tumult. At first 
he thought it must be rheumatism, but no sooner 
had the husband an' other guests left the room than 
she grabbed him in her arms an' kissed him with 
flamelike an' intolerable passion. 



160 UNCLE HENRY 

"I know it's a bitter disappointment to you, Jim- 
mie, but I'll have to skip a little at this point. Of 
course, there's nothin' that can't be talked about 
nowadays, but habit is strong an' I'm still afraid of 
the police. Anyway, life revealed itself to him con- 
siderable. In due time he went back home an' you 
can imagine how intolerable it was ! The bourgeois- 
ness of it all settled down on him like a thick, chokin' 
fog. Hastily wallopin' his wife good-by, one for 
herself an' two for the children, he dashed out of the 
house an' went straight to New York. 

"The lady accepted the inevitableness of it jes' 
as our hero did. Nobody had ever understood her. 
Her husband was the kind that insisted upon her 
keepin' his mother's furniture in the house an' 
wanted his Sunday dinner in the middle of the day. 
All would have gone well if the lady hadn't been 
careless enough to die, an' if our hero's brother 
hadn't fallen asleep just when our hero wanted to 
tell him about his romantic adventures in leavin' 
home. 

"No question about it bein* a great book. It's the 
Magna Charta of middle age. Already there's a 
boom in toupees an' the roar of permanent waves 
is the loudest noise in the land. Wherever you turn 
you see elderly women hangin' from chandeliers by 
their hair an' stout men havin' their saggin' faces 
reenforced with concrete. A bold spirit of sixty told 



THE NUDE IN LITERATURE 161 

me it was a wonderful message, an* when I left she 
was telephonin' about a new set of teeth. If I were 
you, Jimmie, I*d keep off the streets until the ex- 
citement dies down. 

"How I wish a book like this had come along 
twenty or thirty years ago when I was young enough 
to take advantage of it. In those old-fashioned days 
we treated our complexes merely as a part of life 
instead of seein' them as all of life. Time has 
dimmed many things for me, but as though it was 
yesterday I can remember when my fortieth birth- 
day sneaked up an' jumped on me from behind. Up 
to then I*d accepted youth as something that was 
goin' to last forever, an' all of a sudden I saw her 
with her hat on, all packed an' ready to go. First I 
had a f eelin' of outrage an' then a sense of panic an' 
unbearable pathos. I thought of all the lands I'd 
never seen — white beaches and camel bells — an' 
domesticity hung about my neck like a millstone. 

"Yes, sir, if Freud had been on the job then, he'd 
been after me with a butterfly net an' I'd now be 
figurin' in his book as Exhibit A. Don't suppose I'd 
thought about my wife's looks for years, but when 
I turned new an' startled eyes on her, I saw she 
wasn't anything like the girl I'd married. She'd 
spread! The children, viewed critically, were a total 
loss. The way in which Johnnie wolfed his food was 
simply disgustin', an' little Emily had a habit of 

U. H.— 6 



162 UNCLE HENRY 

perspirin' that made her nose look like an effect in 
seed pearls. 

"Well, there wasn't anything to do but get over 
it, for in those days we still suffered from duty an' 
honor complexes. Instead of tellin' my wife I'd lost 
my taste for her, an' puttin' the children in some 
State home, I told her to get ready for a trip to 
Europe. I've got to admit that the New York ward- 
robe I bought her did work an almighty change, an' 
after she got over wonderin' what the children would 
do without her, all sorts of interestin' an' enter- 
tainin' qualities developed. 

"Women got the same way, I reckon, for when my 
wife reached forty, I noticed her lookin' at me criti- 
cal like, an' for days she annoyed me considerable 
by askin' why I didn't do something for my hair 
an' waist line. No doubt she was missin' the pul- 
satin', prismatic values, too, but like me she was 
weighted down with the old Victorian supersti- 
tions about duty an' honor. Anyway, I decided on 
another trip, only this time it was me that got the 
new wardrobe. 

"Now what if we'd only had Freud in those days, 
an' a few novelists bold enough to preach the gospel 
of the soul's revolt an' the divine right of self-expres- 
sion? Instead of yieldin' servile obedience to bour- 
geois conventions, I'd have found me a restless 
woman an' we'd have taken my wife's butter an' egg 



THE NUDE IN LITERATURE 163 

money, robbed the youngsters' banks an' gone off 
to Cuba or Brazil. 

"As it is, look Sit me ! Nothin' but peace an' com- 
panionship an' understandin'. Bourgeois stuff, Jim- 
mie. No prismatic values at all — ^jes' a quiet jour- 
ney into the sunset with the same wife I've always 
had. No place to go but home, an' no excitement 
except another grandchild every now an' then. But 
you're young enough to start right. Life can't cheat 
you if you keep your eyes open an' stick to Freud. 
Of course, your job is a hindrance. Sex is some- 
thing you've got to give your whole time to, an' all 
your thought, if you're goin' to make a success of 
it. Frequently I hear you talk of other things. 
That's bad. It's a Victorian streak you've got to 
get rid of." 

"You're always knockin' the big modern writers," 
protested the Cub Reporter. "What's the matter 
with 'em?" 

"Well, I'm no doctor," said Uncle Henry, "but I'd 
diagnose the trouble as high mud pressure." 



BULL-JAWED BRUTES 

"TlfTELL, it looks like the Senate's got police 
VV protection again!" remarked Uncle Henry, 
putting aside his newspaper. *The press gallery's 
fillin' up with sporting writers, Cal Coolidge has 
hired Jack Dempsey for his understudy, 'n' there's 
brisk bidding for the motion-picture rights. Why, 
it's almost like the good old days when they made 
Ben Tillman wear a muzzle, 'n' wouldn't let Joe 
Bailey come in until he'd checked his hot Southern 
blood at the door. 

"Yes, sir, I certainly must get a ringside seat 'n' 
watch this Tom Watson the next time he goes into 
action. Big 'n' rawboned from the shoulders up, 'n' 
jaw muscles that make the coils of a python look 
like the failures at a candy pull. An' a demon for 
endurance! Never stops even for a comma! 

"Debates under his own name too. Nothin' like 
these Battling O'Briens that answer to the name of 
Moe at home. A sterling American product, hailing 
from those hardy uplands of Georgia just a few 
days' travel off the rock road as you go south, where 
corn is still put to its natural use 'n' only books are 
vile. None of your fancy articles is Tom, but real 

166 



166 UNCLE HENRY 

home brew. Never wore clothes until he was twenty- 
one, 'n' then they had to hunt him down with hounds 
'n' rope him. 

"Don't you remember how he hit the Senate? No 
fiddlin' around, waiting for Jim Reed to reach a 
colon, but an instant appeal for consideration. Calm 
'n' gentlemanly, of course, as became a descendant 
of the Cavaliers, but still sufficiently positive to 
make the agent of a plate-glass insurance company 
order cancellation on every Washington policy. Five 
Western senators, wakin' up with awful starts, began 
to beg the reporters not to mention their names, 
before they realized where they were. Brandegee, 
dreamin' of the second comin' of Mark Hanna, fell 
out of his seat, 'n' Reed Smoot dropped the Life of 
Brigham Young that he was readin'. 

" ^Insensate despots !' cried Tom. 'Malevolent 
tyrants! Not content with dragging the flower 
of American youth into degrading contact with 
the degenerate scions of decadent France and the no 
less depraved Briton, but taking advantage of dis- 
tance to enforce a loathsome servitude upon hun- 
dreds of thousands of free-born youths, even to the 
point of salutes, which is no more than a cunning 
modernization of the pull at the forelock with which 
the vassals of old greeted the lord of the manor as 
he took his morning walk across their faces, and 
compelling servile obedience by the lash, the black- 



BULL-JAWED BRUTES 167 

jack, loaded canes, fence rails, rocks, boots, and even 
by the gallows, until there wasn't an unoccupied 
tree in the whole of France or a hip in the Ameri- 
can Expeditionary Forces that had not known its 
humiliation. Swimmers in blood !' he yelled. *Apoca- 
lyptical beasts!* 

" 'Bravo !' cried Henry Cabot Lodge. 'Admirable, 
even if somewhat restrained.' 

" *Hush !' hissed Frelinghuysen. *It's the army 
he's talking about!' 

" *Holy Theodore !' gasped Henry. *I thought he 
meant Woodrow Wilson.' 

"By now the Billingsgate Lad was going good. 
Words, jammin' at the source, fled screamin' from 
every pore. Language, first no more than pools 
on the floor, rose higher and higher until it lapped 
Cal Coolidge's ankles, 'n' a page, who couldn't swim, 
was only saved by clinging to a Congressional 
Record, the one dry spot in the chamber. On and 
on went Tom. The slaughter was terrible. Inside 
of ten minutes he'd hung three whole divisions, 
maimed a brigade, 'n' was proving that General 
Pershing always returned a salute with brass 
knucks. Over in a corner Hell-Roaring Hi Johnson 
of California turned so bright a green that Walsh 
of Massachusetts moved his appointment as am- 
bassador and referee extraordinary to the Irish 
Free-for-all State. Reed, once as fine a debater as 



168 UNCLE HENRY 

ever heaved an ink bottle, turned away in mute 
acceptance of defeat. 

** *I think I shall cry shame!' exclaimed Lodge. 

"*No, no!" said Moses hastily. They might not 
know who you meant.' 

"'He must be answered/ cried brave New of 
Indiana. 'Spring at him, McCormick,' he said. 

" 'I would in a minute,' said the senator from Chi- 
cago, *but we've never been introduced.' 

"Treat him with contempt!' piped Spencer of 
Missouri. 

" Toot 1' said Poindexter. 'He's been in politics 
too long to mind it.' 

"An' just then in came Wadsworth, genially re- 
marking : 'What ho !' or maybe it was : 'Pip-pip 1' 

" 'It's this man Watson/ they told him. 'He's 
talking about the army.' 

"'Eh, what!' gasped the senator for New York 
north of Albany. 'A bit thick, that ! The army's a 
fine institution. I had a friend in it once. Hey, 
there, my man!' he said, waving his cane in the 
general direction of the Billingsgate Lad. 'I'll 
trouble you to cite the evidence upon which you base 
your charges, which I will only denounce as uncon- 
ventional until I can find out whether my con- 
stituents still retain any interest in the late war.' 

" 'Evidence I' bellowed Tom, spitting out the tip 
end of Wadsworth's malacca. 'He asks for evidence 



BULL-JAWED BRUTES 169 

when what he takes for the sunset glow is the bright 
crimson lif eblood of young America, beaten to death 
by brutes drunk with the authority that comes from 
gold stars on the shoulder. For all that I have said, 
and for all I mean to say — for the century's still 
young — I have the authority of as fine an American 
as ever suffered from fallen arches, not to mention 
heart murmurs, hailing from the imperial common- 
wealth of Arkansas, or maybe it was Massachusetts 
— I never could remember dates — Vd have his letter 
here with me now only it didn't come — and if there's 
any further doubt that these terrible things were 
done in France, I can take the map and show you 
the country itself, unless the depraved head of the 
War Department has moved it in pursuance of his 
fell policy of destroying evidence. 

"'And, by way of collaboration,' said he, 1 can 
show that Lafayette came to this country to escape 
bigamy charges, that Rochambeau served three 
terms in jail, the first a life sentence for larceny, 
and if I ever overcome the reticence that feeds like 
a worm on the damask of my speech, there are other 
reputations I can destroy.' 

"By the time that Wadsworth had collected him- 
self with the aid of blottin' paper 'n' some mucilage, 
the elder statesmen came to the conclusion that the 
time for mercy had passed by, 'n', witia one accord, 
thumbs were turned. 



170 UNCLE HENRY 

" To the committee rooms/ went forth the order. 
In those darksome confines, dank with decomposed 
hopeS;, and ghost-white with the bleachin' remains 
of thousands of reform bills, the gallant Georgian 
slowed down to a stutter, but the sight of an officer 
in the uniform of the United States army gave him 
new strength. 

"*Bull-jawed brute!' said he. Tor five cents — 
and if I thought you wouldn't strike back,' said he, 
*I'd give you a clout in the eye. Thank your God,' 
said he, *if the army regulations permit it, that 
you're dealing with a gentleman, and a cautious 
one, for all my seeming impulsiveness, or else I'd 
scramble your ugly mug for you. But don't dare 
look at me. I know what you're thinkin', 'n' you're 
another.' 

"What happened to the case? Why, just what 
happens to everything that gets in a Senate com- 
mittee. What the doctors would call a natural 
death. Anyway, most everybody's forgotten all 
about it by now, although I still meet some who keep 
het up. There's Tony, for instance. He's my boot- 
black, 'n' as fine an Italian lad as ever ripened a 
banana by direct action. 

" 'Whatta da hell dees man Tomma da Wat goin' 
to get for da bigga da insult to da flag 'n' da arm' ?' 
isays he. *Dam traditore,' says he. 'Oughta maka 
da hang !' 



BULL-JAWED BRUTES 171 

"But Tony's one of these new Americans who still 
take America seriously. He hasn't had the ad- 
vantage of those years of calm consideration that 
come to a man whose ancestors swam over just 
ahead of the Mayflower. When he went over to 
France with Pershing, about the only English he 
could understan' was Tly at 'em, boys.' Not bein' 
able to read very well, he doesn't come under the 
broadenin' influence of the ^Nation' 'n' the *New 
Republic,' 'n' fails to realize that patriotism is 
provincial. 

"No, I wouldn't say Watson came in the Tony 
class. Knowin' quite a bit of history, Tom's aware 
that the casualties of war are nothin' to the casual- 
ties of peace. An army may survive a battle, but it's 
a total loss when peace comes. Overnight the hero 
becomes the zero. 

" Ts the war all over, illustrious champion of 
our sacred liberties?' cries Harry Heartmurmur, 
rushing up to the returned soldier. 

"'It is, thank God!' 

" 'And there's going to be no more fighting, 
brave youth?' 

"'Nope, she's finished!' 

" 'America's perfectly safe?' 

" 'Absolutely.' 

"'Then take that, you bum!' says Harry, plant- 
ing a kick just south of the hero's equator. 



172 UNCLE HENRY 

"Yessir, bootin' the country's gallant defenders 
is by way of bein' a national sport from the days 
of Washington down to Dewey. It's the comeback 
of the boys Over Here. And there's still another 
consideration that moved Tom no little, I expect. 
Nobody, certainly no public man, ever got on the 
front page by speakin' well of anything or anyone. 
An' when he looked over the Senate, undoubtedly 
Tom figured that St. Vitus dance promised more 
press notices than catalepsy. 

"But, Lord love you," Uncle Henry concluded 
cheerily, "it's not serious like the water pipes 
f reezin* or bein' asked to explain your last income- 
tax return. It's only in the Senate after all. An* 
there's this good thing about it: While Watson's 
talkin' they can't be legislatin'." 



DUMDUMS AND DIARIES 

"TTURRAH for Margot!" Uncle Henry threw 
■*•-■- down the morning paper and let an affectionate 
smile take charge of his face. "Some little Anglo- 
Saxon!" 

"Who do you mean? Mrs. Asquith?" The Cub Re- 
porter pocketed his volume of Freud with obvious 
relief and looked up interestedly. "Why, I didn't 
know you knew her?" 

"Who said anything about knowin' her?" Uncle 
Henry was plainly amazed by the assumption. 
"Didn't you hear me speak of her in a friendly man- 
ner? What's all that but the same as sayin' that 
me an' Margot have never even met? If we were 
friends, or if she'd so much as laid eyes upon me, 
for that matter, I'd be huntin' her with an ax on ac- 
count of some little pleasantry, such as her tellin' 
how I proposed to her three times an' finally married 
my present wife out of spite. Yes, indeed, my 
boy. Knowin' Margot isn't a society note, but a 
police item. Since she published her diary most 
of the male population of England is under bonds 
to keep the peace. They do say that when she 
sailed for the United States some of her old admirers 

173 



174 UNCLE HENRY 

swam after the ship for five or six miles before they 
could believe it true that Margot was really leavin' 
the country. 

**No, son, what you mistook for friendship was 
nothin' more than gratitude. Jes' plain gratitude! 
Y'see, I've always had a weakness for P. T. Barnum. 
In my opinion he's one of the greatest thinkers that 
America ever produced, an' it's warmed my heart to 
watch Margot provin' the truth of everything that 
old Phineas used to preach. We've had a lot of 
England with us these last few months — statesmen, 
poets, an' novelists, not to mention the whole London 
stage — an' while all of 'em give signs of havin' 
studied Barnum closely, none of 'em makes us realize 
his profundity like Margot does. Of course a lot of 
ill-natured fuss is bein' raised, but it won't come to 
anything. After all, one of her lecture tickets only 
costs $3.50. It isn't as if she was sellin' somethin' 
expensive like minin' stock, or as if the people that 
go to hear her had to work for their money. Even 
if they paid twice as much, it would be worth it for 
'em to hear the human voice again. What with Sun- 
day comic supplements gettin' bigger an' bigger, 
an' Mutt an' Jeff runnin' as a daily feature, our 
upper class was comin' dangerously close to bein' 
bookworms. 

"There's our international relations that you've 
also got to consider. When it comes to cementin' 



DUMDUMS AND DIARIES 175 

the Anglo-American alliance, you'll find that Mar- 
got swings as mean a trowel as George Harvey or 
even Henry Cabot Lodge. She'll make us know the 
sturdy Briton, an', as any of them will tell you, to 
know 'em is to love 'em. 

"The average American has got an altogether 
wrong idea of our cousins across the sea. Instead 
of bein' cold an' reserved, they're the openest peo- 
ple in the world — almost as open as that man whose 
picture we used to see in the old-fashioned almanacs. 
Many's the excitin' week-end I've spent listenin' to 
the fair daughters of old Albion discussin' vital 
personal problems that would have perplexed a 
master plumber. Comin' as I did from the United 
States, where up to ten years ago people didn't ad- 
mit that the hum^an body had any existence between 
the ankles an' the chin, it was rather hard on me 
at first, an' I reckon I broke many a record for the 
standin' broad blush. But, after my provincialism 
wore away, I joined up on every journey into the 
interior. Why, I got to know the English much 
better than my own people, an' even when I was 
back in this country I'd find myself worryin' about 
Muriel's liver, Rose's gastritis, and Diana's foot 
troubles. 

"When was I ever in England? Oh, lots of times, 
off an' on. While I was in Congress we managed to 
pull off several nice European junkets, an' once, a 



176 UNCLE HENRY 

long time ago, I was clerk in the London embassy — 
a reward of merit. In those days, my boy, we didn't 
take our political duties lightly. My very first elec- 
tion I worked all night on certain obvious errors 
in the count. Well, the hounds of the opposition 
raised some fuss, an' the boss thought it best for me 
to vanish a while. That was before they turned 
the diplomatic service over to Harvard for a post- 
graduate school, so gettin' me the London job was 
easy. An* I liked it — that is, after I got used to 
installment baths. Englishmen aren't much dif- 
ferent from the women either. Light an' unim- 
portant topics leave 'em cold an' reserved ; but when 
the fundamentals are touched they put their reti- 
cence in their wives' names. Once, on a trip from 
Southampton to London, I jes' couldn't get my com- 
panions to talkin'. War, peace, taxes, art, science, 
politics — nothin' started em', but all of a sudden one 
of 'em looked up an' pointed out of the window in 
great excitement. 

" *See that large red brick buildin' over there ?' he 
asked. 'It's an insane asylum!' he said. An' then, 
vdth a beautiful candor that moves me strangely to 
this very day, he told us : That's where the dear old 
pater has been for the last ten years.' 

"At first you got an idea that they were a con- 
ceited people, but nothin's further from the truth. 
True Britons never think of themselves. They 



DUMDUMS AND DIARIES 177 

conceded their superiority centuries ago, an' aren't 
troubled by those uneasy doubts that bedevil us 
poor Americans. We are always worryin' whether 
other people are goin' to think harshly of us, while 
the English are worryin' whether they are goin' to 
think harshly enough of other people. 

"Margot's a true type an' a fine expression. A 
member of the most brilliant family that England 
ever produced (see page 14 of her diary), adored 
an' admired by Gladstone, Morley, Jowett, an' 
Tennyson (page 82), the leader of London society 
for the last twenty years (page 117), an' the wife 
of Herbert Henry Asquith, Premier of Great Britain 
until he decided to give more time to bridge. 

"What more could you ask in the way of authority? 
Lord, but I'd Hke to see a copy of her diary in the 
hands of every American, for I don't know any- 
thing that lets us see deeper into British home life. 
Why, after readin' it you feel as intimate as though 
you an' King George had been usin' the same tooth- 
brush. One by one she nails the lies that have kept 
us Anglo-Saxons apart through all these years. With 
a simple candor our own Beatrice Fairfax couldn't 
beat, she enters into the mysteries of the human 
heart, an' tells all about the men who were in love 
with her, an' what they did an* what they said. An' 
how conclusively she smashes that silly superstition 
about the English bein' unemotional! For real 



178 UNCLE HENRY 

intense feelin' I don't want anything better than 
those passages that describe her partin' with Peter 
Flower, one of her first sweethearts. Then there's 
that tremendous scene where the Dark Lady begs 
Margot for Peter's love. 

" 'Release him from your spell !' she sobs, throwin' 
herself on the floor at Margot's feet. Turn the light 
of your beauty away from him an' he'll come back 
to my arms.' 

"But there's humor in it too — a sheer delight of 
delicious sparkle for the most part, but now an' 
then a deeper note that strikes right down to the 
heart of things, makin' you realize that under all 
the laughter was a mental clash as swift as sword 
play. 

" 'Don't you think that Mohammedanism has been 
a force for good?' asked some stupid person. 

" 'Bananas,' Arthur Balfour replied with rapier- 
like quickness. 

"Delicious! A note of coldness now an' then, as 
when Margot says she never had any pity for the 
men who loved her. But always frank! Why, I'm 
willin' to bet Margot could live in a greenhouse an' 
never worry about the blinds. There's no question 
that she's goin' to give the American people a brand- 
new idea of British character. 

"Still an' all," Uncle Henry continued thought- 
fully, "I'm afraid Margot's visit is goin' to hand us 



DUMDUMS AND DIARIES 179 

some results we won't like. Especially in connection 
with our women. Now, don't get the idea that I'm 
knockin' the American queen. No, sir! As Sena- 
tor Reed yodels in his Ozark campaign speeches: 
'When God poured out the milk the cream ran over, 
an' that was Woman.' But even her most bigoted 
admirers have got to admit that, unless she changes 
her habits of action, we men are goin' to have to 
buy our clothes from the United States Steel Cor- 
poration. Even at my age, I never think of goin' 
any place where there's a chance of meetin' the 
weaker sex without first takin' out a bunch of life an' 
accident policies. Darned if I know what's got into 
'em ! Some say Bill Hart an' some say Herb Wells. 
It's beyond me. 

"If you look at 'em, you're a blackguard, an' if 
you don't look at 'em, you're a brute. Offer a lady 
your seat in a car, an' she sues you for defamation 
of character. Take off your hat in an elevator, an' 
the lady you've done it for follows you into your 
office an' deposits four or five bullets in some incon- 
venient place. Pick up a lady's handkerchief for 
her, an' she knocks you down an' charges you with 
bein' the head of a giant narcotic ring. Ridin' in the 
same train with one is anything from a compound 
fracture to permanent disability. 

"About the only thing that's saved us so far has 
been the deep-rooted feminine belief that a certain 



180 UNCLE HENRY 

amount of beauty an' charm was necessary in any 
campaign against mere man. Risin' in the mornin', 
the fair sex would buckle on the pearl-handled re- 
volver or the Spanish jade knife, an' then walk 
to the mirror for a last inspection. A certain 
percentage then bounded out with loud cries, but 
the majority fell back with low cries an' cleared 
their minds of everything except lotions, permanent 
waves^ an' wrinkle removers. Yes, sir, for a good 
many years now the lookin'-glass has been the 
only thing that's stood between us an' absolute 
extermination. 

"An' this is what I'm afraid Margot's goin' to 
change. It isn't as if she were wearin' a veil. Why, 
darn it, our women will come away from her 
lecture absolutely convinced that the pursuit of the 
male calls for nothing more than determination an* 
endurance. Not face, but feet! Not charm, but 
courage. From now on, if you ask me, we're goin' 
to have the whole sex after us. 

"There's still another gloomy angle to the busi- 
ness. Up to now we've had only the bullet an' the 
blade to fear — brutal an' cruel, to be sure, but still 
decisive. They did put you out of your misery. But 
do you think for a minute that our females are goin' 
to stick to revolvers an' knives after studyin' the 
Margot method? No, sir! What we've got to fear 
from now on is not the merciful dagger, or the peace- 



DUMDUMS AND DIARIES 181 

gtpiii—i— —■——■■— — — — 

bringin' pistol, but the slow, everlastin' torments of 
the diary. 

"There's only one ray of hope I can see," said 
Uncle Henry, reachin' for his fine-cut. "Maybe the 
Hague Conference will put women's diaries in the 
same class with dumdum bullets." 



THE FOUR-POWER PACT 

"ri RIM-VISAGED war has smoothed his wrinkled 
VJT front and is goin' in for tea dances." Uncle 
Henry shook his head pessimistically. "Maybe so, 
but I sure would hate to start anything in the 
ballroom. 

"I don't mind admittin' that I was considerably 
enthused when Charlie Hughes pushed through his 
windbreaks an' declared that, in the interest of 
humanity, not to mention our own — which, good- 
ness knows, is long overdue — there must be no more 
battleships. Along with the rest of my delirious 
fellow countrymen, I searched my bronnicals for new 
noises when Henry Cabot Lodge ran down the aisle 
an', in a voice choked with emotion an' certain 
previous expressions, asked the prayers of the con- 
gregation. An' as I read the splendid commenda- 
tions of independent journals like the New York 
*Sun* an' the Marion 'Star,' I felt sure that there'd 
never be another war. 

"But that was before Charlie went into the back 
room. The minute I saw 'em leadin' him away, with 
Balfour's arm affectionately thrown about his 
throat, an' every Jap suckin' up more'n his fair share 

183 



184 UNCLE HENRY 

of air, somethin' seemed to tell me that the next 
communique would say it with flowers. Y'see, my 
boy, we Americans are peculiarly a race of open 
diplomats — wide open. Put us out on a prairie, with 
the Rocky Mountains moved back a bit, so's not 
to interfere with our swing, an' we can win any 
fair-minded body of men in the world to our 
way of thinkin', if they ever recover consciousness. 
It's different with the effete but still effective dip- 
lomats of the Old World. Born by way of twilight 
sleep, brought up in a cellar, an' given a post- 
graduate course in the Catacombs, the only thing 
light about them is their fingers. A back room's 
their workshop. They know every sliding panel 
an' trapdoor, the time the policeman makes his 
round, an' how to fix the drink of the gentle guest 
before his very eyes. 

"I don't know exactly what went on in that back 
room any more than you do or Warren Gamaliel 
himself, for that matter. The proceedings were so 
secret they wouldn't even open them with prayer. 
As for Charlie, he's still cryin': *Save the women 
and children ; I can swim' ; an' the doctors say it may 
be weeks before he can tell his story to the district 
attorney. Lodge refuses to answer by advice of 
counsel, an' Underwood insists that he remembers 
nothing from the time Admiral Kato poured him a 
cup of tea. 



THE FOUR-POWER PACT 185 

"But we're not Americans for nothing. Every- 
thing else may go, but imagination will still remain. 
Puttin' two an' two together, thus makin' the well- 
known fourteen, I can come mighty close to tellin' 
you what happened behind those sound-proof portals 
where the destinies of civilization were taken apart 
to see what made them sick. Balfour, our distin- 
guished English cousin, was the first to take the floor 
after leavin' William J. Briand on it. 

" This is a great moment in the history of 
the world,' says Arthur, *for here I am. I want 
to say that when I heard your noble words out- 
side, my good fellow,' he says, indicatin' Charlie 
Hughes by a tap in the face, *an' reflected on what 
disarmament would mean to my beloved sovereign, 
the King of Ireland and Emperor of India, as 
w^ell as having a voice in Egypt when he can make 
himself heard,' he says, *I could hardly contain 
myself, an' now that we're alone I'd kiss you 
but for the fact that our Anglo-Saxon blood com- 
pels a certain rude dissembling where the affec- 
tions are concerned,' he says, givin' Charlie a belt 
in the eye. 

"There are various trifling amendments that I 
will not trouble to offer now,' he says, 'since you 
seem to be lookin', but when it comes to your 
main point I am with you unreservedly. The battle- 
ship must go. Accursed instrument of destruction/ 



186 UNCLE HENRY 

he says, *and almost useless now, what with one 
submarine and another. The voice of humanity 
cries out against them. Hellish distortion of man's 
inventive gifts, and highly overrated, in my opinion, 
there's no place for 'em in a civilized world! Old 
England will never feel that she has kept faith 
with the sacred dead as long as a dreadnought re- 
mains afloat,' he says; 'that is, a French one. On 
behalf of our noble ally, la belle France, Great 
Britain accepts your plan enthusiastically. And I 
am sure that if my distinguished colleague, Monseer 
Briand, could speak for himself — watch out, Kato, 
he seem to be movin' — ^he'd indorse my views nobly 
and eloquently. 

" *As for ourselves,' he says, 'we stand ready to 
sink the devilish things at once,' he says, 'such 
as are unseaworthy, and when old England and 
Japan have finished a few triflin' cruisers now 
under way, and are convinced that you don't 
mean to lend us any more money,' he says, *and it 
being understood that nothing's been said about 
convertible liners, we stand ready to go forward 
in joy to the naval vacation that's the hope of 
the world. But we must not stop there,' he says; 
*we must go onward and onward until we reach those 
heights where lie man's most precious ideals,' he 
says, 'amid the ice and eternal snow. There's noth- 
ing that we must not do for humanity, or to her. 



THE FOUR-POWER PACT 187 

And to show our faith in our fellow men, and to dis- 
pel the last lingerin' doubt of our passion for peace, 
an' with full appreciation of the importance of the 
proposal, I do hereby move that we give up 18-inch 
guns, and have only 16-inch guns in the future,' he 
says. 'They tell me they're even more effective,' he 
says. 

" *We come now,' continues Arthur amid a silence 
so profound you could almost hear a couplin' pin 
drop, *to the consideration of the most horrible of all 
the engines of death— the assassin of the sea, the 
damnable submarine.' 

"At Arthur's words the whole room broke into 
applause by Lord Lee. The world doesn't want 'em, 
especially England,' he says. *They must be banned 
now an' forever.' 

**Well, sir, Arthur's eloquence was sweepin' 
everjiihing before it when Briand got the atten- 
tion of the chair with one. In a stirrin' speech old 
William J. came to the defense of the submarine, 
hailin' the quiet, retirin' little undersea craft as 
man's best friend, no trouble to make, easy to keep, 
an' payin' fpr themselves out of the car fare they 
save. 

" *You,' he says with a forceful gesture that just 
missed Balfour an' Hughes, 'prosperous an' happy 
with your opera, your phonographs, your cabarets, 
your unravaged fields an' your warships,' he says, 



188 UNCLE HENRY 

*an* never needin' to stay in the home/ he says, *may 
feel no need for the humble submarine, but in the 
devastated areas of France it's the one thing that 
stands between a sufferin' people and a hard winter,' 
he says. 

**It's the same way with poison gas an' high ex- 
plosives," continued Uncle Henry. "Not naturally 
vicious, but just weak. Bad associations was their 
ruin. Now that they're goin' to be taken into 
Christian homes, everything's all right. An' as 
for bombing planes, they didn't have the heart to 
drown 'em on account of the children. But the 
Four-Power Pact is goin' to see that they're 
house-broke." 

"Say," said the Cub Reporter, "I don't want to be 
a knocker, but just what does America get out of 
this, anyway?" 

"The freedom of the seas, of course. Absolute and 
unconditioned on a line stretchin' from St. Louis to 
El Paso, with exclusive rights to a marine band at 
Topeka. Could more be asked? 

"Breakin' right down, though, an' conf essin'," cau- 
tiously admitted Uncle Henry, "when you consider 
how fine everything started out, I can't help feelin' 
that if the President had only — But what's the use ! 
Never happened to see an elephant cross a bridge, 
did you ? The intelligent pachyderm, as Joe Tumulty 
would call him since becomin' an author, advances 



THE FOUR-POWER PACT 189 

slowly an' puts down one ponderous foot on the first 
plank. After testing it thoroughly, he brings up 
another foot. Then he gets on the extreme outer 
edge with his whole bulk an' gives a series of jiggles. 
Finally, when convinced that the structure is per- 
fectly safe, he retires to a near-by hill an' waits for 
some venturesome cuss to go across first. That's 
Warren ! The trouble with the disarmament bridge 
was that none of the nations really wanted to get 
over on the other side. 

*1 saw that the minute the generals an' admirals 
commenced arriving, all lookin' like an explosion in 
a mint, not to mention a bunch of Elder Statesmen 
who were beyond the draft age at the time of the 
Napoleonic wars. If the nations had been on the 
square about not wanting no more bloodshed, they'd 
have sent a bunch of buck privates. Those boys 
know what war means, but to a general or an ad- 
miral, it's just an eight-hour day at the checker- 
board with summers off. 

"No, sir, as long as you leave it to gold lace 
an' Prince Alberts, you'll never get rid of armies 
and navies. It's not that they love peace less, but 
honor more. 

"You an' me, playing our childish game of 'Dollar, 
dollar, whose got the dollar?' give a look at Amer- 
ica's honor now and then, and are satisfied with 
seeing that it's still there. But only those who sit 



190 UNCLE HENRY 

up with it at night, taking its temperature from hour 
to hour, an' puttin' on a mustard plaster now an' 
then to relieve the inflammation, know how delicate 
a thing it really is. War's the only thing that does 
it any good. 

"Average people like us just don't understand. We 
quarrel now an' then, an' talk a lot about fightin', 
but if the other fellow gives us half a chance we're 
always willin' to grasp the outstretched hand after 
makin' sure the other's got nothing in it. But it's 
different between nations. If you offer an explana- 
tion, you're a base poltroon, an' if you take one 
you're worse. Blood's the only thing that can take 
the stain out of a nation's honor. 

"Then there's old Human Nature," mused Uncle 
Henry. "I was talkin' only yesterday with young 
Doc Smith. A fine patriot an' a great soldier if 
his feet hadn't kept him home. Accordin' to 
Doc, there's always been war an' there'll always be 
war. Ever since man discovered that the human 
head was softer than the granite of his humble 
hatchet, he's been a fightin' animal. If he's at peace, 
it's only because he's out of breath. *You can take 
away navies,' says Doc, 'an' armies an' submarines 
an' airplanes an' every other scientific device for 
the promotion of death, an' people'll still go at it 
with hands an' rocks.' Maybe so. But if a man's 
dead set on handing me a wallop, you can just bet 



THE FOUR-POWER PACT 191 

I'd rather have him do it with his fist than with a 
hand grenade/' 

"But don't you think the President — " began the 
Cub Reporter. 

"Now you jes' let Warren alone," Uncle Henry 
commanded. "It's a new car, an' he's jes' mistakin' 
the foot brake for the gas." 



MR. RUTH AND MR. DEMPSEY 

""XT'OU certainly are a puzzle to me," exclaimed 
•*• Uncle Henry, viewing the Cub Reporter with 
pronounced disfavor. "At this very moment the 
fate of the nation hangs in the balance, an' here 
you are loungin' in a hotel lobby. The whole future 
of the white race is at stake, an' you sit there 
gabbin' about senatorial elections an' Hague con- 
ferences. Off with your sloth an' gird your loins, or 
whatever it is you do to 'em, for it's the zero hour ! 
How can you expect him to win unless he has a 
united people behind him, bulwarkin' his strength 
an' high resolve with every atom of their thought 
an' hope an' passion?" 

"Expect who to win?" asked the Cub Reporter in 
complete bewilderment. 

"Who? Who? Don't you read the papers at all? 
Have you no interest in flag an' country? Why, 
Jack Dempsey, of course! Aren't you aware that 
even now they are on the eve of matchin' him 
with Mr. Wills? That before winter's snow has 
changed to summer's green, a battle may be fought 
that will decide whether the Caucasian is to perish 

or endure? I don't blame the press for its frenzy, 
u. H.— 7 193 



194 UNCLE HENRY 

Through the centuries we've preached an' believed 
the doctrine of Caucasian supremacy. A great civi- 
lization has been reared on it. An' now all hangs 
on the hazard of a punch. I try to be brave, but 
every now an' then it's as though a cold hand 
clutched my heart. 

"About the only hope I get is in the study of my 
history. You may remember, for instance, that 
when the savage hordes of Africa overran all Eu- 
rope, pressin' forward until it seemed that Occi- 
dental civilization was doomed, one Charles Martel 
rose to lead a forlorn hope, an' his courage an' genius 
beat back the Saracen an' saved the white race. The 
Hour has never failed to produce the Man. Why, 
even Jess Willard came through. 

"Heigh-ho! These are certainly terrible times. 
Taken all in all, I suppose it's the most critical 
period in the whole of American history. To add 
to the strain, there's the motion-picture situation an' 
Mr. Ruth. Even if the Dempsey-Wills match wasn't 
tearin' at every nerve of the nation, the travail of 
Babe's heroic efforts would be enough in itself to 
invite emotional collapse. Will he break his 1921 
record? Can he stave off the furious rivalries of 
Mr. Kenneth Williams an' Mr. Walker? In New 
York, so they tell me, you can't attend a game with- 
out a doctor's prescription. Instead of rain checks, 
they give out pulmotors, an' oxygen is bein' sold in 



MR. RUTH AND MR. DEMPSEY 195 

place of pop. Every time Babe strikes out, it takes 
the ushers an hour to pick up the fallen arches. Be- 
tween you an' me these strikeouts are becomin' too 
frequent for comfort. Personally, I think it's the lit- 
erary strain. You can't do your best at bat when 
you're puzzlin' over some of the long words in your 
mornin' article or wonderin' what you've written for 
the evenin' papers. Sport an' literature don't mix. 
Corbett found that out. He had to give up fightin' 
entirely. 

"Now, Heaven knows I don't want to criticize 
your noble profession, Jimmie, but it does seem to 
me that the press isn't meetin' the situation with its 
usual energy an' foresight. Frequently I have to 
wait ten whole minutes before I know the result of 
Mr. Ruth's activities of an afternoon. I know, of 
course, that they're utilizin' every resource of tele- 
phone an' telegraph, but aren't they overlookin' the 
possibilities of radio? Why not have President 
Harding close the air every afternoon from 2.30 to 
5 o'clock to everything except Ruth news? An' for 
the whole radio industry of America to unite in one 
great broadcast that would flash the results instantly 
to every home, store, office, an' factory throughout 
the land? 

**It would mean an end to many of your news- 
paper competitive activities, to be sure, but when a 
nation is on tiptoe, sick with expectancy, is it any 



196 UNCLE HENRY 

time for petty rivalries ? What's money compared to 
human anguish? For every dollar lost a precious 
life may be saved. The Senate ought to take the 
matter in hand, but it's busy tryin' to bring 
Beveridge under the Volstead Act. 

"While presentin' many surface points of differ- 
ence, the motion-picture agitation is almost as 
fundamental as the Dempsey an* Ruth issues. It 
goes deep. What good will it do for Mr. Dempsey 
to save civilization if the soul of the race is to 
atrophy an' decay? You can't measure civilization 
in terms of material progress, my boy. The test 
of advancement isn't bank balances, but beauty. 
Do you remember Greece for its emporiums an' 
its chambers of commerce? Does Rome endure 
because of its Rotary Clubs an' annual hardware 
conventions? No, sir! Art's the thing that counts 
in the long run. An' how can Art get up steam an' 
make its best showin' if it's goin' to be cribbed, 
cabined, an' confined by the bourgeois traditions 
that we've carried over from the days of Victoria 
an' Rutherford B. Hayes? 

"The present may prove ungrateful to the movies, 
but posterity will do 'em justice, for they're the 
greatest educational factor of the age. They've left 
nothin' for even the children to learn. Moreover, the 
silver screen has imbued Americans with the old 
aspiration. We were gettin' to be the slaves of rou- 



MR. RUTH AND MR. DEMPSEY 197 

tine, in love with our ruts. All over the country men 
an* women were content with sordid little jobs — 
cookin' an' plowin' an' sellin' — deaf to the call of 
soul. Woodrow Wilson preached the New Freedom, 
but it fell on dull ears until the movies gave it pas- 
sion an' purpose. Mark the change ! Job thralldom 
has been thrown off completely. Each mornin' I 
hear the tramp of marchin' thousands past my win- 
dow. At the Mississippi they're not waitin' for boats, 
but strikin' right into the ragin' flood. Thousands 
have been lost in the sands of the Platte an' the 
short grass country is white with bones, but the rush 
to Hollywood shows no signs of abatement. When 
history is written, my boy, this tremendous Los 
Angeles movement is goin' to rank in importance 
with the Great Trek of 1849. 

"An' now we see these public benefactors shamed 
an' attacked. An' for what ? Jes' because of triflin' 
miscounts in the number of their wives or hus- 
bands. In addin' up they sometimes carry over one 
too many. What more natural ? No great artist was 
ever good at figures. I tell you, it's a big issue, 
involvin' vast principles an' goin' right down to 
fundamentals. What we've got to decide right 
here an' now is whether Art's goin' to be encour- 
aged or arrested. 

"As I said, I don't want to be put in the light of 
criticizin' the press. The papers have done won- 



198 UNCLE HENRY 

ders, an' I don't deny that they've spared no space 
to fire the hearts an' souls of people with respect 
to the Dempsey crisis, the Ruth struggle, an' the 
great movie scandals. But you've got to admit 
yourself that it's not yet a 100 per cent effort. Too 
many columns are still bein' wasted on trivial an' 
unimportant things like international relations, poli- 
tics, taxes, world reconstruction, business, an' comic 
stuff like the Senate. 

"It isn't so much the space that it takes, though 
every inch counts, but these nonessentials distract 
an' confuse. We can't give Mr. Dempsey the pas-, 
sionate thought that he deserves if Harding an' 
Hoover keep on bein' mentioned. How may Mr. 
Ruth be assured of the tense concentration that is 
his due an' meed if people are asked to think about 
national affairs ? At a time when the movies call for 
all that is broad an' modern in public judgment, is 
it wise to refer to Europe at all? 

"What's more, it shames us in the eyes of the 
world. It makes us look like a volatile, erratic peo- 
ple, incapable of sustained passion in the support 
of great causes an' the pursuit of tremendous 
objectives. No, my boy, the press has put its 
hand to the plow an' it can't turn back. It is 
false to the nation, an', what is more, false to its 
own best an' noblest traditions, if it fails to give 
over every single inch to the great issues that it 



MR. RUTH AND MR. DEMPSEY 199 

itself has done so much to raise. Cut out every- 
thing else!" 

"You can josh all you want," sneered the Cub Re- 
porter, "but millions of Americans are crazy over 
Dempsey an' Ruth." 

"No," said Uncle Henry judicially, "I don't think 
it fair to hold Jack an* Babe entirely responsible." 



HUMANIZING SCIENCE 

''TT7ELL, youVe certainly got to hand it to sci- 
VV ence!'' declared the Cigar Stand Man. "I've 
put in a radio set up at my place, an* it sure is a 
marvel. Opera, concerts, sermons, speeches — " 

"Yes," Uncle Henry agreed grudgingly, "it's all 
right now, but what if development reaches a point 
where you can't shut the thing off, an' everybody's 
got to listen? Imagine La Follette loose in the air 
lanes? Think of Lodge's campaign appeals comin' 
in the window before you've had your breakfast 
coffee? Or Bryan's plea of *Not Guilty' to Darwin's 
charge? No, Barney, when it comes to science I'm 
as full of reservations as a Republican senator. It's 
given us lots of things, I know, but it's also taken 
lots away, and I sometimes wonder whether we 
didn't get the worst of the swap. 

"My mother went across the plains in '59, an' 
while it took her six months she saw the country, 
met the people, an' her whole life was richer. I can 
go to California now in less than five days, but all I 
see is a string of billboards, an', after it 's over, only 
the porter's life is richer. As soon as I recover from 
my last pleasure trip I'm goin' to lead a great 'See 
Home First' movement. 

201 



202 UNCLE HENRY 

"All the telephone does is let people talk to you 
that you might otherwise avoid. It's taken the little 
remainin' courtesy out of conversation an* utterly 
destroyed privacy, turnin' the whole world into a 
regular aquarium. A one-way telephone, that would 
let us do all the talkin*, is what invention ought to 
get busy on. 

"The telegraph has put correspondence among the 
lost arts an' given literature a wound that won't 
heal. Imagine a modern Lord Chesterfield's *Night 
Messages to His Son' or some new Robert Louis 
Stevenson's 'Vailima Telegrams'? I reckon I'm 
about the only man left that writes letters any more, 
for my wife's old-fashioned an ' telegrams still mean 
battle, murder, an' sudden death to her. However, 
the night letter has sent the average vocabulary up 
to fifty words, so that's a clear gain. 

"Airplanes, subways, automobiles, fast steamers 
— speed, speed, always speed. No question we travel 
quicker now that we ever did before. Well, it's 
necessarj'-, for, as Alice says, you've got to go awful 
fast when you're goin' nowhere. Every day I see 
people spendin' hours thinkin' what to do with 
the minutes they've saved. 

"Bigger men than me, Barney, are on record with 
grave doubts as to whether all of our scientific dis- 
coveries an' inventions have added anything to real 
human happiness. I kind of figure it's because the 



HUMANIZING SCIENCE 203 

excitement of achievement has made us lose sight of 
human values in the thing we call success. You can't 
turn men an' women into machines without gettin' 
a purely mechanical output. 

"I don't know of anything that makes my point 
clearer than Dr. Hubert Work's recent experiments 
with President Harding. The newspapers gave 'em 
considerable space, but I'm waitin' for the medical 
journals to get the real dope. If it's as I think, the 
Doc's discoveries are goin' to humanize science, 
takin' away the harsh, granite effects an' givin' it 
the tender, appealin' human-interest note that's been 
so sadly lackin'. 

"When we elected Harding president it looked like 
at last he could say good-by to the handshake ma- 
chine at which he had worked so long, for had he 
not been given the biggest job in the world, callin' 
for the best in high thought an' wise decision? 
Poor old Warren! He didn't know the American 
people like he thought he did. Perils may menace 
an' calamity blast, but nothing is ever allowed to 
interfere with our frenzied passion for handshakes. 

"He hadn't been in the White House an hour be- 
fore the rush commenced. Thousands upon thou- 
sands — maddened by eight years of abstinence 
under Wilson — invadin' the White House grounds 
like a locust swarm, leapin' through windows, divin' 
into coal holes, an' slidin' down chimneys. No use 



204 UNCLE HENRY 

attemptin' to deny the voice of the people. Before 
Warren knew it, the party leaders had snatched him 
away from his desk an' had him at the old machine. 

"What's more, they put efficiency experts on him, 
speedin' up his production until it doubled an* 
trebled. No question that results were obtained, 
for when the White House staff took the slips out of 
the addin' machines on March 4, 1922, they found 
that Warren's output of handshakes for the pre- 
cedin' year totaled more than 150,000. 

"But men who'd been usin' the Hardin' handshake 
for years made no bones about sayin' that Warren 
wasn't puttin' the right stuff in 'em any more 
an' some even hinted he was tradin' on his past 
reputation. 

"They were right. Warren's heart wasn't in his 
work, for even the little he'd been permitted to see 
of a president's duties had made a strong appeal to 
him. What with elections comin' on, an' Democrats 
makin' low prices on handshakes in quantity, the 
party leaders were desperate. 

"As a last resort Good Old Dr. Work was called in 
from the Post Office Department where he was busy 
prescribin' for Democratic postmasters. The Doc 
took X-rays an' tried almost everjrthing but turpen- 
tine, but jes' when he was ready to give up in de- 
spair, the truth was suddenly revealed to him. 
Funny thing, but most great scientific discoveries 



HUMANIZING SCIENCE 205 

are accidental. We praise Newton for discoverin' 
the law of gravity, but where would we have been 
but for that loose apple? 

"Doc an' Warren happened to be playin' golf, an' 
more by way of habit than anything else, the Presi- 
dent was turnin' out a few handshakes for the cad- 
dies. They weren't much good, an' none knew it 
better than Warren, for he turned to Doc, every lip 
quiverin', with a piteous look that said : Well, you 
can see for yourself I'm done,' when at that very 
moment a band struck up somewhere in the neigh- 
borhood. The effect was electrical. Like a flash, 
Warren's head went back, the old pride of craft 
blazed in his eyes, an' in one superb movement he ex- 
ecuted a shake as perfect as any in his whole career. 

"The significance of it all wasn't lost on Doc, for 
you don't rise to success in Colorado politics by over- 
looking' things. Tremblin' with excitement, he hur- 
ried Warren back to the White House an' sent at 
once for the Marine Band. A big order for hand- 
shakes from the Moose was waitin' to be filled, an' 
after dividin' the band into three shifts, so that there 
would be continuous music, the Doc ordered Warren 
to start off. Well, sir, he sliced the first few badly, 
droppin' his right shoulder, takin' his eye off his 
hand an' puttin' his whole body into the shake. 

" 'Stop pressin' !' Doc hissed. 

" *I can't !' groaned Warren. 



206 UNCLE HENRY 

P J 

"For a second Doc reeled under the sick sense of 
failure, an' then he gave a glad shout. The fools 
were playin' the Toreador's song from *Carmen/ 
Rushin' to the leader. Doc changed 'em over to 
Tosti's 'Good-by,' an' immediately the President 
settled down into a free easy swing an' perfect 
rhythm. The five thousand handshakes were turned 
out in a little over three hours, a performance never 
approached by any other Chief Executive in the 
history of the United States. You can't name one 
that ever did anything like it. 

"Doesn't that show you how much better re- 
sults can be gotten out of science when you humanize 
it? When you don't let it make you forget the soul 
in man? No wonder happiness hangs over the White 
House like a pall these days. Orders for handshakes 
are pourin' in like they used to. I hear the Shrine 
wants one for every member an' there's a rumor 
that the Elks have also decided to give Warren their 
business. Doc Work is now installin' three pipe 
organs, four jazz orchestras an' a mechanical saxo- 
phone, an' may possibly hire the Boston Symphony 
for big orders like the National Poultry Dealers' 
Association an' the Ancient Aggregation of Antique 
Furniture Makers. 

"I'm glad of it, Barney. Warren's all right an' I 
want to see him succeed. But they've got to take 
better care of him. A man can't give his best to the 



HUMANIZING SCIENCE 207 

big things when he's harassed an' distracted by a 
press of nonessentials. If we expect him to turn out 
A-1 handshakes for us, we must see that he isn't 
bothered by this League of Nations stuff, coal an* 
railroad strikes, deficits, reconstruction, an' things 
like that." 

"Say," exploded Barney, "we don't elect presidents 
just to shake hands." 

"No?" Uncle Henry queried. "Then what do we 
elect 'em for?" 



THE YELLOW KIDS 

"/CAREFUL!" hissed Uncle Henry, putting a 

v>' finger to his lips. "Not a word if you value 
your life." 

"Say, what's the matter with you, anyway?" de- 
manded the Cigar Stand Man in angry bewilder- 
ment. "You nearly made me swallow a lump of 
gum." 

"All right now." Uncle Henry straightened up 
and expelled his breath noisily. "It was only a man 
with a bad case of jaundice. For a moment I thought 
it was a Japanese spy. The country's full of 'em, 
Barney. Millions! Maybe thousands, an' perhaps 
hundreds. I was completely deceived at first, but 
when I saw they didn't put their thumbs in the soup, 
I knew they weren't real waiters. Snoopin' every- 
where, day and night, ears akimbo, an', instead of 
bein' on our guard, we actually seemed pleased to 
have somebody around that's willin' to listen. 

"Not since the terrible days when there was no 
Henry Cabot Lodge has Occidental civilization been 
in such peril. Secretly, silently but surely, the 
yellow hordes are massin' for their descent on the 
Western World. They've got Atlantic City an' 

209 



210 UNCLE HENRY 

almost every other summer resort already, an' while 
you may attach no great importance to the art stuff 
they sell, I want to tell you it's doin' more than any- 
thing else to ruin the American home. Where once 
hung fine crayon enlargements of our ancestors, you 
now see some print of a fat Jap with the cramps. 
An' look at Coney Island! No more the old manly 
sports like knockin' the nigger baby down an' swing- 
in' the hammer to see how hard you can hit, but 
merely effeminate ball rollin' an' other purely Orien- 
tal games. That's the way Rome went. 

'Why, I wouldn't no more pass a Chinese laun- 
dry at night than I'd think of sendin' a love let- 
ter by radio. Sure, the Chinese are in on it! 
Why, I have it on the authority of a high official, 
whose name I am not at liberty to disclose, that 
Peking an' Shanghai are vast storehouses for the 
secret collection of deadly weapons. Firecrackers 
by the million, hundreds of thousands of devil kites, 
an' all sorts of stink pots. Chicago troops would be 
the only ones we could use against 'em. 

"An' the Hindus too! An' the Siamese, a terri- 
ble breed that comes in pairs. Barnum was the 
first to expose 'em. 

"It's a wonder to me we've held our Pacific pos- 
sessions as long as we have. They've got the 
Philippines completely surrounded on one side. 
According to a prominent naval official, whose name 



THE YELLOW KIDS 211 

can't be mentioned, their boats are numberless, an* 
while all look like fishing smacks, at the press of a 
button they turn into battleships, each able to vomit 
death and destruction. It's the same way with Guam. 

"Oh, the crime of our bhndness! I didn't see 
the danger myself until certain courageous papers 
opened my eyes. Set a Yellow Press to catch a 
Yellow Peril ! Never was a sayin' more true. There, 
thank Heaven, is one part of America that can't be 
fooled, for, bein' as most of their readers are jes' 
commencin' to learn English, they know foreigners. 

"Personally, I'm kind of sorry hostilities can't be 
put off for a year or two, so's we could finish payin' 
for the last war, but I reckon the editors know what 
they're doin*. If Pershing had only listened to 'em, 
Germany never would have whipped us, an ' Grant's 
refusal to take their advice is now recognized as 
the cause of the North's defeat. 

"Lots of people give Albert Fall credit for the an- 
nexation of Mexico, but this is a grievous injustice, 
every ounce of praise bein' deserved by the Yellow 
Press. They were the first to see that the United 
States ought to reach from Maine to Panama an' 
the first to point out how the low and depraved 
nature of the degenerate Aztec made him easy and 
proper prey for the conquerin' Tango-Saxon. 

"No discouragement could chill their souls. Ten 
times the insolent Mexican invaded the United States 



212 UNCLE HENRY 



— look up the back papers an' see for yourself — an' 
every day for months they killed American citi- 
zens by the hundreds with savage, slashin' strokes of 
the pen, an' still the country couldn't be aroused. 
Seein' the hopelessness of it all, the editors came to 
the bold resolution that they v^ould intervene all by 
themselves. Plungin' into the blindin' dust clouds 
that blew off the Rio Grande, an' crossin' the deserts 
disguised as cactuses — a ruse repeatedly pointed out 
to the War Department — ^they gained entrance to the 
city itself an' ordered instant surrender under pain 
of Sunday supplements. 

''They conquered Yucatan without a struggle, 
havin' been gum chewers all their lives, an' took over 
Costa Rica, Honduras, Nicaragua, an' all oil an' 
mineral rights in the equator. Guatemala gave them 
some trouble for a while — they couldn't seem to get 
over the habit of spellin' it with a "w" — ^but in the 
end Old Glory waved triumphant, and not an 
accursed Latin remained alive. Every editorial 
room ran knee deep in blood, an' there were so many 
additional stars that bay windows an' alcoves had 
to be put in the flag. 

"In many respects, however, I regard the victory 
over England as the greatest military achievement 
of the Yellow Press. Their strategy was masterful. 
Comin' around from behind, they drove the per- 
fidious Albions out of India, an' then, movin' 



THE YELLOW KIDS 213 

swiftly, won the independence of Egypt in a whirl- 
wind campaign that expelled every Briton from the 
land of the Pharaohs. At the same time they were 
secretly arousin' the peaceful Gael, an' at the 
psychological moment recognized the Irish Republic, 
sendin* Hiram Johnson over as envoy extraordinary. 

"As a consequence of these maneuvers, the Eng- 
lish suddenly found themselves cut off from every 
colonial possession, an* penned up in their own little 
island. When they realized that they would have to 
associate with each other, no avenue of escape pre- 
senting itself, a great groan of despair went up, an' 
surrender was unconditional. 

"There's no doubt that the Yellow Press will lead 
us to a glorious victory over the Japanese. For one' 
thing, the Y. P. is takin' no chances, plannin' the 
campaign with more than usual care. The grave 
blunders of Wilson will not be repeated, for even 
now the country is bein' scoured for the Best Minds, 
an' the Cabinet will be a coalition one. I have it 
on the best authority that the portfolios will be dis- 
tributed as follows: 

Secretary of State — Gaston. 

Under Secretary — Alphonse. 

Secretary of War — Mutt. 

Secretary of the Navy — Jeff. 

Secretary of the Interior — Krazy Kat. 

Secretary of Commerce — ^Abie, the Agent. 



214 UNCLE HENRY 

Secretary of the Treasury — Barney Google. 

Secretary of Labor — Happy Hooligan. 

Secretary of Agriculture — Uncle Si. 

Under Secretary of Agriculture — Maud. 

Attorney General — Hawkshaw. 

"Prohibition makes necessary the creation of a 
new post in connection with the army, that of 
vivandiere, an' I understand Brisbane is to be ap- 
pointed. If this is true, you can depend upon it that 
our boys will lack nothin* in the way of beer an' 
light wines. The Katzen jammer Kids, as a matter 
of course, will have charge of all strategy, an' I feel 
sure that this wise selection is goin' to gain the con- 
fidence of the country. War is hell, but what weVe 
got to do is to grin an' bear it. *Grin until it hurts.' 
That must be our motto." 

"Wake up!" sneered Barney. "We're not goin' 
to fight Japan." 

"For once I'm inclined to believe you're right," 
sighed Uncle Henry. "The world isn't what it used 
to be, when war was recognized as the one way for a 
nation to save its soul. Nowadays sordid considera- 
tions have crept in, an' the vulgar question of money 
is taken into account. Nothin' interferes with 
militarism like taxes. 

"Still, I don't know. If you pick long enough, 
it's easy to make a sore. As a matter of fact, that's 
the Yellow Press's source of strength. They're prize 



THE YELLOW KIDS 215 

pickers. But in this Japanese business it happens 
that there's something to pick at. The Japs own 
California already, an* the only reason whites are 
still allowed is because the thrifty Nipponese want 
somebody to pay the bills for schools an' such like. 
We excluded the Chinese quite effectively, as you 
may remember, but the Japs were exempted because 
they admitted that they were a proud people an' 
easily offended. 

"Heaven only knows how many of them slip into 
the country every year. First the men an' then the 
women — a daring application of the mail-order idea 
to wives. The hardy bachelors look over photo- 
graphs, an' fill out a blank that they send to the 
central office in Japan. An' we have the nerve to 
call ourselves a nation of gamblers ! I'm against all 
this Yellow Peril nonsense as much as anybody, but 
— well, we've simply got to keep the yellow peoples 
out. Races that can't mix nice are bound to mix 
rough." 

"I don't see any harm in the Japs/' Barney 
argued. 

"No, an' there isn't any harm in a wet dog, 
either," said Uncle Henry. "But you don't want 
him in your lap." 



THE MISSOURI SPREE 

''TTTELL/' said Uncle Henry jubilantly, "it wasn't 

VV a permanent wave after all." 

"What wasn't a permanent wave?" asked the Cub 
Reporter. 

"Why, the reform one. Jim Reed took out all the 
curl when he won that renomination to the Senate 
in Missouri over Breck Long. A lot of the Wash- 
ington bunch were considerable worried for a while, 
what with all these Beveridge, Pinchot and Brook- 
hart victories, for it certainly did look as though the 
people were goin' to cut loose from their most 
sacred traditions an' commence demandin' brains 
in office. Why, they had poor old Lodge to a point 
where he was actually experimentin' with a waffle 
mold an' paraffin. But I never lost confidence. 

"For one hundred an' forty-six years the people 
of these United States have been fed on Good Old 
Guff, an' an inherited appetite like that isn't thrown 
off over night. Time an' again, I've seen 'em strug- 
gle to break away from the hellish habit, but 
always, with tormented faces an' quiverin* lips, 
they've come back an' begged for it. Accordin' to 
my reports from Missouri, it wasn't a campaign, but 

217 



218 UNCLE HENRY 

a spree. Hundreds of people are still lyin' where 
they fell, little children tuggin' at 'em pathetically 
an' hopelessly. 

"Jim gave 'em the pure quill jes' as I knew he 
would. Others, harried into expediency by fear, 
may attempt intelligence, but old Jim always chews 
to the line. It's quite the custom nowadays to damn 
politicians, an' most of 'em deserve it, but I want to 
tell you right here an' now that when it comes to 
ideas, there isn't a cleaner man in the United States 
than James A. Reed. Never uses 'em in any form. 
Back in the good old times, when treatin' hadn't 
yet come under the operation of the criminal law, 
I've heard hundreds of fellows fairly beg him to 
have an idea on them. 

" *Aw, come on ! Be a sport !' they'd plead an' 
insist. *Jes' one won't hurt you.' 

" 'No, boys/ was Jim's invariable reply. It's the 
first think that's the most dangerous. Take one an' 
you'll take another, an' before you know it you're 
a steady thinker. There's no such thing as thinkin' 
in moderation. I've seen too many good men go 
that way.' 

*'Even in those days when you might have ex- 
pected youth to clamor for its fling, I can truthfully 
say that I never saw him under the influence of any 
strong think. It wasn't that he was a goody-goody, 
but even then an ideal of public service was takin' 



THE MISSOURI SPREE 219 

■WMM"!!^"— ————»—— —i— ^ I III III ■ ■■■II — aB———— 

shape in the roof of his mouth. Already he had 
made a trip to Washington, an' Congress, together 
with intensive study of state legislatures, had shown 
him plainly what the people wanted in their serv- 
ants. It was a hard an' lonely life, with people 
thinkin' all around him, an' youths of his own age 
carousin' in libraries, but Jim never faltered, an' 
many a time I've heard him practice his triple- 
tonguin' the whole night long. 

"How all of those early denials an' patient drudg- 
eries came back to me as I stood in the Senate of the 
United States last winter an' heard Jim win the 
long distance heel an' toe talkin' championship of 
the world, leadin' his closest rival by five days, 
fifteen hours an' forty-seven minutes, no time taken 
out for ideas. 

"I didn't get out to Missouri for the campaign, 
but they tell me Jim was in rare form, broadcastin' 
further than the most powerful radio. The words 
aren't all in yet, but it looks as though Jim v/ould 
lead by several billion. Breck Long put up a good 
fight, but I knew from the first he never had a 
chance. No knowledge of politics at all ! Went into 
the race all loaded down with semicolons an' paren- 
theses an' periods instead of strippin' down to the 
last comma! Moreover, he hasn't got the right sort 
of tongue. It's got a mental attachment an' that's 
fatal. 



220 UNCLE HENRY 

"To be a success in political life, my boy, you've 
got to have a self-startin' tongue runnin' under its 
own motive power. Reed's got one. I've seen him 
set it off, an' then go back to the hotel for a nap, 
or a bath if it happened to be Saturday, an' when 
he'd return the hall would be filled with words, an' 
enough runnin' out of the windows to take care of 
the overflow meetin'. 

"Accordin' to reports, Jim gave 'em what they'd 
always had, an' that's what they wanted. Jes' 
used his old records without the slightest change. 
Sometimes he'd have to give as many as ten encores 
after playin' 'When God poured out the milk, the 
cream ran over an' that was Missouri.' When some 
low Long partisan would ask him why it was that 
he'd never advanced a constructive suggestion dur- 
in' his whole twelve years in the Senate, Jim would 
merely put on 'America,' givin' it with full drum an' 
fife accompaniment, never skippin' a single rock or 
wood an' templed hill, an' endin' up on a high G 
that jes' scattered the crowned heads of Europe all 
over the place. That was another place where Long 
showed himself a rank amateur in politics. Never 
once mentioned the monarchs of the Old World, or 
offered to oppose their tyrannies with his bare 
breast. 

"Now an' then a rude voice would ask about Jim's 
consistent antagonism to every law for the protec- 



THE MISSOURI SPREE 221 

tion of women an' children, but he'd jes' turn loose 
a four hours' oration on motherhood that was as fine 
as though he'd been one. Thinkin' back, I reckon- 
I like the motherhood record as well as any Jim ever 
put on. Takin' the baby in the cradle, a rose petal 
fallen from Heaven, he'd follow the little one right 
through the prattle of infancy an' the dreamin* days 
of adolescence on into womanhood with its high 
responsibilities, usherin' in the dawn of love with a 
shower of bird notes, sinkin' his voice to a whisper 
as he told of a new life's comin', pullin' out the 
tremolo plug with both hands as he worked up to 
the torment of travail, an' finishin' with a burst of 
brass that told of triumphant birth. An' all the 
while poor old Long was tryin' to talk issues! 

"No question about Jim's senatorial record bein' 
pretty sad. Not once in twelve years did he ever 
frame a bill in the public interest or fail to vote 
against one. Naturally enough, the people were a 
good deal irritated, but you ought to have seen 
irritation turn over an' purr when Jim tuned up an' 
started off on the soft, sensuous strains of *The 
Beautiful Blue Osage !' There wasn't a dry foot left 
in the State. His great symphony, based on native 
themes such as the pawpaw an' hominy, soothed 
the most savage breast, an' when he reached the 
purlin' brooks an' bosky dells motif, bearded men 
jes' threw their heads back an' bayed like coon dogs. 



222 UNCLE HENRY 

*T\\ bet you that right now they're dryin' Jim's 
speeches an' hangin' 'em in muslin bags from the 
rafters for use this winter. You can smoke 'em, 
chew 'em, sniff 'em or dip 'em, an' after you get used 
to the bitter taste, the results are surprisin'. Of 
course they stunt growth, but you know what a 
habit is. 

"There are also other features about Jim's re- 
nomination that please me no little. For one thing, 
it proves that the poorest professional is still better 
than the best amateur. When the news came in that 
the country districts were rolHn' up a big majority 
against Jim I only grinned, for I knew that the boys 
of the river wards in St. Louis an' Kansas City were 
simply waitin' until they learned what was expected 
of 'em. There's more to an election than mere vot- 
in', my boy, for as an eminent American once said : 
*I care not who casts the votes of a nation if they'll 
let me make the count.' 

"Another bright spot was the manner in which all 
pretense of partisanship was laid aside. From what 
I hear, gang Republicans couldn't have voted more 
enthusiastically an' oftener if Jim had been their 
own candidate. That's the way it should be. Aside 
from the squabble over offices, there's really no 
fundamental difference between the two machines. 
Deep down Reed's as good a Republican as Smoot, 
an' Smoot's as good a Democrat as Reed. It's all 



THE MISSOURI SPREE 223 

right to put up a fight for the entertainment of the 
jays, but in the face of a common peril, Hke one 
of these reform waves, the thing to do is to stand 
together an' call out the shock troops. Once let 
these crazy voters get out of hand an' there's no 
tellin' what might happen." 

"It's disgraceful," the Cub Reporter declared 
gloomily. "What's the matter with people any- 
way?" 

"Not long ago," murmured Uncle Henry in a 
ruminative tone, "they were holdin' a sort of Old 
Home week in a dope den. Suddenly an honored 
visitor leaped up from his bunk with an awful yell 
'Whew!' he panted. 'That was certainly a narrow 
escape! Whole herd of buffaloes after me, an' if 
they hadn't stopped to climb a sycamore after some 
grapes, I sure would have been a goner.' 

" *Yes/ dreamily answered one of his listeners 
after a long pause, 'Buffaloes mttst have their 
grapes.' " 



FREEDOM'S FAULTS 

ON this particular morning the Cub Reporter was 
asking signatures to a petition for the pardon 
of the whole antiwar crew, or, as he termed it, a 
"general amnesty for all political prisoners." 

"Sure, I'll sign," said Uncle Henry, reaching for 
a pen. "I'm sick of seein* those fellows favored. 
First we put 'em in nice, comfortable institutions, 
safe from every hardship of war, even the drives, 
an' we've let 'em stay there durin' all the pains an' 
perils of peace. Lollin' in cool, quiet cells while 
we sweat an' suffer outside! It's not fair. Throw 
'em out, say I, even if the wardens have to use vio- 
lence, an' make 'em stand their share of normalcy 
along with the rest of us." 

"The point of this petition," corrected the young 
journalist in icy tones, "is an assertion of the right 
of free speech. But maybe you don't believe in it ?" 
he sneered. 

"Well, to be absolutely honest, I don't," tranquilly 
replied Uncle Henry. "Neither do you. Neither 
does any other true American, for that matter. It's 
a fine, mouth-fillin' phrase, warm in winter an' a 
cool an' ref reshin' beverage in summer, but only now 

u. H.— 8 225 



226 UNCLE HENRY 

an' then does it ever get below the tonsils. What 
you mean, what all of us mean, when we're honest 
enough to admit it, is that our own speech must be 
free. We want our mouths to be high above the law. 
But there are mighty few of us that wouldn't be 
happy an' satisfied to have large, efficient gags in- 
serted between the teeth of those dangerous an' de- 
praved wretches who don't think as we do. 

"In the days before I got too old for violent exer- 
cise, I used to love to attend conferences called for 
the solemn purpose of affirmin' an' upholdin' the 
American citizen's sacred an' unalienable right to 
100 per cent freedom of speech. Many an evenin' 
I've seen as high as twenty men knocked off the 
platform, not to mention personal debates on the 
floor that tore holes in it. It wasn't enough merely 
to have the right on your side. You also had to be 
able to swing a swift an' accurate left. I can't re- 
member that a sentence was ever finished, an' 
though I was a pretty husky lad in those days, a 
semicolon was the furthest I ever got. 

"It's much the same way with all this gabble 
about the freedom of the press. The papers that 
support OUT particular brand of prejudices an' 
opinions are true palladiums of liberty, the hope 
of free institutions, but deep in our hearts we know 
that the vile sheets of the opposition are subsidized, 
an' at some time or another we're perfectly willin' 



FREEDOM'S FAULTS 227 

to have 'em suppressed. An' there's the holy right 
of free assemblage ! It's always sacred an' unalien- 
able for our crowd to assemble to consult for the 
common good, but you can bet we get sore at the 
police when they permit the other fellows to voice 
their damnable heresies without gettin' a club over 
the head. 

"Yessir, my boy, Washington an' Jefferson an' 
the rest of the fathers certainly slipped one over 
when they put the Constitution across. It's a life 
sentence for all of us, an' at hard labor too, for 
nothin' about it is what you might call natural. 
What's the use of havin' rights if everybody else 
has got 'em too? You know jes' as well as I do 
that true pleasure springs from a sense of privilege. 
An' when you do get 'em it's only to find that every 
blamed one of 'em is tied up tight to some sort of 
obligation. If that isn't takin' the joy out of life, 
then what is it? 

"Equality's another shabby trick. I don't get 
any satisfaction by bein' on the same level with you, 
I want to be higher, not so much to look down as to 
have you look up at me. How can you expect a man 
to feel superior unless a few inferiors are scattered 
around where they'll do the most good? The free- 
dom stuff looks good at first, but when you dash 
forward to get yours, usin' hands, teeth, an' elbows, 
you discover that it's all mixed up with things like 



228 UNCLE HENRY 

duty an' tolerance. Now, who the dickens wants to 
be tolerant? 

"Right now, at this very moment^ I don't doubt 
that thousands of people are walkin' the streets 
who aren't in agreement with me on politics, base- 
ball or religion, or anything else. Darn their de- 
praved hides ! I'd like to make 'em listen to reason 
with an ax. But this is free America, so all I can 
do is to write a letter to the papers now an' then — 
maybe an Indignant Taxpayer one on Wednesday, 
askin' what the country's comin' to, an' a Constant 
Reader smash on Sundays, gloomily pointin' out that 
Greece an' Rome went the same way. There simply 
isn't any room in this country for the fine old natu- 
ral impulses. 

"Lord knows I'm a good American, despite the 
drudgery of the job, but sometimes I jes' can't help 
castin' envious glances at Russia. Over there, as 
soon as the breakfast coffee has ceased to rankle, 
you pick up your gun an' a pair of brass knucks, 
an' go forth firm in the conviction that truth must 
an' shall prevail. If you don't hke a face, why, you 
change it with a few deft strokes, an' as for traitors 
who dare to hold different opinions, you kill 'em on 
the spot, an' rush off to get another service medal. 

"Between you an' me, I've always had a sneakin' 
fancy for those Bolsheviks. It began, I reckon, 
when they helped us out of our great unemploy- 



FREEDOM'S FAULTS 229 

ment crisis that time when we had so many minds 
out of work, an* thousands of Bold Spirits walkin' 
the streets actually beggin' for something to think. 
Conditions were terrible. Birth control an' bobbed 
hair had lost their novelty, Socialism had become 
a bourgeois fad, an' the great fight of married ladies 
to keep their own names furnished sustenance for 
only a few. You remember, of course, what a god- 
send the Russian gospel was ? 

"But as I've watched the swift march of their 
powerful purpose, gratitude has given way to a 
distinct admiration. Lenine certainly knows human 
nature. Right at the start he saw that duty an' 
tolerance were acquired tastes, an' he didn't waste 
time on 'em. His motto was Tromp 'em,' an' he 
did. When he got through with Free Speech, for 
instance, only a few lifeless commas were left to tell 
the story. About the only people that escaped the 
firin' squad were confirmed deaf mutes, an' they had 
to keep their hands tied up for a year. As for 
Free Press an* Free Assemblage, the job was so 
thorough they can't even find the place where they 
used to stand. 

"Payin' your bills is another moldy old tradition 
wished on us by the Constitution. How in the name 
of common sense can a man lay up anything if he's 
all the time dolin' it out? If it hadn't been for the 
first of the month comin' around every thirty days, 



230 UNCLE HENRY 

an' sooner in February, I'd be a rich man to-day, 
well able to run for the Senate. Russia has the 
right idea. She won't even meet her obligations in 
rubles, not that they begrudge another whirl of the 
printin' presses, but because she refuses to en- 
courage a vicious principle. Lenine has the vision 
to see bill payin' as a Victorian superstition that's 
got to be done away with if life is to be larger 
an' richer. 

"Industry is another. Pure habit. Nothin' in- 
stinctive about it. Back in the good old days when 
the race was young, an' when you could go swim- 
min' as you were, nobody heard any of this guff 
about thrift an' hard work. You jes' looked around 
until you located a chap that had something you 
wanted, an' then you picked out your most reliable 
club, sneaked up behind him an' expressed your 
views on the survival of the fittest. In that happy 
time you didn't wait for Opportunity to knock. 
You did the knockin' yourself, only takin' care to 
make it a good one. No wonder Bolshevism has a 
world-wide appeal, for it's a great *Back to Nature' 
movement. 

"Of course there isn't much chance of America 
adoptin' any of these fine, bold ideas. Too many of 
us own our homes, an' when you own anything you 
can't do a very good job of Bolshevickin'. Then for 
another thing, we've been workin' at this freedom 



FREEDOM^S FAULTS 231 

business for a good long while now, an' habits are 
hard to break. What I do say, though, is that we 
ought to have time off now an' then — a sort of sum- 
mer vacation — for, while I'm no pessimist, signs 
are not lackin' to show that people are commencin' 
to show the effects of strain. 

"At the last presidential election, for instance, 
more than 26,000,000 men an' women were jes' too 
worn out with workin' at freedom to get to the polls. 
Other millions, by dint of sheer courage an' free 
automobiles, did manage to stagger to the ballot box, 
but only had strength enough left to vote a straight 
ticket. Even so, thousands of cases of brain fag 
were reported, an' it's only now that attendance at 
ball games is normal. Congress is workin' hard on 
a bill to provide a trained nurse for every votin' 
booth, an' there's a movement on foot to mobilize 
the Red Cross for use at the next election. 

"Heaven knows it was hard enough when we 
didn't have anything to do but choose between the 
Eagle an' the Rooster an' bawl out the election 
officials when the pencils wasn't sharp. But what's 
to become of us now that they've put over these 
here direct primaries where you've jes' got to 
know somebody that's runnin' before you can vote? 
No wonder there's a boom on in ouija boards, an' a 
strong movement to hire Conan Doyle to stay in 
this country. 



232 UNCLE HENRY 

"An' the end's not yet. On every side you hear 
talk about how we ought to take an interest in men 
after they've been elected to office. Yessir! To be 
sure, Democratic an' Republican leaders are present- 
in' a solid front against the monstrous proposition, 
an' the Humane Society has entered a ringin' pro- 
test, but it looks as if the thing had a sweep that 
couldn't be stopped. Then there are all these 
Beveridge an' Pinchot an' Frazier victories. When 
we put the Grand Old Party back in power with 
New an' McCumber an' all the rest of 'em on the 
job, an' Warren sittin' there in the White House 
readin' E. P. Roe, I thought we'd heard the last 
of reform, an' could take life easy for a while.' 
Budgets! Economy! Efficiency! Square deal! Prog- 
ress! Unless something is done, Jimmie, an' done 
quickly, we're jes' one jump ahead of a mental col- 
lapse. The Bolshevik plan for a little while — even 
a few months — might save us. A complete rest 
from freedom. No elections. No responsibilities. 
No thinkin' of any kind." 

"Honestly now," demanded the Cub Reporter 
with his most patronizing expression, "do you really 
think we still have liberty in this country?" 

"Well," answered Uncle Henry, "we certainly take 
a lot of liberties with it." 



AMERICA'S FAMOUS MUD 
BATHS 

'^TTTELL, I hope you've got everything in readiness 
VV for the golden shower?*' beamed Uncle Henry 
as he drew up alongside the cigar stand and weighed 
anchor. "At any moment now a rain of money is 
likely to start that'll make the gutters run gold 
pieces. Before I left home this morning I put all 
the tubs an' washboilers out in the yard, the good 
wife stretched blankets between the clotheslines, 
an' even my grandchildren were spreadin' their 
aprons. 

"Well, sir, I could hardly believe my eyes when 
I read Secretary Mellon's modest statement tellin' 
how the national debt had been reduced by the 
sum of $999,999,999.01 an' a snug surplus of $314,- 
999,999,999.02 tucked away besides. Good old 
Andy! That's what comes of havin' an experienced 
banker at the head of the Treasury Department. 
They're the boys that know how to make figures 
behave. You can't spend all your life gettin' out 
bank statements without learnin' how to have 
balances look pleasant when they're havin' their, 
pictures taken. 

233 



234 UNCLE HENRY 

"What makes joy all the more intense is that it 
comes as a relief to apprehension an' despair. To 
tell you the honest truth, Gloomy Gus Dawes was 
gettin* on my nerves with all his mutterin' about 
huge annual deficits an* the necessity for strictest 
economy. Why, he almost had me worked up to a 
pitch of self-denial where I wasn't goin' to let my 
wife have any summer clothes. Not that Charlie 
Dawes isn't all right, though. It's simply the case 
that he's old-fashioned, the kind that believes the 
way to have money is to save it. 

"Mellon's up to date. He belongs to the modern 
school where you make it after the other fellow's 
saved it. You don't see Andy rushin' around pickin' 
up pencil stubs, makin' clerks write on both sides 
of the paper an' buyin' pins in dozen lots for the 
sake of a petty discount. None of that picayune 
stuff for him. He believes in makin' money by bold 
strokes, no matter if they break the pen. They 
tell me that before he got through reducin' the 
national debt his arm gave out, an' that he had to 
equip his Waterman with an automatic drive for 
purposes of the surplus. 

"Didn't I tell you what would happen when we put 
the Republican party back in power? No use talk- 
in', Barney, the G. 0. P. understands the habits of 
Prosperity — jes' what to feed her an' how to bed her 
down. It's a beautiful sight to see her on the White 



AMERICA'S FAMOUS MUD BATHS 235 

House lawn, friskin' around with Laddie Boy, an' 
growin' fat again on a regular, nutritious diet of 
printer's ink. I shouldn't wonder if we'd see all 
taxes taken off in the next month or two an' divi- 
dends declared. We certainly will if Andy doesn't 
get writer's cramp. I've got the coal cellar all 
cleared out for my share. Looks as if there wouldn't 
be much use for it anyway. 

"An' it isn't as if we only had Secretary Mellon to 
depend on. Harry Daugherty is another who's 
tapped a source of quick an' marvelous wealth. He's 
goin' to get back all the trillions that the Democrats 
stole durin' the war. Lord knows how much the re- 
covered loot will amount to, for the thievin' was 
so widespread an' persistent. Every Democrat 
came down to work in the mornin' with an empty 
basket, but goin' home at night he staggered under 
its weight. Thin men arrived at their offices in rain- 
coats an' left in the evenin' lookin' like sufferers 
from dropsy. The rumblin' through the streets of 
Washington at night, that we used to think artillery 
trucks, was really nothin' more than members of the 
Cabinet takin' home their swag. A high plumber, 
whose identity may not be disclosed at the moment, 
while preparin' for a nap in the cellar of the 
Treasury buildin' the other day, discovered a tunnel 
that led directly to the home of a Democrat who 
held one of the big jobs under W — dr — W — Ison. 



236 UNCLE HENRY 

**No names are bein' mentioned as yet, for you 
cannot appreciate the intense desire to work no man 
a wrong; but it's well known that a former secre- 
tary of the Treasury, whose first two initials are 
W. G., an' whose last name begins with Mc, stole 
forty-one millions in silver dollars. He was seen 
with one the other day, carryin' it carefully in order 
not to break it. They say he's fled the United States 
an' is now in Los Angeles. 

"J phus D Is (you can understand the ne- 
cessity for discretion) got away with four battle- 
ships an' several submarines, sneakin' them out of 
the navy yards under his coat, but the secret-service 
boys have located 'em in his newspaper office at 
Raleigh an' their recovery is certain. Full proof 
isn't gathered yet, but the evidence points to N — ton 
B — ^ker's guilt in embezzlin' all the money that 
should have been spent for supplies an' munitions. 
Funny how little things betray criminals. A half- 
starved mackerel, crawlin' across a New England 
field, was the means of revealin' the theft of mil- 
lions appropriated for the support of our edible fish 
by the Department of Commerce. R — field's arrest 
may come at any time. 

"The Democrats, of course, are doin' their best to 
break the force of Daugherty's disclosures. Senator 
Reed, you may remember, exposed H — bert H — ver 
for havin' pocketed every cent the American people 



AMERICA'S FAMOUS MUD BATHS 237 

donated for European relief, an' then goin' over an' 
pouchin' everything that the Belgians had collected. 
Accordin' to Reed, H — bert v^^as doin' the same 
thing in Russia, but after he stole $1.80, the weight 
of the rubles broke him down. Also, Sec — ^tary of 
W — r W — ks is charged with profitin' to the tune 
of millions on German patents. 

"But they can't beat Harry. He's hot on the 
job, an' you can bet no guilty man's goin' to escape. 
Of course they may get pardons after conviction, 
but you can't expect a fellow to break old habits all 
at once. 

"It's strange to me the papers haven't given him 
more credit, for not even Sherlock Holmes ever 
showed greater deductive ability. The job was an 
inside one, if you know what I mean, an' for a long 
time it practically baifled detection. Congress ap- 
pointed fourteen committees the minute the armi- 
stice was signed, an' not one of 'em could find 
anything but errors in a rag account. Daugherty 
himself worked away for a full year, an' might 
well have given up in despair if it hadn't been for 
Charlie Morse. 

"Heaven knows I don't like the man, but you've 
got to give him credit, for he's certainly been a 
motive power. All you've got to do is to mention 
his name an' Harry's off like a shot in the pursuit 
of some overshadowin' crime. 



238 UNCLE HENRY 

"Of course lama, little bit disappointed that there 
haven't been any arrests an' trials as yet. Four 
years ought to be plenty of time. But now that 
Congress has given Harry another fifty million, 
well undoubtedly get results, for he'll be able to 
hire sleuths in quantity. He's got to have enough 
to cover all the primaries this summer as well as 
the fall elections. There's a rumor that some of the 
fugitive Democrats may come down out of the hills 
to vote." 

"You don't really believe all that stuff, do you?" 
asked Barney in a tone of utmost disgust. 

"Certainly not," calmly replied Uncle Henry. "No 
more does Daugherty or any other Republican 
leader. But what's that got to do with it? What- 
ever else you may say about Harry, an' Mondell an' 
Lodge an' the rest, they're good Americans, an' you 
can't well expect 'em to go back on the oldest game 
in our national life. It began on that day that 
Washington delivered his inaugural address. Before 
he'd reached the first period a big gob of dirt hit him 
in the eye, an ' by the end of his second term it took 
four mud scows to dig him out of the White House 
an' get him back to Mt. Vernon. They accused him 
of everything but mayhem, an' were only waitin' 
for him to get some new teeth to bring that charge. 

"Lincoln's thought well of to-day, but when he 
got home of an evenin' it took his wife an' the 



AMERICA'S FAMOUS MUD BATHS 239 



children a good hour to scrape off the mud. Six 
months or so before Appomattox both Democratic 
an' Republican national bodies flayed him alive for 
losin' the war, one document allegin' unfaithfulness, 
incapacity, an' selfishness. Fierce lads even talked 
of poison. An' I reckon you remember what Con- 
gress did to Wilson. 

"Politics is a game that's always been played in 
a wallow. The side wins that gets the least mud 
on 'em. As a matter of course, it's developed a 
highly professional class of players, for it isn't 
everybody that has a natural aptitude for wallow- 
in'. Yet who's to blame? No game can endure that 
doesn't draw patronage, an' if mud slingin' didn't 
touch a popular chord it wouldn't last a minute. You 
know as well as I do, Barney, that we Americans 
like our gossip raw. 

"Look at the newspapers. Unless the front page 
hits you in the eye hard enough to draw blood, the 
editor feels that he's failed in his duty. Take your- 
self, if you can screw up the courage for a brief 
inspection. If they came to you an' began to tell 
what a fine man I was, such a fond father, devoted 
husband, an' all-around good citizen, you'd be bored 
to tears. But if they led you off into a corner, 
droppin' into excited whispers, an' started off with 
something like, *Say, did you hear about Henry? 
In strict confidence, I heard that — ' why, you'd stick 



240 UNCLE HENRY 

out both ears like giant flanges, an' then spend the 
rest of the day spreadin' the glad news." 

"Anyway, it's terrible," grumbled Barney. "No 
wonder decent men don't want to go into politics. 
But what are we goin' to do about it?" 

"Well," said Uncle Henry, "maybe a genius like 
Edison can work out some plan for makin' good 
report as interestin' as evil report." 



FISHES AND FISHING 

''"riOND of fishing?" asked the Cigar Stand Man, 
-L looking up from a bunch of summer resort 
literature. 

"Well," said Uncle Henry cautiously, "that de- 
pends. The pursuit of a fish, taken by itself, an' 
viewed critically, isn't exactly rich in big values, 
either dramatic or human. There's a certain dig- 
nity about standin' up under the charge of a bull 
moose, but it takes a mighty high imagination to 
give the onslaught of a bull mackerel anything ap- 
proachin' courage an' adventure. Do you know of 
any man that ever had his picture taken vdth one 
foot restin' on the dead body of a catfish? You can't 
imagine Scott writin' 

" 'The perch at eve had drunk his fill, 

Where danced the moon on Monan's rill. 
And deep his midnight lair had made 

Amid the water lily's shade. 
But when the sun, his beacon red 

Had kindled on Benvoirlich's head, 
The wild-eyed angler's deep-mouthed bay, 

Came floating down the rocky way.' 

"Never seen any great canvas showin' a flounder 
at bay, have you? To be sure, the Dutch school 

241 



242 UNCLE HENRY 

used to be strong on paintin' fish family groups, 
but even that's out of vogue since Volstead gave us 
a new an' higher concept of still life. Roosevelt 
was as keen a judge of dramatic values as this 
country has ever produced, but jes' think back, an' 
you'll remember that he never wasted any time on 
pursuin' scollops, small-mouthed bass, whitebait 
an' such like monsters of the deep. No, Barney, my 
boy, fishin' is something that requires a lot of mix- 
in' before it's ready for human consumption. You 
can't take it straight. 

"Missouri's got the idea. Out there you can fol- 
low your depraved tastes without ever havin' the 
finger of shame pointed at you, for people don't 
know whether you're fishin' or sleepin'. Given 
the proper amount of shade an' the right texture of 
grass, an' I'm not prepared to deny that fishin', 
taken under the Missouri prescription, is an out- 
door sport worthy of any red-blooded American. 
Strange the athletic East hasn't gone in for it 
more, for it furnishes as much exercise as watchin' 
baseball, tennis or a prize fight, with none of the 
emotional strain. 

"Come to think of it, I don't know of a more in- 
stant end to life's fret an' fever than when you've 
picked out the spot that offers largest inducements 
to visitin' hips, an' cast your cork upon the placid 
bosom of a home-made pond. No inner turmoil, 



FISHES AND FISHING 243 

born of painful expectancies an' anguished uncer- 
tainties — no constant pullin' an' haulin' — ^but peace 
an' calm comin' from the sure knowledge that the 
cork will call to action only when action is de- 
manded. 

"What a people we are! We praise William C. 
Whitney for the cotton gin, Medill McCormick for 
the self-bindin' reaper, an' Henry Ford for his dis- 
covery of tin an' shellac, but none of them ever 
saved as much time an' labor as the cork, yet I'll 
bet you can't remember the name of the inventor. 

"Trout fishin', however, is another thing entirely, 
Barney, an' if that's what you've got in mind, you 
can have my motion picture rights an' welcome. 
After sittin' down suddenly an' violently on sharp 
rocks in every Rocky Mountain stream, an' leavin' 
samples of my virgin hide on every bramble, I've 
finally reached the point where I'm a pacifist as far 
as trout are concerned. 

"Don't talk to me about the brutality of football! 
Eleven men comin' on top of you is nothin' compared 
to one pointed rock comin' under you. An' it isn't 
as if they ever came out in the open an* fought fair. 
It's their stealth that makes 'em doubly deadly. 
From above, a pool may look as soft an' yieldin' as 
a baby's bath, but when you slip — an' you always do 
— a hundred hidden granite peaks leap forward with 
horrid cries an' drive themselves in up to the lung. 



244 UNCLE HENRY 

"There's also the matter of hazards. Thank 
Heaven, Nature's confined herself to trout streams 
an' kept her hands off golf courses. At that it 
wouldn't be so bad if your hook always got caught 
in a bush or a tree, for while there's a good deal of 
irritation in the hour you spend gettin' it untangled, 
no real physical sufferin' is entailed. But it never 
does, for the blamed things have a blood lust that 
would shame a saber-toothed tiger. Some day I'm 
goin' to write a book on *Wild Hooks I Have Met.' 
Many a time I've hurled a line amid virgin forests 
an' thickest jungle, where it didn't seem humanly 
possible to miss a branch or vine, an' always that 
infernal hook would return to me with the accuracy 
an' velocity of a homin' pigeon. 

"What with bein' married an' havin' to sell news- 
papers, Barney, you may think you know the sor- 
rows of life, but wait until you've made a mighty 
cast, an' instead of seein' your hook hoverin' over 
the water fifty feet away, suddenly feel it establish- 
in' direct relations just south of the lumbar region. 

"I've fallen in cactus, I've backed into the hot 
water pipes in many bathrooms, I've met wasps on 
the mornin' when they'd put the wrong foot out of 
bed, but for sheer preoccupation I don't know of any- 
thing that takes up your mind more completely than 
a fishhook on a journey into the interior. What's 
more, it rarely fails to pick some embarrassin' 



FISHES AND FISHING 245 

location that makes you shrink from summonin* 
assistance. 

"Some day, maybe, they'll invent a rockless trout 
stream with a sand bottom and heavily padded sides, 
an' fit it up with non-skid boots an' vegetarian hooks. 
When they do, an' put the whole thing in a desert, 
five miles from the nearest growin' thing, I may be 
induced to endure the sport again. 

"I'll also enter plea of not guilty if you mean deep 
sea fishin'. If you're in a sailboat the wind dies 
down an' if it's a gasoline launch, the engine goes 
dead, an' there you sit for hours, wonderin' if it 
would have helped any if you'd made your break- 
fast off of some good, solid ballast like concrete or 
pig iron. An' as for pleasure, catchin' a cod offers 
about the same emotional excitement as pullin' a 
dead cat out of the well. Life under the ocean wave 
can't mean much, Barney, for I've never yet pulled 
up a fish that didn't act as if I was doin' it a favor. 
They sink into your lap with a tired sigh, cuddlin' 
down contentedly, an' for a moment you have the 
horrid feelin' that you've got to go through life 
with 'em. 

"Then there are the flies, not the table flies of 
daily life, grown pickish an' choosy from ease an' 
surfeit, but the ocean-goin' article, brought up on 
traditions of the Spanish Main, askin' no mercy an' 
showin' none. Many a time, after bloody hand-to- 



246 UNCLE HENRY 

mmmmmmmmmKmmammmmmmmmammmKmmmmmmmm^maammummmmmmmamaim^mmmmmammmimtmmmmm 

hand battles on shore, IVe confessed defeat, an' 
fled the field in a high-power boat, turnin' on speed 
until the water boiled an' the surface shone white 
with fish I'd run over. But when I'd stop, miles 
away, there would be the flies, playin' hopscotch to 
kill time, an' eager to know what had kept me, 

"Nowadays, when I feel the cravin' creepin' over 
me, I jes' go out in the yard where the sun gets a 
fair chance at the back of my neck, take a good un- 
comfortable position, an' drag old rubber coats up 
an' down for an hour or so. Shut your eyes, an' 
you can't tell 'em from real kelp. When the time 
comes to catch something, I get up an' hang out the 
wash. Of course if you want to savor realism to its 
fullest, you can take a dose of ipecac every now an' 
then, an' get every effect of waves except the sound. 

^'Europe's funny about fishin'. In Scotland an' 
Ireland, for instance, fish come under the head of 
folklore, bein' handed down from generation to 
generation in the form of traditions. Each one has 
a name an' number, jes' like Francois, the famous 
rabbit that furnishes all the huntin' for France, an' 
your pursuit is never general but absolutely specific. 
Nor do you catch 'em, as in this country. You kill 
'em, that is, you would if you ever saw one. In the 
British Isles they point out the chap that's killed a 
fish with the same pride that Arizona exhibits a 
two-gun man. 



FISHES AND FISHING 247 

"No, Barney, I've practiced fishin* both here an' 
abroad, an' when I say there's nothin' in it, the 
opinion is based on scientific observation. How a 
grown man can — " 

"I hear they're bitin' fine up in Maine/' mur- 
mured the Cigar Stand Man, who had never stopped 
thumbing the folders. "I think I'll go up Monday 
for a week or so." 

"Make it Wednesday," said Uncle Henry eagerly, 
"and I'm with you." 



OUR INTERNATIONAL POLICY 

''QAY, what about this League of Nations busi- 
Oness anyway?" demanded the Cigar Stand 
Man. "Are we going in it or ain't we?" 

"Sorry, Barney," murmured Uncle Henry regret- 
fully, "but the ouija board isn't workin' very well 
for me of late, an' I'm as much in the dark as 
anybody. However, an aunt of mine from Mis- 
souri is comin' to visit me next week, an' when 
that old lady gets to goin' good with tea leaves, 
the future jes' throws off all concealment an' begs 
for mercy. 

"There was a time when I figured Warren as bein* 
in favor of an international concert, but he seems 
to have lost his taste for music since gettin' the 
presidency. But when he first commenced to run 
for it, he certainly made a noise like world federa- 
tion. What more natural? A lifetime of socia- 
bility — the long sentences he'd served in the Elks, 
Moose, Owls, Eagles, and so forth — had taught him 
that man was not meant to live alone, an' his drift 
was inevitably in the general direction of the Big 
Idea. Not exactly a League, as I gathered it, but 
something a little more intimate an' cozy, like a 

249 



250 UNCLE HENRY 

World Luncheon club or a Friday Afternoon Cur- 
rent Events Circle. 

"All the same, I never felt quite safe, knowin' 
of Warren's mind as I did. Y'see, it's one of those 
v^ide-open affairs, free to the wind on four sides, 
an' with the latch string always out. He may wind 
the clock an' put out the cat, but when it comes to 
the Harding mind, nobody ever heard the sound of 
bolts an' turnin' keys. The minute I saw Lodge an' 
McCormick an' Johnson startin' for Marion— Hi 
wearin' a brand-new brogue — I knew there was 
goin' to be trouble. 

" 'What do you mean?' they cried. *Can't you hear 
the voice of America?' 

" *Yes,' Warren admitted, *but I only speak Eng- 
lish.' 

"When they got through, they tell me, Warren 
was white as a sheet at his narrow escape, an' never 
rested until old Doc Sawyer had gone over him 
with sprays for everything from heresy to the San 
Jose scale. The mere mention of the League of 
Nations threw him into a cold sweat, an' the very 
next day, in a speech to the Wood Growers* Benevo- 
lent Association of Lawrence, Mass., he made a 
ringin' denunciation of the damnable proposal to 
barter America's sovereignty. At least, that was 
what he meant it to be, but the trouble with bein' 
raised in the Ohio Nursery for Presidents is that it 



OUR INTERNATIONAL POLICY 251 

becomes almost impossible for you to say what you 
mean. The heart may swell with high resolve, and 
the tongue warm up with all sorts of speed an' con- 
trol, but when the words appear, somehow all of 
'em are kind of soft an* run together. For weeks 
after Warren's speech, guessin' contests as to what 
it meant rivaled strawberry socials in point of 
popularity. 

''Lodge an' Johnson an' McCormick, as a matter 
of course, maintained that Warren had blown the 
League into a thousand pieces, supportin' their con- 
tention by affidavits from the most prominent 
psychoanalysts and clairvoyants. Taft an' Hoover 
an' Hughes, who by this time had committed them- 
selves to the League past all chances of wrigglin' 
out, took a tuck in their belts, an' by reducin' 
Warren's words to early Anglo-Saxon, proved con- 
clusively that he was for the League. 

"I tell you, Barney, my heart went out to Warren 
in the tryin' days that followed. Time after time, 
in vigorous addresses to the Society for the Support 
of Destitute Ship Owners and Sons of the Fiume 
Revolution, he tried to make it clear that he was 
opposed to a League of Nations in any shape or 
form, but he jes' couldn't make his words behave. 
I suppose I was about the only man in the country 
that knew what he was drivin* at, because when I 
was in Congress my relations with the Ohio delega- 



252 UNCLE HENRY 

tion was very close. By addin' all the colons an' 
then subtractin' the commas, I was generally able 
to get Warren's drift. But Taft an' Hughes an' 
Hoover never failed to interpret jes' the other way. 

" True friends of the League cannot fail to re- 
joice at Mr. Harding's latest declaration,' Charlie 
would declare in a pithy little statement of 15,000 
words. *While there is no doubt that his expressions 
are likely to prove misleading to one who is not a 
lawyer, I am able to say authoritatively^ owing to 
my long legal training, that his statements, when 
properly and charitably analyzed, are splendid in- 
dorsements of the great idea of world federation. 
There is no longer any reason why every true sup- 
porter of the League of Nations should not get 
behind this brilliant son of a — son of Ohio — and 
push him forward to the Presidency with both hands 
and feet.' 

"I understand that Warren even went so far as 
to go to 'em an' beg 'em to quit, but they met him 
with that sort of affectionate tolerance that is so 
much harder to bear than downright contempt. 
Hughes advised him to lie back, relax an' take deep 
breaths, an' Hoover felt sure that the trouble came 
from eatin' bread with too little bran content. 

"'It's simply a case of not knowin' your own 
mind,' said Taft. 'I was exactly the same way when 
I ran for President. My advice is to quit tryin' to 



OUR INTERNATIONAL POLICY 253 

think for yourself. You have no idea how much 
strength it saves you/ 

"Of course, the Irreconcilables got sore, an' 
sent everybody to Marion from George Harvey up 
Jo Senate pages. I can't for the life of me under- 
stand how the railroads showed a deficit that year, 
for if nobody else had traveled except Harvey, there 
ought to have been a handsome surplus. Warren 
certainly did his darnedest to make good, but no 
matter how he tried to declare his opposition to the 
League, the Official Interpreters were always on 
hand to remove the meanin'. 

"The human ear, as they explained it, was about 
the most untrustworthy organ in the human body. 
Nothin' was more unsafe than reliance upon hearin*. 
To be sure, it did seem as if Warren had denounced 
the League, but what is sound between friends? It 
is not in the lips that truth must be sought, 
especially durin' the campaign, but in the heart, an' 
down in those inner depths where lives the soul, 
Warren loved the League. 

"Jes' before the election, Warren made a supreme 
effort to defy interpretation, but you can't get over 
the habits of a lifetime in a day. The veins on his 
forehead stood out, an' his vocal cords stretched to 
breakin', but all that issued was the same old 
mellifluous gurgle. An' while he lay flat on his 
back, utterly exhausted, they put out the famous 



254 UNCLE HENRY 

statement signed by thirty-one eminent Republicans 
with the names of Taft, an' Hughes an' Hoover at 
the top. 

" *At last/ it said. 'The President has spoken 
in such manner as to leave no room for doubt. In 
the bold^ vivid phrase of which he is so peculiarly 
the master, he has declared for the League of Na- 
tions. The last excuse for hesitancy is swept aside. 
All those who believe in an international concert 
will rally to the support of Warren the Fearless. 
A vote for Harding is a vote for the League.' 

"I believed 'em. So did a good many hundreds of 
thousands of others. It never entered my mind that 
Warren could get away from an iron-willed pair 
like Hoover an' Hughes. An' when they went into 
the Cabinet, it seemed like it was all over but the 
shoutin'. But Warren's fooled us. That soft, yield- 
in' look was only velvet that hid iron. They thought 
it was marshmallow they were bitin' into, but deep 
down under the pulpy exterior reposed the solid 
substance of the all-day sucker. 

"What! You don't mean to say you didn't see 
the Hughes letter? The one in which Charlie swal- 
lowed his campaign statement that the way to get 
the League of Nations was to vote for Harding? 
Yessir! Admittin' right out that there isn't goin' 
to be any League, an' askin' people to forgive an' 
forget all he'd ever said on the subject in the past. 



OUR INTERNATIONAL POLICY 255 

As I read the fateful document, so pathetically 
eloquent of surrender, I could see the picture as 
plainly as though I'd been sittin' in the State De- 
partment. Charlie at his desk, pen in hand, an' the 
Strong, Silent Son of Ohio standin' over him, 
gnarled hands clenched an' eyes stern as fate. 

** Write ! ' commands Warren. 

" *No, no !' begs Charlie. *Let me save my face.' 

"*What for?' sneers Warren, givin' Hughes's 
whiskers a mean look. 'Nobody ever sees it anyway.' 

"'Mercy! Mercy!' 

" *Did you show me mercy?' There was a quality 
in Warren's voice that covered the windows with 
white frost. *No,' he says. 'You made your bed. 
Writer 

"Word by word Warren dictates, an* at the last, 
when the tremblin' signature is affixed, Charlie falls 
backward in a faint. For a minute Warren looks 
down, a slow smile curvin' his lips, an' then walks 
out, a strong man that has found himself. 

"It looks like the end, but you never can tell about 
Warren. An' we've still got Herb to rely on, you 
know. An' Taft too! When Bill gets back from 
his European joy ride, an' writes his annual opinion, 
he'll have lots of time on his hands, an' ought to be 
able to do something. But I don't know. They tell 
me Warren is about to let a contract for tearin' up 
the cables an' is workin' on a proclamation f orbiddin' 



256 UNCLE HENRY 

the departure or arrival of ocean steamers. Lodge 
has a plan for runnin' electrified barb wire around 
the whole country, an' Borah, Moses an' La Follette 
have already formed a day an' night ocean patrol." 

"What about our foreign policy?" persisted 
Barney. 

* Well, " said Uncle Henry, "it looks to me as if it 
had lapsed." 



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